Thoughts on the Guthrie

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Recently the New Guthrie Theater was built. Okay, so it was two years ago but that isn’t a big deal. The important question is wither or not it fits into the downtown cityscape and does it make sense as a design. The resounding response is no, not even remotely.

Even Simon Cowell’s biting responses on “Everybody Hates Everyone” (or whatever his shows name is) seem to be to kind for this structure. I mean look at it. It looks like it was constructed out of blue Legos.

The Minneapolis riverfront is a covered in warehouses from a time where brick and white paint must have been about as expensive as poo and waffles. Coupled with the vast overcrowding of trees from a century of unchecked growth, the Minneapolis riverfront area is a mixture of nature and brick.

Enter our “Big Blue” deally that looks about as out of place and nervous as a Baptist priest at a college keg party. The block-style building may be a popular one among the rich upper class and thespian types, but I cannot help but thinking that this would be an amazing theater visually say next to the ocean or anywhere but where it sits. Downtown amidst a collage of brick mills where it even seems to be “flying the bird” at the rest of the area may have been a bad choice.

Who, you might ask, is responsible for this misplaced Blocko masterpiece? Ralph Rapson is the architect that landed the gig. Among his other notable works there is the ever-popular Riverside Plaza aka “Ghetto in the Sky” which stands as a monument to remind all of downtown that there are people who make less than them and would be willing to shoot them for money but a few miles away.

To be honest the building conjures thoughts of a young boy, say Mr. Rapson’s nephew Willy, sitting down on the floor of his Uncles studio. Ralph waiting with baited breath and paper in hand as his nephew builds “Whatever you want to build, buddy” with the new all blue Lego set that his nice uncle bought for him.

Now I am not going as far to say that Willy actually designed the thing but he does get Legos from his uncle at least once a month.

The New Lutheran Church

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Okay, so I don’t want to cause any kind of a riot but my fiancé, her parents, my parents and myself happened upon this Lutheran Church in South Minneapolis. It appears as though the Lutheran Church has made some general changes that I am not quite sure about.

Okay well mostly one change that seems to be a bit on the side of extreme liberalism. According to this sign it seems that the Lutheran Church no longer requires belief in God to get to heaven. As long as you are a member of the Lutheran Church you are in.

Now I enjoy the fruits of the reformation as much as the next dude, but I am not sure that they are still on target with their messaging. Or at least this church seems to be missing large chunks of the Bible in their sermons. Finally a religion that lets atheist into heaven.

The North American Geek:

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Rock TV in conjunction with National Geographic presents:

Ummm... Geek Jerky.

Oh, It is so on.

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This is the final straw. This is it, man. This is my warning to all you carpet swatches out their. I am no longer your friend.

You have for to long plagues the marketplace with you promises of next day installation of carpet similar to yourself. You have collected dust and mold while sitting in the trunk of your respected salesman.

Your simplistic 4” by 4” square makes you seem friendly but you are not. You have been fooling people for a long time, carpet swatch, but I want you to know that I am no longer one of your patsies.

If I see you in public I will stab you. Yeah, that’s right. I carry a carpet knife now in public. Ha!


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Other people like them, adore them, make the term obsessed seem like a vast understatement, but for me I would prefer to live my life without them. Yet the real question remains as to the reason for my shaky relationships with cats.

Does my hate stem from my inability to breath around them due to allergies, the uppity nature of a cat, the fact that they are disgusting and bath in their own saliva… Well we could sit here all day and point fingers as to why I don’t like cats or we could simply put me in a room with cats then analyze the footage. I decided the later would be more productive so here are the results of the study.

Room with angry cat

Okay. So there is me and there is the hissing ball of unmerited fury. I believe the way we got the cat angry was to show it the picture of a cat that was “prettier” than she is.

Okay now this is the point where I start to wheeze and cough because of the cat’s dander. Seriously would it hurt the thing to bath in actual water once and a while.

And here is everyone’s favorite part where the cat adheres itself to my skull via its claws. Clearly the option to go with the de-clawed cat would have been better.

My natural response was to grab the cat by the tail and beat it against the wall so as soon as I got it off of my head that is what I did.

And finally, here is the part where PITA sues me on behalf of the animal.


Yeah, that was pretty brutal. We had a series of 13 other rooms with cats in them but I have decided that I am not going into another room like that. Besides I have to go to the hospital to get my eye socket stitched shut. If you like cats this blog was not meant to offend you but consequently we have 37 cats that we got for this experament and with my allergies I cannot move back into my room until we find new homes for all of them. Would you like another cat?

He says that he is Jesus.

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His birth name is Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, but he claims to have had God come to him in a dream and tell him that he is Jesus the man. But if he is Jesus man has he changed since the last trip. Many of his followers lavish him with gifts and money.

“I don’t have one Rolex,” de Jesus Miranda said, “I have 3 because they want to give it to me. It’s like that woman that came to Jesus with the expensive perfume and put it on his feet. He didn’t reject it, so when someone gives me a watch or a gift, I receive it. I like them too, they’re nice.”

There are further hints that perhaps this man is nothing more than… well a really self absorbed… man. The self-proclaimed Son of God is a 60 year old former heroin addict and convict. The divorced father of 4 was born in Puerto Rico and now lives in South Florida with his second wife.

His radical ideas closely follow another biblical character. With his promise to be “president of the biggest government that this earth has experienced” many of his followers have received the tattoo 666 on their bodies.

Naturally De jesus Miranda suspects that there are those out to do him harm, which is why, as any other head of state, he is protected by a security detail that mimics the U.S. Secret Service. Didn’t Jesus raise from the dead before? If this man was Jesus wouldn’t he be able to do it again?

What De Jesus is doing at more than 300 centers in Central and South America, Cuba and the U.S. is preaching a message of “freedom to indulge” because according to this modern messiah, there is no sin, no devil and no hell to pay.

De Jesus says, “It doesn’t exist. The devil was destroyed two thousand years ago.”

His followers have organized marches at which they destroy religious books and symbols. They also have a campaign aimed at disrupting other religious gatherings, sometimes with violent consequences.

Yet not everyone is lining up for De jesus’ autograph. Not everyone is a fan of the movement. “What disturbs me is that he fits into the typical mold of a cult leader, total complete submission to his authority,” FIU Religion professor, Daniel Alvarez said. Alvarez has a Masters Degree in Theology from Harvard Divinity School, and is among those who fear “Creciendo en Gracia” has the makings of a destructive cult.

“He destroyed my family,” said former member Regina Albarracin, who left the church about 5 years ago. Her husband soon followed but their son Alvaro remained to become one of the ministry’s biggest financial backers, donating more than $1 million to the church.

Alvaro is not alone; many others have set up businesses in de Jesus’ name that pour cash into the ministry.

“I know were going to be running the whole world,” de Jesus said.

A web entrepreneur and self-made millionaire, Alvaro Albarracin left his wife and children for the man he calls Jesus. He has since remarried to another church member and rarely speaks to his parents who insist he’s been brainwashed by the man “they” certainly don’t call Jesus.

The New Jesus’ Vices:
Hard Liquor (”Jesus drank wine because he didn’t have Dewar’s,” De jesus defends)
Surrounds himself with beautiful women despite being married
Has several $11,000 Rolexes
Drives a BMW
$130,000 a year salary but gets gifts in sums larger than 1 million every year.
His new watch costs nearly what he makes without gifts in a year.

He claimed in 1998 to be Paul reincarnate but soon switched it over to be the man Jesus.

But still what are his radical teachings that make him so popular. De Jesus teaches that the Devil has been destroyed, and that Hell does not exist. Nevertheless, he claims there are two classes of people: those who reject his message and are therefore predestined, and those who accept his word as true. The latter are saved and cannot lose their salvation. Hence they are allowed to indulge in sin.

They claim the name of God and say they follow the bible as the source but the revelations made to De Jesus to guide them. I really wish I was making this up but it is real and his movement is real. I want to make fun of it because it is so transparently false but people are actually falling for this. It is sad above all things.

Chatting: Me and the Lawn

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I had an interesting conversation yesterday with the lawn and thought that I would chronicle the conversation here for your enjoyment.

Me: I wish you didn’t grown so that way I would never have to mow you.

Lawn: Well that is pretty greedy on your part. Perhaps I wish you had never grown up so that way you wouldn’t care if I were long or not.

Me: Well, I think I would care because it is hard to play kickball on you when you are long and I liked kickball a lot when I was a kid.

Lawn: Oh, well you know I don’t really enjoy being cut. It is rather uncomfortable.

Me: Yeah? I always thought you were like hair or something and that you didn’t mind.

Lawn: So you think that your hair likes it when you get it cut?

Me: I honestly didn’t think it leaned either way on the subject.

Lawn: Something tells me that you are way off base on this one.

Hair: He is totally right on this one.

Me: Well, why didn’t you tell me or something.

Hair: Would you have not gotten you hair cut?

Me: Probably not… but there have been a couple of times that I have let you grown out!

Hair: Yeah, thanks for letting me taste the dream only to snatch it away.

Me: Man you are a bummer, dude.

Lawn: Don’t blame it on him. You did this to him you know.

Me: Yeah but I am the dude. He only lives on me.

Lawn: That is such a healthy attitude. Why don’t you treat your eyes like that?

Me: What?

Lawn: Yeah… that didn’t make much sense.

Me: You know that I have to cut you, right? I mean they have a law and everything.

Lawn: What about the law that says there should be no cruel and unusual punishement.

Me: Well it isn’t really unusual.

Lawn: But it is cruel.

Me: I am pretty sure that it was written in regards to humans thought. I don’t think they meant to include grass.

Lawn: That stinks. Hey since you are going to cut me can you get me some of that fertilizer from Scotts?

Me: Won’t that make you just grow back faster?

Lawn: I guess, but it would really make me look nicer and I have got my eye on that lawn across the road. She has been checking me out. I am thinking about growing over there.

Me: I am pretty sure that you don’t have eyes and did you really think that the city is going to just let you grow across the street.

Lawn: Dang it! I hate that city.

Me: Well, technically you are like a part of the city.

Lawn: I hate you.

Me: Yeah, that’s to bad. I was kinda warming up to you.

Lawn: I can’t really hate anything you know. I am made of friggen grass.

Me: I can see that. Well, I gotta get going. Work and all that.

Lawn: Good, get your fat feet off of me.

Me: What?

Lawn: Nothing. Have a good day dude.

Me: Yeah. Check you later.

Lawn: Friggin Moron.

The New American Epidemic

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There is a new national epidemic that isn’t being listed in the pages of our medical Journals. It hasn’t made front-page coverage or first story news scare tactic like the glamorous bird flu. Instead this epidemic is sweeping the nation one head at a time. Well, more like one forehead, but you get the picture.

Giant Foreheadim is not a birth defect. Seemingly normal foreheaded parents are giving birth to these walking billboards. Even normal children can grow up to have gigantic foreheads.

Research done at Berkley has laid to rest the farfetched tales that increased brain size due to over zealous learning has lead to this monstrosity of the epidermis foreheadious. Instead it appears that the over use of facial blemish removers and other facial creams are to blame.

Due to the nature of this epidemic it has effected some of Hollywood's elite actors and actresses. The average Hollywood forehead has grown by over 1 inch in the past 4 years alone.

Some have even tried to fight back by removing their foreheads and chins completely as a means to avoid not only ridicule but comparisons to John Kerry as well.

It was just the other night on the way to my parents house that an individual riding a motorcycle behind me gave me quite a scare when it appeared that his facial features had almost slide the entire way off of his head. He could have easily cleaned his own chin off with his tongue.

Aveda institute is now working on a cream to reverse the side effects of other creams. Yet for this particular epidemic there is no immediate help.

A Fully Accredited Usher

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This past weekend my previous roommate and Excel buddy, Leroy, got married. As part of this glorious day I was given the title and all the prestige and responsibility of Usher. Most likely Head Usher but clearly they didn’t want to hurt the other guy’s feelings.

To say that I was eloquent and precise would be to put too soft a point on it. God was glorified by my ushing. How, you might ask, did I come upon the skill set to perform such a rigorous activity with such dexterity and grace? Simple, I went to Dunwoody.

Ushering is one of the 26 surprising career options that are available at Dunwoody. After seeing one of their commercials I decided to jump-start my career. So I called Dunwoody and enrolled in their exciting Ushering program.

Now, I completed the painstaking 45-minute program in early February but one is not accredited without the 3 hours of Usher related duties. That is where this weekend came in. Pending a review by the Ushering Board of Greater Minnesota and a peer review by the individual who ushered with me I will have achieved my fully accredited status.

So I owe my pending success in the growing field of ushing to my friend Leroy who had the kindness of heart and presence of mind to name me lead usher for his wedding. Now I can make a living ushering at local benefits concerts and the Cineplex down the road from here. My life is greatly improved.

Behold: The TedTron

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An Artist Conception

The time has come for me to build a robot of myself. I have decided to call it TedTron and need a little input as to what I should include in my self-made robot. Below is a list of the things that I have decided to include.

- Laser beam attached to the forhead
- Forearm mounted machine guns
- Shoulder mounted rocket launchers
- A 6-pack abs system (storage for 6 beverages and a cooling system)
- Jet feet for flying
- A Minnesota Twins baseball cap for keeping it real
- Wireless internet
- A TV implanted in his wrist
- A tattoo of Dumbo
- A cheese grater in his index finger
- Cheese Puff launcher
- A branch of the United States Mint
- Cool spinning rims
- A shoulder compartment for keeping my stuff in.
- 2 6” speakers in his chest so I can rock out
- Oh, yeah and a hook up for my I-pod
- Rocking dance moves
- A microwave oven and a compartment full of hot pockets

Now, I have a pretty amazing start here but I don’t want to forget anything, so if there is anything else that is awesome that I should add to the TedTron let me know.

The New Era: RecommendTED

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Today we welcome a new category to the “Ted Was Here” family. That category is RecommendTED (see the right tool bar). The RecommendTED is anything or anyone that I recommend. The first ever Ted Was Here RecommendTED seal of ultimate approval goes to Brenne Builders.

Now, to be completely fair I know Brenne Builders and he is my friend, I don’t just slather anyone with this seal of ultimate approval. If I did that my seal wouldn’t be worth a thing. I have a background in working in construction and more specifically residential home design and construction. I designed and seen hundreds of the highest tier of homes and I know quality work when I see it.

Having said that I bestow the Ted Was Here RecommendTED seal of ultimate approval upon Brenne Builders. You can be sure that when I get my house there will be no one outside of Brenne Builders and myself who will do any work on it.

Enjoy this prestigious award, Brenne Builders! You have earned it.

After electing their new president, Nicolas Sarkozy, France began to immediately regret their own decision. Sarkozymay have won the presidency, but he hasn't won over the many French who consider him and his free-market reforms and tough line on crime and immigration frighteningly brutal. Or in other words just moments after electing a non-socialist President the French decided that they had made another gigantic mistake.

Amidst the civil unrest on Saturday night another riot plunged into the street destroying some 730 cars and leading to 592 arrests, police said. Then again onMonday night, several hundred people massed at the Place de la Bastille in Paris, breaking windows in nearby shops and starting street fires. Riot officers dispersed them, and about 100 people were detained, police said Tuesday. One police officer was lightly injured and eight cars and two scooters were torched, according to the Paris police headquarters. Police officials said the perpetrators appeared to be anarchists and far leftists.

In yet another location in western France, hundreds gathered again Monday night, with a few dozen hurling beer bottles and other projectiles at police. Police responded with tear gas and arrested several people. Public buildings were also damaged and minor incidents were also reported in Toulouse in southern France.

The deposed socialist regime called for a ceasing of violence sometime late Tuesday, after all the rioting had been stopped by police. "To all those who can hear me, I ask them to immediately stop all this behavior," Socialist Party chief Francois Hollande said. “Unless you haven’t been given the chance to express your dissatisfaction with the current election, in which case we encourage you to let you opinions be know by destroying someone else’s possessions and costing a financially crippled government even more money to replace what you have destroyed.”

Many demands face the new President Sarkozy, who was handed a mandate for reforms that include tax cuts and new labor rules making it easier to hire and fire to revive the sluggish economy
He faces a steep challenge in carrying this out in a country that cherishes its generous social safety net. Early reports are that Sarkozy has considered resigning the office so he doesn’t have to deal with the French.

Santa Where Art Thou?

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It is about this time of the year where ever little boy and girl and 34-year-old still living in their parents attic wonder exactly what is Old Saint Nick up to these days. Well I thought it would be beneficial to track this dude down and see what exactly he is up too. Now finding Saint Nick isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world, as you might think. I tried calling all of the major resorts in the Caribbean only to come to the conclusion that the fat old elf is using an alias.

Turns out when ever he is out and about, according to the North Pole Public Affairs Coordinator Terry Winkle (Yeah, I know. What a dumb name for an elf, right?), Santa prefers to use an alias so that he doesn’t have to deal with the kids. Turns out much like most parents Santa wants only limited amount of time with children.

So I went about to track this lardo down. I uncovered a faint trail in Costa Rica. There was a tale about a large man in a full body red swimming suit hassling 18-year-old women on the beach for being “quite naughty”. No complaint was filed. I decided this was a good place to start.

By the time I had arrived the man had been gone for almost two weeks. I checked his hotel bill to find an exorbitant room service bill consisting mostly of milk and cookies. I no longer had any doubts that I had found my man. The trail next led me to Trinidad, the largest and most southern of the island chain. There the trail went seeming cold for almost two days until I found a small fishing hut that a large pasty white man with a gigantic beard had rented the week before. Turns out that our “Jolly Old Elf” had been inspecting a new toy that was popular to the region and negotiated the acquisition of the original plans.

From there the man went to the Galapagos Islands and was joined by a large but cute woman for a week according to the bellhop. But they had left the night before to join a toy convention in Japan. Again the room service bill was a cluster of milk, cookies, and hot cocoa, a seldom-ordered treat in that climate.

It was in Japan that I finally came across the fresh trail of Santa Clause. I had found out from the previous 3 locations that Santa and Mrs. Clause were traveling under the identity of Steven and Julie Fortmoth, a couple who own a novelty toy shop in Aspen. I found them at the toy convention and confronted them.

Of course they begged me to keep their secret in exchange for an interview late in the holiday season. So you can look forward to an indepth interview right before Christmas this year. And it looks like Santa only takes about 4 to 5 weeks of vacation and the rest is spend hunting down new toy concepts and designs. He isn’t in Japan anymore because the toy convention is over but I did hear him mention something about a tour in Europe to find the latest in model airplanes. So if you see a Mr. Fortmoth in Europe looking at model plans, you should probably just leave him alone. He is pretty busy.

Can science and God coexist?

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Okay so the question of all questions, as posed by our scientific community, is wither or not God and “reason”, as they deem it, coexist. I don’t intend to start a fight here but it would appear that at least one scientist thinks it is possible.

British cosmologist Stephen Hawking said as he prepared to experience the weightlessness of space travel that of all the mysteries of the universe, he wants to know how it is that humans are in it. "The universe is so big, so smooth and yet just right enough for us to exist," Hawking said in an interview with Reuters.

Now it seems as though he is relating that the mere existence of man is a miracle in the scientific sense. The fact that the universe or more exactly the planet earth is as it is makes it idea for human interaction. That coupled with the concept that it is all some big crapshoot of an accident makes it even harder to understand.

Even when offering his own rebuttal Hawking cannot help but relate the truth of the universe while trying to explain his job and maintain his funding.

"I'm not religious in the normal sense," Hawking said. "I believe the universe is governed by the laws of science. The laws may have been decreed by God, but God does not intervene to break the laws."

It is very evident by his statements that science cannot offer a valid explanation to the origins of man and that the concept of God is a valid option.

I’m not saying, I’m just saying is all…



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