Feline Failure

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Feline mascots in professional sports are worse than the Madden curse. There, I said it. Everyone has been thinking it for years but no one has mustered up the courage to say it. Here, take a look at the track record. The Jacksonville Jaguars, the Detroit Lions, The Detroit Tigers, The Cincinnati Bengals, The Browns (okay so I don’t really know what a “Brown” is but they suck so I will just count them); all of them are crap and have been for years (Kevin, shut up. I know the Tigers are doing well but they have been bad for a really long time and I don’t want to let the truth get in the way of my point.) So I will take the time to suggest replacement names for them based on some random thought.

The Jacksonville Jaguars: how about the Jacksonville 5? Not a bad start.

The Detroit Lions: The Detroit Cam Shafts. The Pistons went with the car theme and its working for them.

The Detroit Tigers: The Detroit Treads. See above argument.

The Cincinnati Bengals: The Cincinnati Gargoyles. There is a vast lack of mythological creatures for mascots. That needs to change.

The Cleveland Browns: Good God, anything else would be better than the Browns. How about the Cleveland Milosevic or the Cleveland UN Peacekeepers? Really, anything would be an improvement.

There you have it. I expect to see changes made within the week.

I saw “The World Trade Center”

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How many times must we be reminded before our memories never forget those times in history where we can see with clarity the ability in man to be directly evil? I cannot understand the type of selfishness it takes to hate others because they are not you. Or what manor of men kill for the sake of death but there are certain things in life which I whole heartedly never wish to comprehend. Yet tragedy, such as September 11th, seems to spark the humanity back into the human race. It is as though we must see clearly the worse we have to offer in order to remember the greatness that we can achieve. Sadly it is only through the greatness that is spawned from tragedy that we can hope to stave off such offenses of degradation. How then can we aspire to greatness if greatness only is found when we hit our lowest point? Can we not as mere mortals set aside our selfish greed, even if it is but for a moment, to strive towards the world we so loftily dream of? It can be so. I must believe in that. I must believe that people can stop to ponder their neighbors and as one human race lift ourselves beyond the point of this type of learned hatred. I must cling to the hope that man, although capable of evil that renders one speechless, can choose to strive for the greatness that was exhibited on that day. I have to or otherwise my heart would be unable to stand it. So I do believe that if people saw their neighbors as themselves and strived to better the human condition, that peace would be possible. Watch the movie. Remember what it is that mankind can achieve. Settle for nothing less.

Unbeknownst to most voters, in the last presidential elections in the United States Jesus Christ lost in a landslide. Our Lord and Savior ran on the third party ballot and only won the electoral votes for Mississippi. When the Reverend Jessie Jackson was asked for a comment on this he was quoted as saying “Jesus was running for President and He lost. It’s no wonder that the African Americans of this country are so persecuted. I will go to Washington and fight for a recount on the behalf of the city of New Orleans.” Experts say that while the Son of God’s stances were neither Republican nor Democrat that an election would have been more likely if He had run under one of the major parties. During the campaign Christ wouldn’t engage in slander campaigns but rather insinuated that a day of judgment was coming for all those who have sinned. Voting poles showed that people considered The Lamb Of God as to hard line on his stances and people didn’t feel as though He had the clout to make a difference on Capital Hill. Jill Wheeler of Cleveland, Ohio said she “would have voted for him if he wasn’t so judgmental of (her) life choices.” During the campaign the major parties used beloved animated characters to dissuade people from voting for the Savior. People were encouraged to “throw away your vote” but beloved Simpson’s alien characters. “My mom always told me that God would love me no matter what I did.” Quipped James Franklin of a New York correctional institution “Jesus doesn’t seem anything like what my mom said and she went to church like four times a year.” The voters seem to resonate this as they said they needed a candidate who would form to what they wanted from their government representation. “He wouldn’t budge on any of the issues. It’s like (Christ) thought He was right on everything and whatever He said was law,” said White House source. “People won’t respond to that sort of thing. People want to feel like they are right.” Strom Thurman, when asked if a third party would every become president, stated “It would take a miracle.”

A little Something for You...

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It has come to my attention that I haven’t posted in this blog for a while. Well, umm, I don’t really have a ton of free time. Okay so I have neglected my .024 weekly readers on average for too long but take hope my one tenth of a quarter children. I am getting a new job that will in fact allow me the time to continue making you waste a good few minutes of your life that you will never get back. Speaking of jobs I decided to include this section as a precursor to the new job that I am getting.

Jobs that I would stab you for (yes, you personally):

Firstly would be Food Critic. You get to eat at the best places for free and the next day you get to bash the people who gave you free food because the moron running the kitchen burnt the crème Brule. He burnt the frigging crème Brule? This is what you get when you let a Germen Sheppard cook in your kitchens.

Next would be a Retired Actor (movies, not that Broadway, prancing about stuff). I don’t know if being retired actually counts as an occupation but they really do whatever they want and go to a lot of parties. I just want to specify that I don’t want to be like a Tim Robins type guy who prognosticates about things he has no idea about. I would rather be the charity, anti-Dixie Chicks, pro our troops type of star that is actually not a pain to listen to when he accepts an award.

I would rock as a Professional Singer/Songwriter. Now I can’t play any instruments and I can sing but I think the quality of my voice would be up for vast debate. I certainly don’t think that I am well suited to stand in front of large crowds either but I really want to hang out with Toby Keith and make fun of people who are stupid. Yeah, Toby Keith would be like my pal and he would write about fighting some guy and I jumped in then we totally won. Yeah, that’s what would happen.

I really want to be a Professional Football or Basketball Coach. I just want the seats to the games. Imagine it. Courtside seats to all the games and unlimited autographs from the players on your team. I would be the coach for the Timber Wolves and have Kevin Garnet autograph everything I own. You would walk into the house and the walls would be covered with Kevin’s autographs and he would be passed out on the floor with a Sharpe in his cramped hand. Oh yeah, and I would total steal game balls and jerseys and stuff. I would wear jerseys every day because I would have so many.

Santa Clause has it made. I would love to be the “Jolly Old Elf”. He has been eating only milk and cookies for like 300 years and nobody gives him any guff for his eating habits. I have ice cream more than once a week and suddenly I am going to die in my bed next week from complications from irregular heart palpitations. Yeah I would be like eating cookies flavored like steak and drinking chocolate shakes and I wouldn’t have to worry about getting fat because that would be part of my job. Girls everywhere would be like “You are looking so hot with that nice jolly stomach, Santa. Can I go for a ride with you in your sleigh?” Chicks totally dig sleighs.

A Professional Athlete would be a natural fit for me because I am so competitive that I time my showers to see if I can shave off a few seconds. Now some people think that being competitive is bad because you can’t enjoy the game for what it is. I say that sounds a lot like what a loser would say.

If I were to be a High School Janitor I think I would be very happy, because if you didn’t really do your job you could just blame it on “kids these days.” The principal would be all up in my grill like “Hey Walter, why isn’t there any tissue paper in the bathrooms?” then I would be all like “Kids keep stealing the papers to roll up their joints or something.” Then he would be all like “What’s going on with the library man. There is so much dust in there the librarian keeps having asthma attacks and wont go in there anymore.” Then I would totally slap the principal and be like “Worthless kids these days stole the vacuum cleaner and keep bringing in their dust from home trying to straight front on me, Yo! Something has got to done about them kids. You feel me?” That would truly be the life.

All of these jobs would be great. I would totally stab you for any off them. Actually come to think of it, I am just going to stab you next time I see you. It can’t hurt. Well, it can’t hurt me.



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