My friend Kevin posted a conversation he had with Leroy. I decided to post the conversation I had with him right after he talked with Kevin.

Leroy: (Appearing at my front door). I need you to watch Kevin for a couple of days.
Ted: Why?
Leroy: He has Krista.
Ted: Why does Kevin have Krista?
Leroy: He kidnapped her.
Ted: Care to explain.
Leroy: He left me a message at work saying that he had Krista and would not let her go until I killed Mickey Mouse.
Ted: Did he say why he wanted you to kill Mickey Mouse?
Leroy: He said that the counsel told him that Mickey is a threat to national security.
Ted: The counsel?
Leroy: Yeah. An original action figure of Luke Skywalker, a batman action figure, a Shrek pillow and a half eaten twinkie. Kevin and I consult with them before we make any decision.
Ted: That is down right strange.
Leroy: I was really happy when they approved Krista.
Ted: I bet you were. Why don’t you just hop over Kevin’s fence and get Krista Back.
Leroy: I tried but the fence was too tall. I scuffed my knee up.
Ted: Yeah, that looks painful. Do you want a Band-Aid?
Leroy: No thanks; I already urinated on it, so it should be fine.
Ted: Okay.
Leroy: I am glad I didn’t make it over the fence though because I know Kevin has a league of mutant gargoyle ninjas.
Ted: Have you slept at all this month?
Leroy: I haven’t had time. So can you keep an eye on Kevin for me?
Ted: Okay… what am I supposed to be watching for?
Leroy: Just make sure he doesn’t torture Krista and make her tell him the secret family recipe for Bushes Baked Beans.
Ted: Krista knows the secret to the Bushes Baked Beans recipe?
Leroy: Don’t be stupid, only Jay Bush and his dog Duke know that.
Ted: Then how would she tell Kevin the secret?
Leroy: Krista is telekinetic with animals. She could totally channel that dog.
Ted: Does Krista know that she can do this?
Leroy: I am not sure. Listen, thanks for taking care of this for me. I will be back a week from Thursday.
Ted: It’s going to take that long to assassinate Mickey Mouse?
Leroy: No. I should have that done in a couple of days but I am taking some much-needed R&R while I am down there. I booked a week at a resort and spa.
Krista: Wouldn’t you want to take Krista with you for that?
Leroy: Well, I would but Kevin has her. Okay see you in a week.

Kiss your cholesterol good-bye!

Is there anything that destroys our new years resolutions like the state fair? Loads of lard laden foods skewered for maximum fair portability.

I know what you are thinking. I will just have some of the fruit on a stick. No, you won’t. By this time tomorrow you will weigh 18lbs more.

You are gross.

Post It Pandemonium

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I know I know I haven’t posted in a while. I would ask you to forgive me but you won’t so I am not wasting the energy.

So I was sitting at my desk writing profanities on post it notes and then sticking them under my shirt, which I do every day at around 3:30, when I noticed that I had a burning sensation where the small yellow squares were adhered to my flesh. I do the only thing that is conceivable natural to do. I started doing the sacred Indian dance of burning flesh while ripping the little yellow buggers off of my skin.

Apparently I have developed an allergy to the chemicals in Post It Notes adhesives. Or at least that is what the homeless man I paid 50 dollars to so that he would be my doctor told me. (On a side note: Great advice. Bert’s 17 years on the street has given him the savvy it takes to discern complex problems. I recommend him to the overpriced, licensed and trained alternative.)

Bert told me that when his skin gets irritated he likes to go down to one of the lakes at night and take a bath. I, fortunately enough, have a shower, which Bert suggested would also do the trick.

I went straight home took a shower and enough benadryl to put a baby seal down while it’s skin is being harvested and woke up in the morning feeling great. There were some remnants of the scaring still easily visible but with only four or five more treatments they should be completely gone.

Now all I have to is figure out what to do with forty cases of Post Its.

Bears eat man at beer festival

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Kevin found this story on I have not altered it even in the slightest to preserve its wholesome goodness.

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

TWH Salute to Nerds!

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I salute you nerds. With you aversion to human interactions and overwhelming knowledge of farfetched plot lines. I appreciate your dedication to computers and the games that replace a person’s life.

If it wasn’t for you laptops would be pretty much only for business people and would be vastly over priced, but your demand for playing video games and communicating with your online Ever Qwest brethren on the rare occasion you vacate your desk has driven prices down.

You make my general disinterest in hygiene seem okay in comparison. Many of you also parade around in sweatpants with TV show theme t-shirts on, make me, a jeans and t-shirt fella, seem fashionable.

I understand your enjoyment of the story lines that demand you have an active imagination and bask in the glory of your loose grip on reality. You spend copious amounts of money on nostalgia items that are best described as over priced and under cleaned. William Shatner’s sweat is what dictates how much your money is worth.

I honor you, in part because you scare me, in part because you smell bad, and in part because you have forced the technology of our time to chase you lofty and completely unscientific aspirations of a TV show thereby making my life increasingly better.

I encourage you to take a moment from either you computer game or Zena TV series to stand up out of the chair that has been completely formed to you back and is now 95% Cheetos to wave a hand towards the masses of people who are grateful for what you have contributed to society but wouldn’t be caught dead with you in public.

Well Done!

In a last ditch effort to straighten out Lindsey Lohan’s drug and alcohol addictions, Wonder Woman has agreed to take some time out of her busy schedule to talk with the budding star.

Absent of late from the U.S. super hero scene, Wonder Woman has been taking some “me time” in Australia while do pro bono super hero work in Indonesia. “I realized that in spending all my time addressing the needs of others, I had forgotten what my own needs were.” Wonder Woman said at a press conference in France.

With reports of a new Wonder Woman movie surfacing in Hollywood, the classic hero decided it was time to come back to the U.S. and do a little house cleaning. “There has been a dramatic drop off in super hero activity in the Northern Hemisphere, in part because of economic conditions, but also many super heroes felt that the rest of the world needed some attention.

Bruce Wayne, AKA Batman, from his villa in Chili released a statement encouraging Wonder Woman’s return to the limelight of California. “She always had a way with camera and to be honest I feel like she is the best equipped to handle the growing problems that face that community. I fully support her efforts and encourage her to make a difference in the lives of the people there.”

Robin, who recently left the Wayne fold, has since left the hero gig for a work in snuff films. He was unavailable for a comment but his publicist stated he wished her luck and would welcome the chance to work with her in the professional capacity.

Meanwhile Wonder Woman has been buffing up on the recent press releases and other various media venues as they pertain to Lindsey Lohan so that there can be some substance to the conversation they are set to have in rehab in the following weeks. “I really want to make sure that I give a positive message that is tailored to her life. I want her to see that I am making an effort to reach her by knowing what she is facing and what she has been going thru.”

Wonder Woman also stated that if all else failed she would take her up to about a mile and threaten to drop her unless she stops the drugs and alcohol.

Late Summer Excursions

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It is always about this time of the year when I realized I have squandered the summer away on mint flake ice cream and cheese. So I always attempt to remedy the situation by taking as many weekend trips in a row as I can, cramming as much fun and car miles into as short amount of time as possible.

This weekend I will be driving about 5 hours north on Friday to spend all of Saturday at Peter’s Cabin to return on Sunday. I will then spend the next two days cleaning out my clothes to head back out of town.

Then on next Wednesday morning I will again pack a car and with a gaggle of friends head up to the North Shore for 5 days, where I will splash about in various rivers and lakes. Fun will be had and I will take the following week to recoup.

I have friends coming into town for the next weekend but I will most likely, out of habit, have to drive northward.

My point is this. As readers of this blog you will have to read pointless dribble on one of my links for the next week because of my travel schedule. Just remember that I view you all with contempt and a certain degree of disdain.

With Love,

Barry Bonds: All Time Home Run Leader

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Barry Lamar Bonds has etched his name into the history books, but the question remains what, if anything, will be etched next to it.

At a press conference after the game Bonds animatedly reiterated that the record was in no way tainted. There is no hard evidence to prove him wrong. There is however a large amount circumstantial evidence that says the man is a cheat.

The talks will most likely continue forever, unless he is proven of taking steroids. There is little hope currently that there will ever be any resolution to this argument, which is why many have stated there should be an asterisk next to his name in the record books.

I don’t know if Bond’s is innocent and I certainly cannot prove he is guilty, but I hope that he didn’t take steroids. I hope for his family’s sake, his fathers sake, his name’s sake and most of all his own that the record is clean and untainted.

But I cannot bring myself to believe it.

Answered Prayers

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So I was sitting at my desk today and thinking today must be a Monday, because here I am at work and I totally want a cookie. But I don’t have any cookies and I don’t exactly have a stove built into my computer… yet!

That’s right you fat slobs, your prayers have been answered. Now from the comfort of you double-wide extra-plush desk chair you can bake little snack cakes to eat, hot and fresh, in-between various conference calls.

This nifty little Ez-Bake oven fits into your 5 ¼” drive bay and plugs right into your power supply (adapter included). Also included in this incredible deal is the PC Ez-Cook book, which contains hundreds of easy and creative recipes. Its even got a fuzzy-logic cooking control system to precisely measure the doneness of you cakes, cookies, or cheese soufflé.

Eat you heart out with the new PC Ez-Bake Oven.

Warning: This product is related to early death caused by heavy weight gain.


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I have been thinking for a while about what to say and how to go about relating my emotions and thoughts over the whole ordeal. I thought about sharing my story but so many already have and I am not sure that it helps.

Firstly in case someone out there reads this and does know me, I am the guy whose fiancé was on the phone with her cousin. We believed at the time that she had called right when the bridge was collapsing. This is because frantic and inconclusive information. Thanks CNN, for having the picture be of me with my mouth open.

It was an hour before we found out that Erica was all right. She was on the bridge and fell quite a great distance but all in all she is fine but extremely sore. She is very resilient and it is ever impressive to me how well she is responding to the whole situation. She is strong.

During the hour when we didn’t know where she was it was quite an ordeal. The fear, helplessness and over all shakiness we experienced during that weight still hangs heavy on me and I cannot, despite my own desires, shake those feelings.

Erica has reiterated multiple times that she would like people to pray for those who are not as lucky as we were, for those who do not share our fate and cannot hold those they care about.

Here is a picture from the Star Tribune that shows Erica’s situation better, I think, that I could with unlimited time and space. I had a friend put a circle around her car and you can see her standing next to it. With some rough estimations we believe that she fell about fifty or so feet in her car.

I could express further the blessing it is to have Erica safe. However, I would rather spend the time to relate the exquisite job that the many men and women who comprise our first response units did. They are all of our heroes. Their efforts assure every person in Minnesota that in a time of crisis we all have the best chance to be rescued and out of harm's way. I am so proud to be a Minnesotan today. Thank you seems to leave so much left on the table.

To those of you who were there and in any way aided others, you all are the character that makes me proud to be a citizen alongside you. I am proud of you and your altruistic and lifesaving efforts. Human beings, Americans, and Minnesotans stand tall on the shoulders of the selfless heroics that you exhibited.

In a time that has been eclipsed by tragedy the honor and bravery for all who participated in the rescue efforts has made a moment of immense sorrow and fear a moment that will be heralded as one of the finest this state has ever seen.

The medal and make of all those involved is only barely overshadowed by the remorse and mourning we all feel for those whose lives were claimed by this immeasurable misfortune. Our prayers, thoughts and efforts are for you. We, if we can, will give of ourselves in order to ease your suffering, but weep you must and we will weep with you.

00Flash Drive

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Now if you like me, and I know I am, you’ve got a ton of highly sensitive material stored next to the lint in your pocket. I am talking about your flash drive of course.

Now I often loose entire ten minute naps worrying about what would happen if China got a hold of my flash drive; Not China the country but China the grossly man-ish professional wrestler.

Finally someone has heard my cry. A company called IronKey has introduced a flash drive that employs military-grade AES hardware-based encryption, but 10 failed attempts will result in the IronKey “self-destructing” internally rendering the data completely unrecoverable, even with forensic tools.

Now us regular Joe Schmos can keep our top 10 lists completely secure from prying eyes and nosey hippies. Oh yeah and the flash drive also doubles as a car. Sweet huh?



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