The possibility of a civil war in Iraq seems now all but eminent, as the Shiites have retaliated after an attack on the al-Askari shrine in the city of Samarra. 29 Sunni mosques have been attacked in retaliation for the damaging of the golden dome of one of the country's holiest Shiite sites. Tensions have rising to a near boiling point since, well, as long as anyone can remember. Mr Talabani, head of the influential Kurdish Coalition said, “ the unity of Iraq is under attack”, which he later commented, “I am a poet and didn’t know it!” This latest war would continue the tradition of religious wars in the Middle East dating back to the beginning of the world. One Middle Eastern man was quoted as saying “ I am not sure why I hate the Shiites anymore but I hope they get what’s coming to them. And that is war and probably death. Sure I might die and everyone I love and my children, but they hate everyone anyways. We raised them that way. Although no Sunni extremist have claimed responsibility for the attacks in Samarra the Shiites took the chance to destroy as many of the Sunni as they could. When asked about the potential war brewing President Bush was quoted as saying, “You just can’t do anything nice for anyone anymore. We go to all the effort to free them from the oppression of an evil dictator and they go and try to oppress each other with bombs. That really sucks. I am totally going to get blamed for this.” So far only ABC has blamed the President for not creating religious tolerance in the region. No other major broadcasting organization really wants to get involved for fear of pissing these religious groups off.

U.N. Demands Someone Listen

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The United Nations has demanded that the U.S. release the entire group of inmates at its anti- terrorism prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The Bush administration at first dismissed the idea assuming that the U.N. was just joking only to later realize that they backed their own summery stating that holding terrorists responsible for murder and mass destruction “amounts to arbitrary detention” per the United Nation's report. Five U.N. investigators have spent the past few months interviewing previous detainees who stated that “the conditions were not sanitary as there was no abundance of sand, the bathing was excessively abundant and bathrooms seemed to function with uncanny precision.” UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan said while he didn't agree with everything in the study, “The United States should close down the base because it makes the entire U.N. look really rather pointless.” Although many inmates at Guantanamo Bay have as of yet to be charged they are considered to be very dangerous because they kill people. When offered the chance to visit the base the U.N. investigators declined as it had no direct bearing on their report. “Unfortunately it appears that the Americans have a somewhat different view as to what constitutes torture," senior British judge Justice Andrew Collins told the High Court in London. The U.S.'s stance "doesn't appear to coincide with most civilized nations, who would just let them go to kill again.” He said. In direct response the Bush administration has announced in a new initiative, “Take Home a Terrorist”, that any person at Guantanamo Bay’s facility would receive a limited terms release as long as a U.N. employee was to house them for two years. As of yet no prisoners have been released under that initiative.

Along the already massive overstock of flags in the Islamic nations a small Pakistan family business has flourished with a large quantity of Danish flags. “Everyone thought they were crazy but they kept saying that sooner or later the Danes were going to piss us off and then the flags would be a gold mine. I mean come on. Everyone pisses us off eventually.” said Fawzia Wahab a member of parliament from the opposition Pakistan People’s party. They family has imported a larger number of flags to keep up with the overwhelming demand from local protestors and also stocked up on flags from North Korea and The Czeck Republic sighting that it has been a long time since Islam has had a good feud with either country. U.S. officials are dropping in much needed relief supplies such as lighters and gasoline hoping that if fueled, the flames of hatred toward the Dutch will cloud over the massive military presence. “This is the best thing that has happened to us since we found Saddam hiding in that hole” said Vice President Dick Cheney who has been parading around for the past two days as an anti-gun activist. “Anything that makes me… um I mean the U.S. less noticeable in the news is a good thing. No matter what the government does, even if it is an accident, the media hops all over it claiming some sort of conspiracy. Finally there is something going on in the world where Americans can laugh and say hey we didn’t do this one.” The official government stance is that due to the freedom brought about by the destruction of the former régime private enterprise and democracy are starting to take root. This democracy has budded the way all democracy buds: the pure hatred of others.

With the Olympic hockey about to begin all time leading NHL hockey legend Wayne Gretzky has, as of yet, to be asked any questions about hockey. That of course is of know surprise. As the old saying goes “those who can’t anymore work for Fox Sports as an analyst” and I doubt anyone questions that Gretzky still can. His insights to hockey are limited to on ice strategy, scoring, defending, line changing, puck handling, shooting, the rules, team work, talent, drive, winning, being a champion, coaching, being the captain of a championship team, and losing which remain completely irrelevant to reporting on the game of hockey. Despite having “The Great One” for their coach, the Canadian Olympic Hockey team is a favorite to bring home the gold. Although reporters haven’t asked Gretzky about hockey and he hasn’t really answered any questions as of yet Gretzky finds himself amidst a controversial investigation involving his wife, his assistant coach, and the vice president’s hunting gun. He has been barraged with questions about gambling and math equations that would make most bookies faint from excitement. Wayne Gretzky made a single plea to cease with the questions that made him feel inadequate in math saying, “I will answer any questions you have about hockey!” This of course brought a huge laugh from the media who know more about hockey than there is to know.

Angry Haitian Voters Protest Democracy

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In yet another stunning turn of events the Haiti elections have erupted in what one local community leader summarized as “people in the streets.” After the ex-president, Rene Preval, failed to get the needed votes, angry citizens, who “really, really wanted him to win”, showed their disgust with the results by marching and chanting “Preval is President despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary!” Allegations of suggested voter tampering surfaced as soon as Preval supporters realized that there was no other way he could win. This all coming a meager two years after Jean-Bertrand Aristide was ousted in a bloody revolt where nearly two Kleenex were soiled in order to stop Aristide’s bloody nose. Preval was not available for comments but people within his camp claim he is in high hopes and believes that if enough people die in the rioting he has a good chance to win in the likelihood of a new election. So far the body count is at one but there is some speculation by major news networks that the body count could reach into the teens by next week, which would alter the election points by up to twelve percent. The U.N. presence in Haiti has as of yet done nothing in direct response to stop the rioting as U.N. Director in Charge in Haiti stated, “Those guys are nuts and we don’t want to get some of our guys killed.” Currently the 9,000 U.N. workers in Haiti are staying at the Holiday Inn and are throwing a week long "Beach Party for Peace" in hopes that if enough of the women U.N. workers are in bikinis that the rioters will “just stop and sway to the rhythm of that funky beat” says U.N. ambassador in charge of riot control, Tyra Banks. Tim Robins and soul mate Susan Sarandon are set to arrive on Saturday to hold a bongo drum vigil in hopes of staving off future bloodshed. Robins was quoted as saying “They need to have a government in place that creates peace in the hearts of the people.” He had no response when asked if he would donate his own money to help the poverty stricken nation.


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It’s that mystical time of the year when people who don’t know us, unless we catch all 504 continuous hours of Olympic coverage, call us communist. Where we are again reminded of our kindred love for our country and the beatings we lay out on the malnourished third world county’s athletes. Seriously though I looked over the line up of games to be played and we are going to get our ocular “taste buds” flavored by a barrage of “sports” we would never watched of our own free will. People sweeping ice and couples dressed up like gay clowns throwing each other around a hockey rink. Here is the real kicker though; they put real sports in the middle of the crappy ones. There is the most popular and obviously the predominant game; hockey, but there are also such popular ones such as the skeleton where people attempt death by sled going headfirst. This game was invented by the luge team who decided that they weren’t pushing the sanity envelope far enough. Then you get to watch people strap two boards to their feet and jump the length of a football field and nearly 300 feet into the air. These are the ones who never understood the concept of gravity. Of course the most notable part of the whole Olympics is the opening ceremony where for seven hours they parade out each of the different countries to have them wave at the idiots who didn’t figure out they could watch it from their hotel rooms. Then they have people dressed up usually as mutant radishes to symbolize the spirit of kicking people while they are down. I have found out through investigative reporting (speculating) that this year there will be Polar Bear Greco-Roman wrestling where two old men in Speedos jump into the shallow part of a frozen lake and squirm around while grabbing at each other. The Olympic Committee hopes that this will lead to the historical celebration of vomiting. I… Oh no… I am going to vomit. USA! USA! US(barf) when did I eat an entire bottle of petroleum jelly?


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Okay so as is tradition this time of the year for anyone who writes on anything here is my SUPER BOWL ADDITION. I know that you have a tendency to grab a Sports Illustrated and read up on the teams that are in the game but I can assure you that has little to do with who will win. Okay so that sounded a lot like your local conspiracy theorist and I am certainly not a conspiracy so you got to ask yourself: What’s the deally yo? Well if you pick up any magazine, lets say for arguments sake a Victoria’s Secret lingerie magazine, you find yourself reading something to the extent of how Matt Hasselback is in fact an African-American man with an afro and a vertical of 17 feet and that makes them the favorite by far. Or perhaps you, much like me, have been absorbing the countless hours of Sports Center and NFL Tonight that ESPN has been spewing at you since the NFC and AFC Championship games nearly two weeks ago. They assure you that with Jerome Bettis’ team leadership and death threats he has inspired the Steelers to play unbeatable football in the post season. That coupled with the “talent” (take that as what you will) of rookie sensation Big Ben Roelesbur… Roelsesber.. Big Ben; the Steelers have already received the trophy and their rings. I know what you are thinking. Big Ben isn’t a rookie this year. It’s his sophomore season but lets not lose perspective. ESPN knows a lot more about football than anyone in lingerie. So I have included a couple of techniques that are pretty much the only chance the Seahawks have.

Tip #1:
Stop The Bus. I don’t mean they need to hold Jerome Bettis to 20 yards or less I mean they need to damage the bus that brings the Steelers from their hotel to the game. If they don’t show up I think the Seahawks could have a chance to beat the Steelers fans who play in their steed.

Tip #2:
Force turnovers:
Gather up all the room keys for the Steelers players the night before and make them sleep in the halls. If the Seahawks could get the game equipment of the Steelers players to that would also help.

Tip #3:
Don’t let the Steelers fans get into the game.
Don’t let the Steelers fans into the game. Get all your fans there early and lock the doors. I don’t think this is going to give you the game but it will definitely help your concentration!

Tip #4:
Maintain possession of the ball.
Never at any point during the game let anyone, a ref, a Steelers player, a fan even your own (could be someone posing as your fan to throw you off). These are all potential times where the Seahawks could be beat and they will have to never let those times occur.

Tip #5:
No here at TWH we don’t encourage cheating but without a little help from the guys in the black and white I just don’t see the Seahawks winning.

Tip #6:
Animal Sacrifices.
The Seahawks are going to have to sacrifice their bodies periodically to keep the Steelers off the field. I recommend putting in a third stringer to fake an injury to give the Seahawks a rest.

Tip #7: (the last one)
Plant drugs at the Steelers hotel.
If “someone” put drugs in the Steelers players’ hotel rooms and implicate them in an international drug cartel the Seahawks may be able to divert the Steelers attention momentarily and get a much needed edge.

Now if this plan is to be effective all 7 points must be played out to the fullest. Otherwise I just don’t know how the Seahawks win and I am the most unbiased Pittsburg native out there. What?! I AM!

* The Seahawks have asked me to request my readers post additional helpful hints on this site. They seem somewhat reluctant to put faith in their players and game plan.



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