Captain This Guy!

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Say hello to our fearless… well mostly fearless… actually pretty much a puss hero Captain This Guy! With his virtually worthless Staff of Correction and impressive static electricity (his suit is made of corduroy) watch our early 1980s super hero battle for good against evil super villains the likes of which the world has seen repetitively.
See Captain This Guy face off in the Duel of Destiny against his archrival Woman of Ill-Repute! 

Witness him stand for justice against the Guy With Sinister Intentions in The Battle For Goodness.

Stare in confusion as our hero competes in a dance off with the much-feared Up To No Good Man!

From his secret rambler lair, hidden deep within the sprawling urban landscape, Captain This Guy launches his assault against evil, corruption and fashion sense.

With his sidekick/ sensitivity mentor Charles, Captain This Guys faces ordinary everyday challenges and with some luck, and moderate police intervention, overcomes them in the a timely fashion!

Captain This Guy is a role model citizen that is obligated to inform you about some previous discrepancies that led to his incitement.

Hooray for Captain This Guy!


Thanks Adam

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I have to say thanks to Adam for hipping me to this.



Garfield Minus Garfield


Sebastian

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I am crippled by the temporary loss of my manservant Sebastian. Sebastian was called away by the news of his ailing father and I am quite unsure of myself being capable of surviving without him.

Who will draw baths for me at 3:15? Who will lick the harder outer crust off of my popsicles for me? Who will clean between my toes with the care and tenderness of a mother sea lion?

Sebastian was more than just an indentured servant, he was a necessary tool for me to continue on in the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to. I am quite certain that without his speedy return that I will not survive this difficult period.

I have dispatched moneys to the doctors tending to Sebastian’s father that they might quickly heal the man or make the demise swift and painless. I care not which path they choose. I must have my Sebastian back. Its raw oyster day this Thursday and I cannot enjoy their succulent them without his assistance.


New Neighbor

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This man moved in next door last night. He moved everything in between 11:48 and 1:23 at night. His name is Professor McGigglegren. He was unable to produce a diploma for his said professorship. I am beginning to doubt the authenticity of his title. 
Among the items he moved in was a large cage used for housing witches during the dark ages. He had cut holes in the bottom and attached 17 bubble machines to the bottom of it so that the person in the cage would be inundated with bubbles. 
He also had a large cheese grater that had been covered with a thick rubber substance. I have no clue what this was used for. He mumbled something about needing a good back scratcher. Also mentioned his friends enjoyed coffee beans. I couldn't make it all out thought.
So far he has been a pretty poor neighbor. He played John Denver backwards for 15 minutes of every hour last night while screaming the words to Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven. He also smells like burnt cabbage that has been soaked in sweat from a monkeys feet. 
All and all I cannot say the transition was pleasant. We used to have an old lady who would bake us some pies and pinch my rosy cheeks in joy. We will miss you Misses Flufferbottom. Professor McGigglegren will not be filling your shoes. 



Faith makes you happy, say scientists
Those with religious beliefs are likely to be happier than atheists or agnostics.
Research suggests religion can act as an "insurance policy" against the adversities of life.
Regular churchgoers also appear to cope better with events such as divorce or unemployment and may even be happier.
The study, presented yesterday at the Royal Economic Society's annual conference-in Coventry, used data from across Europe to investigate the effect of being religious on life satisfaction, as well as attitudes towards government policies.
Although the idea of religious belief as a "fortress" was not new, "this issue of insurance has surprisingly received only limited attention", the report's authors said.
The study concluded that the "stress-buffering" effect varies according to the life event and religious denomination, but "churchgoing and prayer are also associated with greater satisfaction".
Authors Professor Andrew Clark and Dr Orsolya Lelkes also found strong faith led to different political attitudes. The religious were less supportive of unemployment benefits. Religion could even influence the evolution of social and economic institutions, they said.

I got the article here. 


Get Off My Back Hippies!

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Hey, I like to watch TV and have a big surround sound. I like playing my video games and leaving the fan on all night long. Yeah I drive a car to work when it is only just over a few miles there. It’s Minnesota. It gets really cold outside.
But all this time you are complaining about how big my carbon footprint is, there is a company out there who is way worse for the environment.

You want to know what Sherwin Williams wants to do with your precious world?
Soak on this!

Now that cannot be good for the environment. 


Best Crest Ever

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So tell me how exactly is this crest not of a caribou and a narwal humping an orb? Then you put an igloo crown on the orb and a real crown on the igloo and call it good? 

Yeah, nice bowl of fire and stacked rocks you got there. And what is with the gigantic berries that are growing under the caribou. Also why to you have to draw the form of genitalia on the caribou?

I am so adopting this crest as my family's.



I so wish that this was some sort of a joke but here we go. Its time to copy something else that Kevin has on his blog.

If you are going to read this article get prepared to be completely disturbed.

A first-of-its-kind federal study showing 26 percent of American female teens have at least one sexually transmitted disease brought mixed reaction from health care professionals Tuesday, with some saying the findings were disturbing - but not necessarily surprising.

26% is not necessarily surprising. That seems like a pretty cold response to such a high number. I wonder what the effects of the STDs are.

Because some sexually transmitted infections can cause infertility and cancer, U.S. health officials called for better screening, vaccination and prevention.

Infertility. Okay that would be pretty hard. Lets see, infertility and cancer. Okay that isn’t, wait a minute did I just read cancer? Why isn’t this a bigger story?

Some doctors said the numbers might reflect the downside of both abstinence-only sex education and teens' own sense of invulnerability.

So how exactly is avoiding the cause part of the problem? If you don't participate you won't become infected. Why is that not a viable solution to doctors?

Only about half of the teens in the study acknowledged having sex. Some teens define sex as only intercourse, yet other types of intimate behavior including oral sex can spread some diseases.

Education is clearly the problem.

Alina Salganicoff, vice president for women's health policy at the Kaiser Family Foundation in Menlo Park said, "Clearly, this is a really important part of adolescent health that we need to be paying attention to."

How did you get to be vice president?  Does making obvious statements set a person apart as VP material. In that case, making money is important for any business. Hello promotion!

"The statistics are certainly disheartening," said Dr. Dorothy Furgerson, medical director at Planned Parenthood Mar Monte, which serves Santa Clara, Santa Cruz, Monterey and San Benito counties. "But I'd have to say, unfortunately, it's not surprising to me. That is what we see."

Why haven’t you been talking about it more then? If that is what you have been seeing then why did you wait for a study to come forward?

Abstinence-only programs have come under fire by some doctors and health advocacy groups for failing to teach teens how to protect themselves from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases should they ever decide to become sexually active.

Instilling morals is never the solution, scientifically speaking.

I would go further into the article but it was really depressing. Read further at your own risk.

http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_8542707?source=most_emailed


A Different Side of Me

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Life is sublimely imperfect, characteristically flawed by the nature of it’s own composition. It is not in the perfection of our traits that our true strength is shown but rather in the malfeasance of our own delusions, for it is the dreamers who see the obstacles as idols that must be sought after and the resolute who stand by traditions without thought of the potential. Dreamers are the only ones who look even beyond the capabilities of man to the need for something outside the realms of achievement.

The strong prevail while the diluted pursue. The wise build up strongholds while the seeker pushes away from the mundane constitutions of civilization in hopes of uncovering a dream that is worth such a vast cost.

The powerful uphold the world while the unsettled seek for the unattainable next step that will propel humanity beyond its own limits and into the dreams they cast aside as foolish.

Will you not dream then, of flight and exploration? Will your heart not seek to forget its cold, calculated and callused existence and seek the bitter tear of the unknown?

Dreamers awake from your darkened slumber to find yourselves capable. Forsake the warmth of familiarity and comfort. Find the strength that has thrust us through the centuries and find now the perversions that you so long held as rubbish to be the backbone by which greatness stands.

Trust the wisdom that has been passed down from the last. Let that be the foundation that your sustain yourself on. Yet settle not. Let not the slow transgressions of comfort rule your composition. Be born in the fire of curiosity and bathed in the flames of discontent. Be strong and resolute but tireless and unquenchable.

For in this manor may all things be brought to their own end. Not through the slow decay of time but in the vast appreciation for the unforeseeable mechanics of humanity. Meet yourself on the field of battle and be not afraid of the end. It will come as the slow and steady march of the season with little thought to what aids another.

Yet do not forsake wisdom for such is the course of fools. That which has traversed the passages of time and stood unyielding against the barrage of the ages will yet serve another well. For by its path is certainty guaranteed. For what is man without breath but homage to the dust from which he came?

We are all passengers on this boat at sea and foul weather seeks to find us out. So set yourself against the storm of resistance, feet planted firmly on the planks of wisdom with a stiff lean into the winds of change that when time is found an end you might be one who has achieved beyond their portion.

Consider me not as one of the fools.


With Friends Like These...

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YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW AWESOME MY FRIENDS ARE? DO YOU, DO YOU!
BOOM!!
Peter is the physical embodiment of the Big Buck Hunter Pro. He is so much the Big Buck Hunter Pro that during the creation of the game they invited Peter out to their cabin in the wood to watch him and try to capture his awesomeness. 
The cabin exploded in a rampage of deer carcasses and sputtering obscenities. When they left they not only made Big Buck Hunter but they also made Gears-of-War based on his dream sequence about hunting alien invaders. 
You can see the clear resemblance in the way hate and death fails from his being. Peter later went on to kill the last Samurai and eat one of every animal on the endangered species list. He said it made him a better husband, but I just think he was hungry, hungry for blood.
How do you like your book club now?



Lets finish this thing off. 50 - 1.

50.) Everyone smokes. You smoke. You just aren’t aware that you do and just how cool it makes you look.
49.) Harrison Ford should never be allowed to operate any motorized form of transportation. He will either crash it, smash it into bad guys and their vehicles or let the piece of machinery slip into complete disarray.
48.) Mel Brooks is funny. He is funnier, by far, than salad.
47.) It is possible to be completely creepy and utterly cool at the same amount of time. See Christopher Walken.
46.) Despite what you think, guns are not reloadable. When your gun runs out of bullets you will need to throw it away and get a new one.
45.) If you are ever going to eat another humans liver, try it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
44.) All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Dull means crazy incase you didn’t catch that.
43.) Don’t ever swim in the ocean or any bay arena or water that is open to the sea. There are sharks in there. Also don’t swim in pools because there might be a hidden door that will let sharks into the pool. It’s better to just never swim.
42.) If you kill Santa Claus and wear his clothing you will get fat and hairy.
41.) Painting a fence and waxing a car will make you a yellow belt ninja. No one will be able to touch you.
40.) During the 80s everything was made of clay.
39.) The best lawyer assistants are the ones who are sassy, boarding on arrogant and have large breasts.
38.) We have the technology to switch faces but Weird Al Yankovic is sticking with the one his momma gave him.
37.) The killer from Friday the 13th will never stay dead. You cannot beat him so just let him kill you and lets get on with it. Also Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street is the basically in the same boat.
36.) There will always be another Star Trek Movie. Just wait a couple more years and they will make another one.
35.) A child that has been left alone in his house or a large city without his parents will undoubtedly take out a pair of seasoned criminals.
34.) Sylvester Stallone is romantic. He is romantic right in your face.
33.) Dinosaurs are dangerous. We should not try to clone any. That would be stupid. Very, very, very Stupid.
32.) When babies disappear they aren’t abducted; they go to a fair away place to battle a moronic pirate who is afraid of crocodiles.
31.) Anyone woman who witnesses a tragic event, such as her family getting killed in front of her, will automatically develop loose morals and begin many sexual relationships.
30.) The government and large corporations all hate the environment, no exclusions.
29.) Barb Wire got funding. Hollywood will make almost any script that they see. All you have to do is give them any reason to make it, any reason at all.
28.) If you are an underdog who is way over matched but you got a lot of heart you can beat basically anything including a Sherman tank in a fistfight.
27.) In both movies and war, more people die the higher the budget is.
26.) For some reason in the 60s and 70s people would spontaneously burst into big band songs during daily life. Oddly enough everyone knew the words to the songs.
25.) Morgan Freeman is the most patient individual of all time.
24.) Somewhere in a forest in England there are a bunch of men running around in green tights stealing from corrupt wealthy people.
23.) In the future robots will look like people and we will hate them for a variety of reasons. We will also make clones and hate them as well.
22.) People who break the law are awesome!
21.) The aliens have moved into the deepest part of the ocean.
20.) Clint Eastwood will eventually shoot everyone with a pistol.
19.) Snakes do not fly well.
18.) There is someone somewhere right now who is stealing your identity or hacking into a government website.
17.) At a certain age all old people become crazy to a certain extent. It’s okay though, they enjoy life more then.
16.) Ghost’s don’t like it when your house is over their burial site, you marry their spouse or you don’t acknowledge them.
15.) If at first you barely succeed try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try again.
14.) God wants the band to get back together.
13.) If your kid gets a Red Ryder BB gun then he will shoot his eye out.
12.) If you build it… the weirdest possible thing will happen.
11.) Kevin Costner has no emotions.
10.) All buildings spend copious amounts of money on oversized ventilation shafts. These are perfect for both hiding and a means of transportation within the building.
9.) The only way two police partners are going to be effective is if they in no way like each other and are complete opposites or at the very least completely opposite in their personalities.
8.) In order to travel in a straight line in a car, it is imperative to pull the steering wheel from side to side in two second increments.
7.) If you have on your person or on a dashboard a picture of a loved one during war, your going to die.
6.) There are many dials, knobs and gauges on a plane. You only need 3 of these to land. The rest are for show.
5.) If you want to know if someone is evil let either your dog or your child near them. The dog will bark and the child will just know.
4.) Knives, chainsaws and other various tools of defense will be strewn about your path when a murderer is chasing you.
3.) A trained marshal arts professional such as Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee can take on in excess of 650 lesser martial artists at a given time. The other guys can even have weapons such as spears, swords and small missile launchers.
2.) A tough man can be beat about the face with a metal pipe but will cry, whine and swear when a beautiful woman touches a wound with a damp cloth.
1.) The police will never find who killed your mom, dad, sister, dog, cat, brother, child, grandmother, cousin, roommate or canary. It is up to you to find justice.


Email

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You want to know how amazing email is? My email knew that I wasn’t using my time-share. Well actually my email more asked me a question than anything but to be honest it knew. It said “Not Using Your Time-Share” and guess what, it was right!

I have never been to my time-share. In fact, I wasn’t even aware that I had one. I am not even sure what a time-share is. I am guessing it is government issued or something but it appears that my time-share is worth considerable amounts of money!

Now as to what a time-share is, your guess is probably not as good as mine. So I will take a random stab at it and I suggest you accept whatever I say as fact.

A time-share is a government program that allows people across life-styles to sell their extra time in a given day to other people. It is a cap and trade system. Whatever I am not using for time I can sell off to other people that are struggling with their current hours per day allotment.

You cannot begin to imagine how much money some people will pay per hour for a couple extra hours a day. I have no idea but let me throw out a couple of numbers that are very large. $1,000, 2,000 and even 3,500 per hour is paid if you are selling your time to either lawyers or professional athletes.

Now granted that this sort of extra-hour luxury is reserved for the richest of the rich and politicians, the average poor person can move up a couple of classes in a very short amount of time.

Take me for instance. I am a lower middle class individual. By selling off just 1 hour of every day I will be making 28 to 30 thousand extra dollars a month and I owe it all to my email! I know somebody that is getting an upgrade!

So in conclusion, you really should start paying more attention to your email. Carefully look over your junk mail box. There are a plethora of incredible money making opportunities your filters are accidentally discarding. And remember, if you are financially challenged, it because you aren’t partaking of Internet get rich quick potential.


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