It’s that mystical time of the year when people who don’t know us, unless we catch all 504 continuous hours of Olympic coverage, call us communist. Where we are again reminded of our kindred love for our country and the beatings we lay out on the malnourished third world county’s athletes. Seriously though I looked over the line up of games to be played and we are going to get our ocular “taste buds” flavored by a barrage of “sports” we would never watched of our own free will. People sweeping ice and couples dressed up like gay clowns throwing each other around a hockey rink. Here is the real kicker though; they put real sports in the middle of the crappy ones. There is the most popular and obviously the predominant game; hockey, but there are also such popular ones such as the skeleton where people attempt death by sled going headfirst. This game was invented by the luge team who decided that they weren’t pushing the sanity envelope far enough. Then you get to watch people strap two boards to their feet and jump the length of a football field and nearly 300 feet into the air. These are the ones who never understood the concept of gravity. Of course the most notable part of the whole Olympics is the opening ceremony where for seven hours they parade out each of the different countries to have them wave at the idiots who didn’t figure out they could watch it from their hotel rooms. Then they have people dressed up usually as mutant radishes to symbolize the spirit of kicking people while they are down. I have found out through investigative reporting (speculating) that this year there will be Polar Bear Greco-Roman wrestling where two old men in Speedos jump into the shallow part of a frozen lake and squirm around while grabbing at each other. The Olympic Committee hopes that this will lead to the historical celebration of vomiting. I… Oh no… I am going to vomit. USA! USA! US(barf) when did I eat an entire bottle of petroleum jelly?