Each year my mother asks me, about this time, what I want for Christmas. Well Mom, what I want you can't afford. So I spend my time coming up with little trite things that I don't necessarily want but you can definitely afford. And now since I have a way to tell the world what I really want, if you happen upon this Mom this is what are really want.

First I would like to be able to fly. And I don't mean on a plane because anyone can do that. No Mom, what I really want is the gift of flight. Now I know what you are saying to yourself. It's not a matter of money, Ted, no one can fly. Oh yeah, you told me Santa Claus was real for how many years and his reindeer could fly. So I don't it's too much to ask that I could fly to. Or is my entire childhood just a lie.

Secondly I would like to be able to move things my mind. I'm not a fool, Mom, I watch TV. I know that people can do it and you always told me that I was just as good as everybody else. So there must be something you can buy that gives you this power. I'm assuming it costs a lot otherwise it would've asked for, but this is one things that I would really like to have.

And finally even what sounds cliché, world peace. Not because it particularly care about the people of the world, I don't know them. Primarily because I want my news to tell me about things that I care about. I know that death is a horrible thing and that's happening all around the world. It's just not nearly as important as the sports scores to me. So if world peace came about I get my freaking sports scores and go to bed 15 minutes earlier. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I guess if I had to choose one more thing just make my wish list an even-number I would have to choose that if people were ignorant about a situation, that they would be unable to speak. I can’t begin to imagine how quiet the world would be. But I imagine that we would be pretty freaking close to heaven.

So Mom this year I'm cutting through all the political correctness and telling you what I really want. I want to be able to leave whenever I want to. I want to be able to do whatever I want to. I don't want be bothered with other people petty differences. And I want some people the just shut up.

This Christmas is going to be the best ever…