Non-bear Related Issues.

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Okay so just to clarify, I am not turning my blog into a bear blog despite 3 consecutive bear related stories (there is a joke there if you know the lingo). I know that some of you were worried but you can rest at ease. I will however still periodically keep you posted on bear related issues.

On to more important things. Well, more important for me and slightly above napping for you. I am getting married. It has been exciting but also a ton of stress.

Her name is Gina, and yes she has a very poor decision making paradigm. Just kidding. She is as lucky as a 10-foot long horse in a 8-foot race. I tell her repeatedly so she doesn’t forget.

We, being young Americans, decided to start our marriage off fresh and with no ties to our old life. My old car… got rid of it. Had nothing to do with the fact that the engine crapped out a couple of weeks ago. All of our money… traded it for new debt. We have this marriage thing down already.

So, not this upcoming weekend, but next weekend is my bachelor party and the following weekend is my wedding. Then it is off to Alaska for two weeks of worrying about work and wishing that Gina would just go to sleep and I could tend to my work like I want to.

The wedding is a sunset wedding on an island in the middle of the city. Beautiful, scenic and the people who own the place know it. I will blog more about it later but people who take advantage of people getting married are pretty freaking close to lawyers on the waste of oxygen scale.

Also, The American Black Bear usually ranges in length from 59 to 72 inches and typically stands about 31 to 37 inches at the shoulder. Females weigh between 90 and 400 pounds; males weigh between 250 and 600 pounds. Adult black bears seldom exceed 660 pounds but exceptionally large males have been recorded from the wild at up to 95 inches long and at least 800 pounds. Cubs usually weigh between 7 ounces and 1 pound at birth.

Man I need help.


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If a person goes on-line into a portal, referred to as the Internet, they can find what is called a website. Apparently this blog is one such “site”. But I don’t want to talk about my website today. Today I would like to talk with you about the build-a-bear site.

I know what you are going to say. “But Ted, how can a bear dressed up in tiny women’s lingerie be even remotely enjoyable.” Well, unless you are a very sick individual or a woman, it cannot. That is why I am proposing a few updates to the sight to increase profit and drive website optimization.

Firstly, the bears need to be robotic. If I want a black bear that can be my servant/mechanic and also teach me Russian, I would think this should be a service they would offer. How many people would by a mechanic bear, you might ask? How many people own cars? Okay well 15 more than that.

Also there should be some weaponry accessories. Right now you can pick from shoes and hats and all other kinds of unnecessary items. What I want is the dilemma of wither or not to pick the shoulder mounted rocket launcher or the backpack missile launch platform.

And instead of clothing how about some body armor. Get a nice Kevlar vest to help the bears against enemy fire. Perhaps even a hat with a two-way communicator so they could call back to base for further orders.

Lastly, I think they should be sold in Platoons or at the very least companies. Unless you get an assassin bear, in which case one to two should be enough.

Naturally these bears would be for entertainment purposes only, but if the guy up north can have an AK-47 just to say he owns one, why shouldn’t I be able to have a small bear army?

Man Vs. Bear

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Against all warnings I have decided to take on a Grizzly Bear this weekend. Just to increase the intensity of the show I will also take on three hives of bees at the same time. The attraction will take place at the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN.

To sweeten the deal all the girls I work with will fight for the right to drag my maimed corpse out of the ring. Wait, what? I am not going to get maimed. I am going to win.

I have been training for 3 weeks, twice a week for 10 minutes a day against brown bears. Now, I understand that brown bears are not grizzly bears but I can handle two brown bears pretty easily.

As for the bees, I highly doubt I am allergic despite having no proof to the contrary. And besides those bees are freaking small. I could kill like 20 of them with just clapping my hands together. And how many bees can there be in the average hive.

Hundreds? Yeah right. What are you, a beekeeper? That number came out pretty fast. I think you are just making this whole thing up.

Okay so come down to the target center this Saturday night or tune in on pay-per-view. If you don’t want to see me fight with the bear, remember the ladies I work with will be wrestling… I work with some hot gals, so tune in.


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Now you are attracted to Micheal Flatley.

You will not be able to drive his sculpted abs from you mind. His rhythmic hip gyrations will lull you into a complete state of willingness.

Ok, so could just turn everybody into huge "Micheal Flatley Lust Machines". Oh well its too late.

Office Chair.

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I came into work this morning and my office chair was lying on its side, totally drunk. Apparently one of my co-workers was giving a bottle of scotch and my chair totally has a thing for good scotch. It must have wheeled itself over there in the middle of the night and nabbed it.

Now my co-worker expects me to replace the bottle. I have no intention of paying for anything, because the chair is company property and I think they should pay for it. I submitted a request to the proper authorities but even if they deny it, I am not paying for any scotch.

To make matters worse one of my coworker’s chairs was in the cube as well. I think they spent the night together. Now there is this awkward tension between my coworker and me. Office romances only bring about drama. My chair had to go and get a chair drunk and spend the night with it. The other chair also happened to be a minor.

So I am not sure yet what action the firm is going to take against my chair or if it will be arrested for intoxicating and taking advantage of an under aged chair. Things just aren’t looking good in my cube right now.

I am going to spend the afternoon looking for a new chair. I am not comfortable working with this one any longer. I am guessing this is a result of my chairs parents getting a divorce.

Mottos for Your Local Tavern

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You have been attending your local tavern for a while now and it’s about time they had a catch phrase that explains what your bar is about. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
We will call your bar McGees.

“McGees: Where young women go to become single mothers!”
“McGees: Hate one night stands? Come to our place and enjoy 9 months off the scene.”
“McGees: No shoes, no shirt… you had better be a hot woman.”
“McGees: Sexists comments are strictly prohibited, along with feminists.”
“McGees: Leave you inhibitions at home with your pride.”
“McGees: An answer at the bottom of every bottle.”
“McGees: When life gives you water, malt, hops and yeast make…”
“McGees: All of our chiefs are bored certified.”
“McGees: It’s dark enough in here to make you look pretty.”
“McGees: Don’t worry, your spouse ain’t in here.”
“McGees: You don’t have to be pretty to buy a gal a drink.”

What would yours be?

The Santa Claus Story

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Okay so I have been spending some time thinking about the whole Santa Claus/Christmas story that we have been told since we were like 5 and I think I have a couple of issues with it before I am willing to really believe in Christmas.

First of all if the Old Saint Nick is going to get all those presents made he is going to need a workforce of like 35 million elves, or dwarfs or what-ever-the-piss those people want to be called now-a-days. If he had a workforce of that size, there is no way that they wouldn’t be Unionized. Then how could Santa afford to give all those workers health benefits while still giving away all those toys?

Also, since we are on the topic of giving away toys, have you ever heard of such a sexist, racist, classist(based on social classes) in you entire life? He gives little polished pieces of glass called marbles to poor kids and freaking cars to rich kids. There is no way this dude wouldn’t have the largest class-action lawsuit on his hands.

Lastly, and the hardest bit to swallow is the whole raw materials thing. Where is he getting the materials to make the toys/cars depending on the wealth or you parents? Maybe that is why Africa has had such a hard time industrializing. Santa is taking all of their raw materials. Okay so that part kinda makes sense.

On a related note who is Santa’s PR person. This guy has so many face changes that even Michael Jackson seems like an occasional visitor to the plastic surgery office. Did you see the one picture where he is black! Wow what a job.

Those three points are the only points that don’t make sense. I have checked it out and other then these issues the story is air tight. So if anyone can explain to me those items I will have no choice but to believe in Santa Clause.

An open letter to my publicist

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Um, well you see, that is my point. I have no idea who you are so how am I supposed to send you things that I wish to have published. I am sitting on like twenty or so partially written books that you should be hounding me to finish and telling me that they will change the world or something. But instead of making us both rich beyond our respective nephew’s wildest dreams, here were are both working and not even realizing that the other exists.

Now as the creative and insanely talented one of the pair, I blame the sluggishness of my career on you and your inability to find me, as of yet. What are you doing over there? Editing some Angela Lansbury wanna be when you could be pimping my talents to the world via the printed word?

Do you see my freaking frustration here? I am over here working my tail off and you are not even bothering to open a discourse with me and pursue what is in my best interest and in your best financial interest. I swear, if you don’t get your act together I am going to have to find new representation.

Okay, I didn’t mean that. You have always been great. But seriously, call me.

His Awesomeness
The Computer


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I have spent a majority of the day starring at my computer screen, wondering what would be the best way to blow $35,000 if I actually had it. The major problem is that I am so pragmatic I always want to pay off all my debt with the imaginary cash. I am never creative enough.

So today I set upon finding a way to spend the money on complete nonsense.

The list follows:

- Buy 35 $1000 cars
- Buy an entire section of a stadium for a major sporting event so I don’t have to sit next to people who sweat at the mere mention of a crowd.
- Fly over to Africa, first class, and give a motivational speech to the continent in a language I make up on the way over. Then buy up all of their national treasures and tell them I will give them back when they shape up.
- Adopt two children. Name one Richie Rich and the other Ihate Mybrother.
- Urinate in public… repeatedly.
- Buy Antarctica, the whole continent. $35,000 ought to be enough.
- Move to Sweden and commute to work everyday.
- Buy the women I work with shirts that cover their breasts. One for each day of the week.
- Eat Capt’n Crunch and have the subsequent dental work done.
- Find Tom Cruise and slap some sense into him. (the money would be used to cover the year I would have to take off of work to slap sense into him)
- Go to war with Cuba.
- Eat a Fogo de Choa for a month straight and then have liposuction.
- Buy a rhino and take it for walks on a lease.
- Get the best season tickets to every major sporting event and send homeless people. The rich people would hate it. It would be awesome.
- Pay for another Waynes Brothers’ movie.
- Buy up the world’s supply of Tabasco sauce and parade it past Mexican Restaurants.
- Go on a date with Christiana Aguilera and then dump her when she asks how much money I have.
- Spend it all on Pogo sticks and donate them to a hospital’s children’s ward.
- Go to the Oscars and boo repeatedly.

What would you blow $35,000 on?

Reparations: The Call

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As Roger pointed out in my previous post, I have no idea how much money is out there simply waiting for me to rightfully grasp it. Let me put this in terms you can readily understand. Someone out there owes me money and it is probably the government.

Now I know that based the actions of people who share my skin color and gender, but are in no way related to me or acted in any way I condone, you would think I owe more money. I am a white male about the age of twenty-five. But if you think about it, I have plenty of handicaps that I feel merit disability status.

I have a gigantic melanin deficiency. I burn almost instantly when out under the sun. Shouldn’t there be some sort of a government compensation for the long sleeve shirts and subsequent bottles of water I need to buy and use? Or the other route, where I smother myself in an anti-UV lotion, also known as sun tan lotion. Shouldn’t the government cover the costs of the lotion that I have to by as a result of my birth?

I cannot dance. This has lead to many hardships in my life. Most notably finding a woman. See, women like men who can dance and because I cannot shouldn’t the government offer me some sort of money to help me achieve what naturally inclined people readily achieve. I could use the money to buy a fancy car and take women out to expensive restaurants to help them forget about the dances I am unable to perform.

Lastly, I have natural inhibitors to my own athletic goals. My genes make it hard for me to jump, run, swim, hit or throw as well as many other people. Shouldn’t the government pay for me to have the best equipment so I am able to compete on a level playing field with people who are more naturally gifted than myself?

I am not joking here, I demand reparations for the years of suffering my people have undergone at the hands of less-sun afflicted, beat-gyration inclined and super athletic individuals. Roger, if you want to spearhead my efforts for reparations I would much appreciate it. I am afflicted and need help, nay, I demand help.

Under the Linoleum

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I had the linoleum in my bathroom removed yesterday with the intent of replacing it with new and much shinier linoleum. I had all the fixtures removed and the old linoleum lay bare before me.

So I hired my buddy to come in and remove the filthy piece of crap because I had no intention of getting my freshly manicured hands all dirty from the thing. So John Brenne hopes in there and pulls back the plastic flooring to reveal a blood diamond mine.

At first I was somewhat taken back at the revolting working conditions and mass murdering that was taken place, but then I took a moment to think about it. I was faced with one of two options. Either, destroy the mine and end the corruption once and for all or… I could take over control of the mine and increase the living conditions, wages and benefits of the mine employees. Or I suppose I could leave things the way they were and reap the benefits.

I ended nearly all the murdering right away (there is a degree of martial law that is necessary for a place like this to run). I built new housing for the employees and nearly quadrupled their pay while giving them running water, electricity and heat for free. I have implemented a profit sharing option into the benefit package to see if that makes a difference.

But after all that the miners still weren’t happy. That’s because I gave them a basic cable package and they watched Oprah and feel as though they are being cheated. I had no choice but to kill them all and replace them with an automated mining system that requires vary little human supervision. I have 11 foremen now who manage the plant.

Don’t judge me man. I tried to help the miners out but they got greedy and it cost them dearly. Now if you don’t mind I have to go pick up my new Bentley before I fly to Los Angeles for a movie premiere.

Giuliani Vistis Minneapolis

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Would be president and former Mayor of New York visited the twin cities today and much to everyones surprise he is approximately 9 feet tall. This begs a curious question. Are Minnesotans freakishly small or are New Yorkers giant behemoths. One shop patron, who refused to give her name, said there she was scared of the man's enormous size but would vote for him as president because he could intimidate other diplomats from foriegn countries. The patron's name was Sue.

I know what you are thinking…

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What has happened to Billy Blanks? From his stellar performances in such classics as The Last Boy Scout and like two other movies he has wowed the International audience for nearly twenty collective minutes.

That seems all the more fitting when one considers his new 20 minute Tae Bo workout video has become the culmination of this sub-stars career.

Joining the likes of Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda as the Powerhouses of Pseudo Celebrity workout peddlers. Billy Blanks has nearly 5 workout videos that, when combined with a proper diet and heavy drug regiment, can transform you into a true killing machine.

So get your fill of Billy Blanks and sculpt yourself into a freaky and unattractive behemoth of muscle and sweat. Your every advance fended off by cries of fear and agony. Billy Blanks is making the world better, one fat lazy slob at a time.



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