I would like to introduce you to my friend Herman. Herman is the janitor for the office I work at. He doesn’t mind being called that because he takes a lot of pride in what he does. In fact, Herman cares a little too much.

Call it being driven or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but Herman has a hard time sleeping if there is even a chance that dirt is present in the building. He used to live a few blocks but he ended up spending most of his time here so they converted a storage closet into a one-room bungalow for him.

Herman gets up at four o’clock because he likes to dust and vacuum in the morning before people arrive. He says that morning dust is the worst kind because it ruins the day. He also vacuums and dusts at night to take care of whatever was brought in that day.

Herman vacuums so much that we regularly have to replace the carpet but nobody has been sick for like 3 years, so the company thinks it’s a fair trade.

Also if Herman finds a spot on a desk you might as well order a new surface for it because he is going to rub that spot clean through in a matter of weeks.

Herman is great at his job. Some people claim his is too good, but I don’t think there is such a thing. He is passionate, gets a great deal of satisfaction and often times cries when people spill coffee.

Heck he has even washed my hands before.

If you see him around give him a high-five. He is the best in the business.

Microsoft has released a new ad for the Zune.

Prepare to be disturbed.




Exactly what did you think that creature was before the other one shot an eye into it.

Yeah Me too.

1. Portland

One player does not solve the problems that they have. While drafting a marque player like Greg Oden could give you a franchise player to build around, you haven’t had a good draft history. The last draft pick you got that was dynamic was Clyde Drexler in 83. Having said that you have probably positioned yourself so you cannot trade. You need to spend money in free agency to pick up some supporting cast. If Greg Oden is playing along he will fail. He is not that much of a dynamic offensive player yet.

2. Seattle

Kevin Durant is perfect for you. I mean perfect. He is a tall offensive savant to complement and take some of the offensive weight off of Ray Allen. If this team is even moderately coached they are a play off team. Even if you had the first choice you should pass on Greg Oden. You need to win and now. Ray Allen isn’t getting any younger.

3. Atlanta

Unless God is in this years draft you are not going to improve. Taking the firs overall draft pick from you was kind of mean. You guys need to start rebuilding. I have no idea what you should do. Perhaps the tall dude from China, if he is a franchise player level. Oh, no wait. I totally know what you need to do. Spend some money and get some good players. Childress can dunk but he cannot beat a team by himself

4. Memphis

With Pau Gasol healthy you guys should be pretty good. Tell Mike Miller to shoot about half the shots he takes unless he is on fire and draft a shooting guard. You are not a young team so if you don’t think you can come up with a valid shooter in the draft trade and get him or do the free agency thing. Isn’t there a shooting guard from Florida in the Draft? Just saying is all.

5. Boston

You need a center and for Paul Pierce to make a higher percentage of his shots. Also you need a coach who actually coaches the game. Watching this team play with the same jersey style as the Bird/Perish era is a slap in the face to team basketball. I have heard of the triangle offense but what exactly is the “spread the floor so Peirce and either drive or pull up for a highly contested shot” offense. There are some decent players on the team. Get Larry Brown to coach them and then you are in the playoffs.

6. Milwaukee

You are on the cusp of being a great team. Keep Andrew Bogut healthy and Michael Redd happy and you will be decent. You need to add another offensive threat and a good lock-down defender. Then you will be a strong team.

7. Minnesota

Where to start? I don’t think KG will be there next year. Which is sad because he has been so faithful for so many years. First off get rid of Kevin McHale. His career there is highlighted by drafting the best player in the draft and cheating for Joe Smith. My niece who hadn’t even been born at the time could have matched that. Start rebuilding.

8. Charlotte

The team is going well for you guys so far. Keep it up. You have drafted well in the past and it should continue.

9. Chicago from New York

Trade the pick. Package this draft pick with Duhon and maybe Deng and pick up KG. You will win the Eastern Conference and possibly the NBA Championship within 2 years. He is what you need. Don’t trade Deng if you don’t have to. Also for Minnesota the trade would be good because with 2 draft picks and a good player they could start rebuilding. Whatever you do make sure that you end up with KG. If he goes anywhere else you are stupid.

10. Sacramento

It is clearly rebuilding time. I think that you have gotten rid of Ron Artest yet or not but you should. Great basketball player. A lot of personal issues. Other than that just find yourself a franchise player and rebuild. You have a great team in the toughest conference in basketball for many years.

Basic concept:
For reasons undisclosed, primarily because I cannot thing of anything that is funny enough, a regular Joe businessman believes that when the sun goes down he turns in to a ninja turtle.

Location:
I have to say L.A. Not necessarily because it has any particular plot line but rather because people seem to believe whatever you imply about L.A. in a movie.

Jokes:

The man has rented an apartment below where he works and made it look like a sewer. He has also put a round sewer grate under his desk that covers a large pipe that leads to his house.

I envision the individual skate boarding down the tube but falling off repeatedly.

The man picks up a ditzy blonde at the bar and wants to take her home. He keeps calling her Amber but she just plays it off like he is bad at names. I am not really certain if I would like him to take her to his house or just say something like his house is under some construction and go to her house.

Okay well that seems like enough. Whoever gave money to the Waynes Brothers… pony up!

What do American’s fear more than global terrorism? The answer is fat people. We fear them so much that we actually monitor how many fries they can buy at McDonalds.

Every week your local news papers, periodicals, and stations run warning adds about that alarming increase in obesity in America. They claim it is targeting our children and our elderly and driving up the price in healthcare, the number 3 fear for most Americans.


Take for instance this lady. She was simply walking down the street minding her own business when somebody had to snap a picture of her for a story about the atrocities of saturated fats and trans fats.

She probably knows that she is over weight. In fact, she may be walking for that particular reason. Does she really deserve to open the paper and realize that the gigantic picture on the front page is of her posterior?

Clearly, she does because she is fat. If American’s could get away with it they would put them in camps like we did with German-American’s during World War II.

Although there is no cure in site for people who eat a lot and don’t work out enough (or have a medical reason for being overweight) scientists are optimistic that with enough government control and ridicule from the masses, that fat people will be eventually extinct. Just knowing that makes me sleep better at night.

As you have probebly noticed there is a link to a blog called Funny Gadgets.
I thought I would have my own such entry.

For my group of homies who are nerds and play poker:

The poker chip USB Drive.
Word is these babies are available at Target.

I fully expect Ryan to have one by Thursday.

Denver has Charlie Brown on their city council. How freaking cool is that? I mean talk about a viable celebrity. Finally Denver is making a political move that makes sense and electing celebrities.

Now they need to work their way up to former steroid users to a higher office and they will have caught up with the likes of California and Minnesota. I read this in some story about abridging first amendment rights or something. I don’t really know. I wasn’t paying attention.

Charlie Brown, Whoooo!

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An investigative panel with the journal Nature say flawed data in an article authored by University of Minnesota stem cell researcher Catherine Verfaillie do not detract from the main findings of the paper.

Okay, hold on a minute scientific community. I know that you are used to just telling the world whatever you want and having them believe you but come on. If the data was flawed where exactly is she pulling these “correct findings” from? Her stem-celled butt?

Flawed data = flawed results. You have been telling us that for our whole life you cannot change your tone now.

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Paris Hilton is back in jail… whatever.

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The Spurs just won their 4th championship in 9 years. When asked after the game who they had played Tim Duncan said he thought they wore red but wasn’t entirely sure. This wasn’t a victory it was a slaughter of innocent children. The spurs would have had a more difficult time beating my high school’s cheerleaders in a pick up game. I am not even sure there was anyone on the court for whomever San Antonio was playing against that had ever heard of defense. Or a jump shot for that matter.

This is just another reason for everyone to hate Detroit. We could have had a great series but instead we got treated to the “Tony Parker Lay Up Show”.

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The Sopranos final episode aired this week and the moaning hasn’t stopped since. It hasn’t even been that the Sopranos is over but rather the way in which it ended. Wanting the inside scoop I went to ye old Youtube to check it out. I had to wade through the posted arguments for and against the final episode.

Finally I found it. Along with 15 already altered endings claiming to be the actual ending… except that the quality was the level of a 3 graders finger painting. The ending was fine. In fact it was actually nice. It let the viewer decide which way they wanted it to go. Either the family goes on or somebody gets shot.

If this is the worst thing that happens to you all year… I don’t even know how to end that sentence.

Seriously though, you need to go outside and see some nature. Perhaps after some rest your feeble imagination can conjure up an ending. Also, I don’t need sports announcers giving me the 411 on mob activity and etiquette. If you go to Youtube you will know what I mean.

Perhaps you remember the blog long ago where I mentioned my roommate Leroy. Well since that blog I have moved out because of irreconcilable differences. He got married and didn’t want me living there any more. I didn’t want to live there if he was going to get married. I think we all get the picture.

Well, aside from Leroy’s ninja skills, he has veritably endless bad-o-tricks. Seriously, if I ever needed a consultant to move a house I would just call Leroy and assume that he has at least 80 hours of experience in the field. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure he has 80 hours of experience in every single field known to man.


Point and case, take last night. I was eating a frosty treat at the local DQ (The Peanut Buster Parfait if you must know). So I am enjoying my frozen delight when I glance up and wouldn’t you know it Leroy made the freaking sign for the DQ.


Seriously, I didn’t ever see him sleep when I lived there. He wouldn’t be home when I went to bed and he would be gone before I got up. I think we all know why. With everything he is doing in the business realm I don’t know how he has time to go to the bathroom let alone sleep, eat and watch various TV shows.

Fu Phan Chu was born in the small town of Fubao in western China. At the age of two he began his formal training in martial arts under the tutalage of this father Cho Saun Chu, but it quickly became apparent that the student’s talents exceeded his masters ability so within a year of beginning his training Fu Phan Chu left his home and traveled east to come under the instruction of the legendary Master Wong Fei Hong.

Legend has it the Wong Fei Hong was not accepting apprentice so Fu Phan Chu would stand outside the Master’s school and watch the students. Many times, it is said, he would practice along with them in the rain. After two months of never leaving the Masters school, except for food and water, the master accepted the young pupil.

It was not long until Fu Phan Chu had excelled to the point where he was considered the greatest of all of Wong Fei Hong’s students. His abilities went so far that his master sent Fu Phan Chu away because there was nothing more that the Wong Fei Hong could teach him.

Yet to see his best pupil leave broke Wong Fei Hong’s heart and so before leaving the Master bestowed upon his pupil a great gift: Fu Phan Chu, as long as he fought against evil and for good, would never die, he would never age.

Stories of Fu Phan Chu spread as stories of his exploits against evil were told. It was said that he had devoted himself to the mastering of every martial art form there was. Soon he became known in China as “The Master”. As soon as he entered a town, it is said that any wrong doer would leave on the other side of town. The mere whisper of his name drove scoundrels of all sorts to their knees to beg for mercy.

Then all was silent. The Master had simply disappeared. There was no longer a weapon of justice in that land. It is said that he traveled the world fighting injustice wherever it presented itself. Yet he was never more seen in the land.

Stories still surface from time to time about one with such extraordinary martial arts expertise but none have ever been able to identify the master as the legendary Fu Phan Chu. All that remains of him are the stories, the memories and this sole picture of him performing his famous round house.

Pronounced Awe Bon… whatever. The first time anyone wonders into this particular bistro/ high school gymnasium, they will undoubtedly feel an overwhelming sense of fear as they come to realize that they will never emerge alive.

This place is always packed so I am expecting something of a culinary wonder for merry pennies. After 14 minutes of wondering around racks that seemed to have been organized for Ray Charles, I figure out that this store is based off of the preface that people tend to wander about aimlessly for hours.

Okay so I finally figure out how this bloody place works. There is a sheet that makes little to no sense and you order from there. The “chef” or the person who puts the ingredients into whatever package you requests calls a taller very attractive women up to tell her that the item she ordered from the menu isn’t available. It was recently put on the menu and won’t be available until tomorrow. I should have been able to pick up on this but I didn’t.

I went to grab a juice only to find the previously mentioned attractive women having a very difficult time trying to figure out which overpriced flavored water she should get. There are a total of 36 options and she has to touch a bottle of each before she can make her decision. I grab a juice and get out of the way of her. I didn’t want to confuse her.

Okay so I finally make my order from the sandwich menu. They don’t have what I ordered. Mind you that it is clearly posted on the piece of paper doubling as a menu but that doesn’t matter. I am beginning to think that the half of the menu here is a cruel joke. Also how does a blind person order in this place? There is no one who speaks English and the menus aren’t in brail. But if they cannot serve people who can see, I am thinking that serving people with special needs might be asking a bit too much.

That lady is back again. It is like she is fluttering around the whole place just trying to get someone, dang it, anyone to stare at her figure that she had to spend 7 hours squeezing into those pants. She has finally realized that since she ordered something that doesn’t exist she needs to order something else. Beautiful women are a dime a dozen but beautiful women who don’t ask posters for directions… well, they are like unicorns.

Okay so my replacement order from the sandwich menu gets handed to me in a gigantic bowl. Nice… At this point in time I have just resigned to take whatever they give to me and hope to make it out alive. I turn to look for the register and join a line to what I guess would be the way to get out of this place.

Nope. This is the line to the fruit table. I joined the wrong line and wouldn’t you know it, the butterfly lady is back over at the water touching all the bottles again. I just realized that she has headphones on. Add a distraction to the already low level of abilities. Well, I think we all understand why she is having a hard time.

So I find what I am sure is the check out line. Attractive but stupid chick is behind me but at least the line moves pretty quick. 10 bucks… for rice, beef and lettuce. Wow… No wonder they want to create the allusion of mass hysteria. No one. And I repeat no one would buy this crap if they didn’t feel like the second coming of a nuclear Hitler wasn’t eminent.

Freedom! Okay so the food is good but not 10 dollars good. I eat it up and lesson learned. I wonder if that lady changed her mind again about the water. She could still be there floating hopelessly around an empty store. Or maybe she is waiting for the dinner crowd. Maybe a guy will notice her then.

Live your dreams... Unless you dream of dying, in which case it would probably be better if you didn't.

All employers in the United States face a difficult problem. How to lower the company’s Workers Comp premiums? Well one company has finally solved the problem. A Warwick tree service company found one glaring loophole. Just before the scheduled hearing for a workers comp case to address the slashing of the workers face with a chainsaw (self inflicted), the individual was deported. That is a sure fire way to keep down costs.

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Schoolteachers across the nation have joined together to bash the No Child Left Behind Act. Now this is what we have been waiting for people. Hundreds of years of repressed anger unleashed by the people who have heard the best burns, insults, bashes, and all around crude jokes in the history of the world: middle school and high school teachers! Of course the Elementary School teachers will probably have their fair share of insults but they all have to rhyme ala Liar, Liar Congresses self assessment of the No Child Left Behind Act’s pants are on fire!

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The I-Phone is scheduled to be released on June 29th according to Apple. This release date coming after months of other release dates being announced and then denounced as the product release has been postponed for undisclosed reasons. Yeah, I might not recommend going out and buying a first generation I-Phone unless you get a replacement warranty that includes “Total replacement if the product just doesn’t work”. Delays to follow.

When was the last time you went to a Chuck E Cheese? Do you remember those horrible animatronics oversized cartoonless characters? Didn’t they freak you out? They had been there for like 40 years and still had to perform and had never been cleaned.


Well here is another spoiler. Bob Barker is an animatronics human. If you look at his picture it is quite clear that his shinny skin is plastic and his black eyes and distant stare are courtesy of the glass eyes they had installed. Come on, there is no way this dude is still alive. He was 300 years old in the 20s for crying out loud.

His voice doesn’t even sound like an old persons voice. If you listen carefully it sounds like an old record of him they recorded back in the 60s when they first switched from live Bob Barker to Animatronic Bobby, as it is affectionately referred too.

Now I know there are many of you who love Bob Barker and this will be hard for you to grasp but seriously. Who living would use that friggin microphone? Yeah, no one would. That’s right… the one with the 50 feet of cable running around after it. I think that is the power cord for Animatronic Bobby.

And have you noticed that the girls and contestants on the show seem to be a little less weirded out by him. It’s probably because Animatronic Bobby doesn’t have “old guy” smell.

Also how would it be possible for anyone that old to take the rigorous jostling that the host of The Price is Right takes? Think about it. He has heavyset southern women tossing him into the air on a regular basis. And over zealous men bear hugging him every day. He would totally have been killed by the trauma. I could never have pulled that stuff with my Grandma.

Seriously though, you cannot possibly think that he is alive. Look at him... just look!