I had the linoleum in my bathroom removed yesterday with the intent of replacing it with new and much shinier linoleum. I had all the fixtures removed and the old linoleum lay bare before me.
So I hired my buddy to come in and remove the filthy piece of crap because I had no intention of getting my freshly manicured hands all dirty from the thing. So John Brenne hopes in there and pulls back the plastic flooring to reveal a blood diamond mine.
At first I was somewhat taken back at the revolting working conditions and mass murdering that was taken place, but then I took a moment to think about it. I was faced with one of two options. Either, destroy the mine and end the corruption once and for all or… I could take over control of the mine and increase the living conditions, wages and benefits of the mine employees. Or I suppose I could leave things the way they were and reap the benefits.
I ended nearly all the murdering right away (there is a degree of martial law that is necessary for a place like this to run). I built new housing for the employees and nearly quadrupled their pay while giving them running water, electricity and heat for free. I have implemented a profit sharing option into the benefit package to see if that makes a difference.
But after all that the miners still weren’t happy. That’s because I gave them a basic cable package and they watched Oprah and feel as though they are being cheated. I had no choice but to kill them all and replace them with an automated mining system that requires vary little human supervision. I have 11 foremen now who manage the plant.
Don’t judge me man. I tried to help the miners out but they got greedy and it cost them dearly. Now if you don’t mind I have to go pick up my new Bentley before I fly to Los Angeles for a movie premiere.
So I hired my buddy to come in and remove the filthy piece of crap because I had no intention of getting my freshly manicured hands all dirty from the thing. So John Brenne hopes in there and pulls back the plastic flooring to reveal a blood diamond mine.
At first I was somewhat taken back at the revolting working conditions and mass murdering that was taken place, but then I took a moment to think about it. I was faced with one of two options. Either, destroy the mine and end the corruption once and for all or… I could take over control of the mine and increase the living conditions, wages and benefits of the mine employees. Or I suppose I could leave things the way they were and reap the benefits.
I ended nearly all the murdering right away (there is a degree of martial law that is necessary for a place like this to run). I built new housing for the employees and nearly quadrupled their pay while giving them running water, electricity and heat for free. I have implemented a profit sharing option into the benefit package to see if that makes a difference.
But after all that the miners still weren’t happy. That’s because I gave them a basic cable package and they watched Oprah and feel as though they are being cheated. I had no choice but to kill them all and replace them with an automated mining system that requires vary little human supervision. I have 11 foremen now who manage the plant.
Don’t judge me man. I tried to help the miners out but they got greedy and it cost them dearly. Now if you don’t mind I have to go pick up my new Bentley before I fly to Los Angeles for a movie premiere.
2 Responses to “Under the Linoleum”
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If you hadn't killed the miners, you could have gotten federal subsidies for your housing.
Poor choice, my friend.
Wow, Roger! Do you want to be my high council?