NBA Playoffs: Team Profiles

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Admittedly I haven’t seen enough of the playoffs to comment on all the teams so I am just going to give the profiles for the teams that I have seen play.

Cleveland Cavaliers

This is the Playground All Stars. One superb player that is leaps and bounds about anyone else around him, an old guy who thinks he is still the best, a least 2 creepy guys that you let play because they are either tall or fast, a couple of streaky shooters and the guy who moved in from another city. They rely way too heavily on their star player as all the other players are riding him for a championship and stardom. You are also not certain how seriously they are all taking this.

Chicago Bulls

The very young high school team. There are a couple of players who are good and bordering on great but there is a huge fall of from your top 3 players and the rest are only serviceable if you are feeling generous with the term.

Boston Celtics

The Rolling Stones. They look old, they are old, but their style of play is something that apparently you can do and still rock at even when half of your players are corpses. Fill in every now and then with a new drummer and viola a comeback tour. They might be trading on past accomplishments though and nobody is dying for the new stuff.

Miami Heat

Playing at the park. One really good player and his buddies take on all new comers. The one player is responsible for 100% of the wins and the rest of the guys are responsible for 100% of the losses. The good kid is trying to find a way to get to AAU basketball.

Orlando Magic

I should have a thought on them but I don’t.

Atlanta Hawks

Dominique Wilkins. They have all the talent in the world but can’t pull it together to win something substantial. They shoot threes when they should be driving for the dunk, dunk when they are down by 3 with 1 second left. Generally amazing and confusing at the same time.

Milwaukee Bucks

1985-86 Jordan. Have you ever played a game of basketball, looked at the team that is coming on next and thought to yourself “That is a tough team.”. That is this team. They have talent and team chemistry oozing out of every pore. They haven’t won yet but it is just a matter of time.

This is with Bogut. I can’t give you a real feel for the team without Bogut other than to say Branding Jennings is faster than whoever is guarding him.

Los Angeles Lakers

My 1992 Bonneville SSEi Supercharged. The car was awesome; spacious and fast with leather interior and loads of speakers. It was awesome. It also chewed through transmissions and was not reliable ever. I got ride of it for a Mazada because I was sick of worrying when it was going to fail me next. Also it got old.

OKC Thunder

The first generation I-Phone. Cool, sexy and so far advanced it doesn’t even make sense. Tools and apps that you hadn’t even thought of yet. Downside? Doesn’t always work. Too new to be as perfect as you know it is going to be down the road. Intermittent service, functions that you don’t even use, but man if it isn’t the coolest thing right now.

Denver Nuggets

Dr. Richard Kimble. (google it). They are victims of a series of events that were out of their control. They know what they need to do but can’t do it. George Karl fighting cancer, K-mart’s knee and facing the Utah Jazz in the first round. Its an uphill battle for them every step of the way and I don’t think they are going to get their freedom (escape first round) to find the answers they are looking for. (answers = championship in the last sentence)

Utah Jazz

Emmit Smith. You get the same performance, a little bit of show, a little bit of power and a little bit of finesse, every night. You remember the game you saw yesterday. You are going to see the same thing tonight and tomorrow night and the next night. This is a good quality when every round is a 7 game series.

Dallas Mavericks

Prolonged Sexual tension on a TV show. I am going to use Bones as an example. You have Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth who are constantly starring longingly into each others eyes only to come up with a stupid excuse for not being in a relationship. That is the way Dallas is with a championship. Every year they stare into each others eyes and come up with another dumb reason to not be together.

San Antonio Spurs

The old guys at the Y. They have been playing together for the past, I don’t know, 80 years and they can anticipate the needs and movements of the players around them. Unfortunately they also suffer from arthritis, an enlarged prostate and ED. They are good and fundamentally sound. Its not that they are old, its that the were old 5 years ago.

Phoenix Suns

King of the playground. The one guy who has been around for ever at the playground and makes everyone who plays with him better but never makes it off the playground. He is fun to watch and there is a way higher premium put on scoring then defending but its really hard to imagine him anywhere else and that is a problem when he hasn’t every been holding the trophy.

Portland Trailblazers

I don’t really know much about them except that Brandon Roy is nuts/all man.

KFC: Double Down

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First of all I ordered it with original recipe. I had KFC ten years ago. NOT THE ORIGINAL RECIPE. Remember when the breading was crunchy and kinda think? Apparently KFC doesn’t remember that.

Grease. I know it was to be expected but honestly you cannot begin to imagine how much. It was bordering on swimming levels.

Bacon… I know that its supposed to be fatty but there should be something other than fat on the bacon. Bacon is not white.

The cheese was fine. It was your standard non-descript flavored cheese.

The Coronals special sauce… first of all, is that not the worst name ever and I do mean ever. I am pretty sure it was just to add color and had no actual flavor related role.

Oh so my overall review is mixed. A single sandwich costs you $5.48. It isn’t supper filling because it is all meat.

I would give it a 3 out of 5 stars. Tastes good, not filling, expensive and essentially a one way ticket to a funeral home. But on the upside it did slow my heart down.

NBA: Timberwolves

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First off big kudos to Chris Wright, President of the Timberwolves for taking my email and responding. Didn't know that the NBA Front Office was like that.

He decided to go with the current uniforms that the Timberwolves have over my recommended version. see below

But in talking with him briefly I came across the greatest single challenge I think the NBA and the Timberwolves have to face. At my house I have an HD projector, a large and comfortable couch, Tivo and inexpensive food at every turn. I have been to the target center. They have a dark and rather uninviting atmosphere alongside expensive food.

You can see the problem. Why go to a game when I have it at home and under way more favorable condition. The NBA wants you to believe that the atmosphere of proffessional basketball is something that you have to be there to appreciate. I would argue that with HD you are more there than if you were at a game. You get up close and personal with the players, watching their expressions and frustrations and you get instant replay at a whim.

So I tried to think of what it would take to make people my age want to go to a professional basketball game.

The first and most obvious step is to have an explosive player. If you aren't sure if this works please see Allen Iverson and the 76ers. People want to see a dynamic player with a dynamic character. The wolves have some potentially dynamic players but no dynamic character.

Next is changing the Atmosphere of the Stadium. For some reason when you go into an NBA stadium they want there to be nothing else to even look at outside of the basketball game. But pursing that ideal the stadiums often feel a little like a prison. They are dark places where the upper level seats are under a shroud.

The NBA needs to look toward other sports to see why their stadiums are successful. The answer is of course that they let you see the city around them, or the sky. They are more open to their surroundings. Now I am not suggesting a retractable dome basketball stadium but why couldn't it have a glass top. Why could you be sitting at a Timberwolves game and be able to look up and see the city around you. Imagine that with snow falling and you have an atmosphere that I can't get at home.

Also cheap food. You need to run the NBA games like a happy hour. Cheap beer and hot appetizers. That is how you put butts in the seats. A bar + happy hour = crowded.

The NBA faces a real challenge in bringing fans in. The other line of conversation in my emails was the Timberwolves getting more involved in the park leagues. But that conversation is for another day.

DD is funny. So funny in fact that he accidently made people think Carrot Top was funny just by standing beside him at a party. Carrot Top is not funny.

DD sometimes dresses as Spike Lee and goes to the Knicks games when Spike is unable to attend.

DD Once sold a dollar bill for $325.00 at auction.

DD owns a majority share of the word awesome. Whenever someone uses it commercially he gets paid.

Newton’s often overlooked 4th Law of Motion is that DD cannot fight Chuck Norris because their opposing forces would splinter time itself.

DD is a lover not a fighter, but sometimes he loves to fight.

Last night DD made a cameo in your dreams.

DD spends hours at a time trying to make sense of The Twilight Series. He came close once.

Barack Obama did his best DD impersonation during the presidential campaign. That is how he won.

DD’s humor is so dry he secretes a Chardonnay that sells for 85 dollars a bottle.

Women who stand too close to DD will get a killer tan in about 15 minutes.

DD snuck into your house and moved your keys last week. He is still laughing about that one.

DD doesn’t believe in vampires and werewolves. He eliminated the last of them years ago.

*Note: All DD facts are verified by a dedicated panel of fictional characters and should in no way be challenged or disputed.

Also, David Duchovny would like for you to watch his hit Showtime series Californication. Do it.



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