Over Christmas, my wife and myself got together with her family. It’s a tradition for her dad’s side of the family to get together every other Christmas and rent out the gym at the local school. They all get together and play basketball and other games and to end the night there is a white elephant gift exchange.

When these people give crappy gifts, they mean it. There was a frog dressed in a pink matador outfit playing golf. There was an octopus wearing a flower print dress and bonnet that was a piggy bank. I got a stuffed Taco Bell dog. It was brutal.

That event of course brought out the story of the best white elephant gift of all time.

The recipient of the gift was my wife’s aunt, Jeannette. As she tore through the rapping paper that year she found a medical jar. And what did the jar contain? Her own appendix that she had removed some 15 years earlier.

This story is too crazy for anyone to think up. Someone found the appendix in a jar of formaldehyde in her mother’s basement (Jeanette’s mother and my wife’s grandmother had passed away that year). They wrapped it up for the white elephant gift and Jeanette ended up with it.

Like I said… Best White Elephant Gift Ever!

Christmas is a time...

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for faking. Faking like you enjoyed whatever it is that you got stuck with.

Here are the list of things I got this year.

A cat (I am allergic)
A pre-owned cover for the jet ski I don't own.
Tickets to last years Icescapades
A life size poster of Ahmed Qorei, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister
3 broken tea cups
A jug of seaweed juice
A tape of bears growling
A dead bird
An 8 pound wade of pocket lint.
Teeth, mostly childrens
The "H", "E" and "D" keys from a typewriter
An assorted collection of acapella groups on 8 track
A calender from Indonesia (printed in whatever their native language is)
3 more cats.
A goat leg (the whole thing)

I love my family. Does anyone want a goat leg?

Suffering for a chuckle

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This post is for Roger, who suffers greatly for the off chance that TWH makes him chuckle. We all can appreciate his ability to deal with my complete and utter incompetence when it comes to the written English language.

I for one am impressed with the fact that he has not gone completely insane, foaming at the mouth and running around his house naked. Come to think of it I cannot be certain he hasn't. I also, have no desire to find out.

More importantly we, as his online social support group, need to figure out ways that we can more helpfully be an aid to our dear friend.

What do you mean more helpfully is a wrong use of the way your supposed to say things nicely proper?

I do not understand the meanings of what the words you are saying are supposed to mean.

I wase trying to help.

Now look at whatwe have doned!

Health Advisory!

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Minneapolis in under a health advisory today for pollution! That means if you go outside today you will be polluted.

Here are a couple of tasks that I haven't figured out how to overcome in light of the advisory:

1.) Get from the office to the light rail to get home.

2.) Get from the light rail to home. (the last leg of the home trip)

3.) Breathe. (I have asthma and severe allergies so I think huffing down some smog might not be a good idea)

Those should be the only issues. Other than that I am geared up for the Holiday season. Geared up in your face.

Christmas Songs

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Many times I catch myself making up new lyrics to overplayed Christmas songs. I have decided to give you some examples so you can enjoy this as well.

Silent Night

Silent night, turn on Light
Not so calm, trident fight!
Around the table Grandpa runs
Cased by one of his ungrateful sons
Grandma died last year
Grandma died last year

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the store
To get my shopping done
Got to buy some gifts
For people who earned none
Its Christmas time again
And I can’t be a Grinch
They’re all getting Dvds
Or CDs in a pinch
Jingling Bells Jingling Bells
Jingling for the duration of the trip
I enjoy transport via one beast propulsion
I find amusement in it.

O Holy Night

O What a Gift
I never even asked for
Because there’s no way
I would ever want this stuff
Sweaters that don’t fit
With fluffy reindeers on them
And socks adorned
With bright shades of pink
A sowing kit
A pad of princess paper
Anything that breaks
Because its made of plastic
What is this stuff
O hear the anguished voices
This Stuff is mine
Why did I make a wish list
This Stuff is mine, Oh no,
This Stuff is mine.

White Christmas

You’re dreaming of a nice Christmas
Unlike the ones you’ve had before
Where your children hear you
And spouse revere you
Despite the gifts you gave before

You’re dreaming of a bright Christmas
With every string of lights you buy
Maybe this year a relative won’t die
And the holiday season will pass you by.

Frosty The Snowman

Milton the cabbie was a jolly happy Dane,
He was 4 foot 2, He smelled like glue,
and probably wasn’t sane
Milton the cabbie used to chew on cigars all day
When he went to far he would stop the car
And throw his cigar in someone’s face
There must have been some whisky in that
Old hip flask he found
For when he pressed it to his lips
The cab would swerve around
O, Milton the Cabbie
Didn’t want to live
But he didn’t die so he spent his time
Drinking like a fish.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Milton loved to talk
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Driving on your sidewalk.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Kermit the frog is in your bedroom

He’s hiding in there,
And he’s watching you;
He knows everything that your gonna do
Kermit the frog is in your bedroom

He hiding in the bathroom
Or maybe under your bed
He could be in the closet or
Behind the curtains instead

Auld Lang Syne

Should all the lyrics be forgot
And never come to mind
Should all the lyrics be forgot
I will eat some pumpkin pie

Its pumpkin pie time my dear
Its time for pumpkin pie.
Nobody knows what words go here
Its time for pumpkin pie.

And for one of you in particular... Bear.

This is what I do at work

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Many of you have come up to me and asked exactly what I do at work.

Here you go.

Click here for the music video and a free download of the song.

Enter the Haggis

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I am going to go way out on a limb and say that you have never heard anything like this in your life.

Forgotten… but not lost

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There is a priceless and timeless pastime that has lost favor in the sight of the public in the past couple of decades. What was once considered “good, clean, wholesome fun” has been label by the powers that be as “gross and inappropriate”.

I am of course talking about public urination and chances are that while you haven’t done it your grandfather most likely has. Think about it, your grandpa is more hip than you are. Although, once again, his hips are more likely to be made of titanium, giving him an unfair advantage.

What has happened in our world that has driven this time honored tradition indoors? Now you can only pee in specific locations that have been sanctioned for that type of activity. Does this not sound like Nazi Germany to anyone else?

Gone are the days of writing your name on the side of the car belonging to the guy who took the parking spot you were waiting for. No more can you kill ants in a flood of warm and stinky liquid because they are smaller than you and they cannot hold on to a tree with that kind of pressure bearing down on them. Fantasy is the only place where you will find a yellow snow angel.

All that creative expression is gone. All we have left is a 0% chance that we are going to catch more of a person than we want to when we round the corner of the mini-mart. Or the off chance that your son will have fallen down into some mud with his pants around his ankle.

Okay so the kid will most likely still fall into the mud with no pants on, but it won’t be a urine related incident, so help me God!

Tis the season for general aches and pains, as well as the headache that comes from children screaming for no reason. Back pain from lifting the boxes of ornaments from the bottom shelf in storage. Sore arms from stringing lights up over your head for 13 straight hours in sub-zero degree weather. Yep, nothing says it’s the holidays like pain relievers and muscle relaxers.

So to get myself into the Christmas spirit, I turned on some Nat King Cole and slipped in the shower, imprinting the side of the tub onto my lower back. Then I wiggled and writhed in pain as I watched my wife put the hundreds of teddy bear ornaments I have collected over the years onto our tree.

My wife applied Icy-Hot to my back about 3 times a day all weekend and I have been taking the maximum allotted amounts of ibuprofen. I sat on the couch playing video games until my mind audibly yelled at me via a small speaker I had installed in the back of my skull (and my doctor told me that I would never use it).

“Get up!” it yelled. So I got up. Then I fell back down in pain. “Okay, crawl to the bedroom. We just need to move a little bit.” So I crawled back to the bedroom and laid facedown on the bed for a while.

I am planning on getting mauled by a bear on Christmas Eve. That way I can fully enjoy the Holiday season. What are you going to do for Christmas? What are your traditions? Are you going to get targeted in a drive by?

Happy 15 days till Christmas you mobile miscreants!

Ninjas in the Snowstorm

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Ninjas always wear black. That is why the Ninja Association of America have roundly endorsed the use of Woolite Liquid Dark Laundry Fabric Wash as the only viable detergent cleaning treatment for dark fabrics.

This begs the question. Dressed all in black, can a ninja hid amidst the snow? I went outside yesterday to check. I went to some major ninja routes in the Twin Cities region and stayed there almost the entirety of the night (ninjas are nocturnal).

Apparently they also get cold because I couldn’t spot one even with my motion sensor camera. Even thought I failed to get a picture of a ninja, I did get one of a raccoon taking advantage of an under aged red pleather handbag. That one is going into the family album.

Anyway, I decided to go talk to my old roommate Leroy, who as we all know has some fierce ninja skills. His words were full of wisdom and sincerity but he also had a red ball so I left without a clue as to what was said in our conversation. He probably said “Hi ya!” at some point in time because he is a ninja.

It wasn’t until later that I found out that the NAA also endorses bleach. Stupid white ninja suits. At least I have the raccoon picture.

Cannon Ball

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Do you remember when you used to do cannon balls at the public pool and you would splash everyone. Yeah. I still do that, even in winter.

I will take a large tub of water and set it out on the street corner. Then we people are waiting for the light I run and jump and yell cannon ball. It’s just like doing it at the pool except the people get way more upset.

You get their laptops wet and their fancy phones wet and their suits all wet. They don’t care for it but it is just so funny. I laugh and then run back inside and towel off. It’s a total rush.

People try and follow me but I lock the door and then they scatter to the wind in search of finding their own warm places to dry off in. Their hair usually freezes though.

On a totally unrelated note, does anyone know a good lawyer?

Feudal War

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My lord, the vassals are unhappy. They are threatening a revolt.

I know that you don’t really have the time or energy to deal with this currently so I released those in the prison who have contracted the “black death.” Soon your lands will be cleared of these sniveling would be usurpers.

I thought you might like that. We won’t even have to lift a finger to fight them. I took the liberty of collecting some of the younger boys and girls and stowing them in the country house.

I thought it would be good to have a way to replenish the work force when the others die. Children aging from 3 to 16 were taken last night.

Even before the war has begun we will win. Unless the people we let out of the prison don’t really have anything wrong with them outside of scurvy. Our prisoners don’t get much citric acid.

Or if the vassals kill them and burn the bodies right away with minimal skin contact and them wash vigorously with hot water to avoid the germs. But that would be a lot of work. They would have to kill them. Then have like one person gather them. Then get water and a fire and have that person wash himself in the hot water.

It is quite apparent that my sinister plan has quite a few flaws. Not to mention that the older boys will get quite upset about us killing their parents. Have you ever considered moving?



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