Announcing... Soul Massage

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Since the recent disbanding of R&B super-group Boys 2 Men there has been a void in the male hot and sexy group area. I have decided that once again TWH would take up the slack and start up a group of our own. There will be song writing and photo shoots and much merriment. Hopefully there will little to no singing.

The group name needs to be something inspirational that lets all of our soon to be female fans that we’re not only sensual but sexual. Something that says, “any of these four men would treat me right” and pay for my cheeseburger. Something hot!

Something like Soul Massage.

Oh yeah! Presenting the soon to be ultra- hot R&B group Soul Massage.

Featuring Ted the overweight intellectually with the voice of a Finnish dwarf princess. I will start wearing my glasses and cabbie hat basically non-stop.

Here is the problem though. These groups have to be 4 guys. So I am going to need 3 more men or women who are easily mistaken for men.

Here are the categories

Tall and lean. You are most likely going to be in the back of all the videos so your actual personality is pretty much not important. You have got to look good and be incredibly shallow. You get yourself in a lot of trouble for no apparent reason and are the rebel of the group.

Short and overly hot. Singing is the least of your concerns. You are the eye candy of the group. You will have to foster the good boy that you take home to your parents look so no late nights with the tall and lean guy. Must have washboard abs.

Talented. This last person must be the backbone of the talent. Everyone else pretty much sucks at singing so you are going to have to pull all of our weight for at least 7 years before going out on your solo career. You can be ugly to a degree but you need to be thin. If you are not attractive, which is incredibly likely, you will be required to wear large hats and near comically sized sunglasses so that no one can see your face.

If you feel like you could fit any these descriptions please post your video audition on you tube and link to it in your comment. Thanks and hope to hear you on the next Soul Massage CD, tentatively titled Beyond Tears.

Beyond Tears Playlist

1.) I See Your Heart
2.) Love’s Motion
3.) Dreams Are History
4.) Forever Without You
5.) Caress Restrained
6.) Touch So Close
7.) Excited Love
8.) Faceless Nights
9.) Beyond Tears
10.) Beyond Fears
11.) Locomotive Relationship

With bonus Track remake of “I’ll Make Love to You”

* All songs yet to be written.

State of the Union Recap

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I am not going to give you the verbatim yawn like you can find out there. Instead I am just going to give you my slanted viewpoints in a humorous fashion. Or at least what I find to be humorous.

When President Bush walked in everyone clapped. The Republicans clapped because Bush made it to the podium without falling down. The Democrats clapped because it was the last one of these speeches they would get from him. It was impressive how the democrats were able to clap while looking complete disinterested and John Kerry even looked asleep at times.

After every sentence the President got out the Republicans clapped in wild approval that he was able to get through the sentence with minimal botching of words. Lets face facts America; our president is not a great public speaker. I doubt he is much better in private.

While the Republicans were wildly cheering on the Presidents speaking achievements, the Democrats were waiting for the appropriate moment to cheer for patriotism. Any time the President referenced either green initiatives or the troops, democrats would launch into a cheerleading routine complete with the dry-humping of various members of congress’ legs. It was quite the dog and pony show.

With all the grandstanding from the Democrats and the wild reactions from the Republicans whenever the President said either troops, economy, or must it is hard to imagine the entire event getting any more awkward. Cue the Democratic response.

I am still not sure what the Governor of Kansas said. I was too thrown by her frowning between every word. Say what you will about the President being a horrible public speaker, at least he has emotion. The president’s little smiles made him look human. Gov. Sebelius looked like her face was pulled too tight to pull off a smile. There was at least 3 times I though she was going to eat the camera.

All in all it was another dog and pony show that reminds the rest of us why we don’t live in Washington. Oh, and Gov. Sebelius, you do not have an American response.

The State of The Union

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Not all that great...

I have not had nachos in a month!

No matter what the movie is named, if it is about the sea it is going to have people dying. That is because the number one thing there is to do in the sea if you are a human is die, that’s right, die. In other words, humans and the sea were never meant to get together in that way.

There are even people out there who think that it’s funny to live near the sea and consistently go out on or in it and in some rare cases under it. These people are stupid. That is why we call them seamen. They don’t know there is a rather gross joke there. That is how dumb they are.

Many men have gone out to face the sea in increasingly large vessels, think that the sheer size of the ship would be able to tame the ocean. Fools. Atlantis sunk and it was a freaking world man, a world. That would be a kin to Australia sinking.

The point here is that the sea is pretty much the king of its own territory. It doesn’t care how rich you are or how many multi-platinum albums you have made. There is plenty of room in its belly for whoever you are. It simply wants to eat your face. That is what it does.

Today I watched the History Channel coverage of a 2006 expedition to the Titanic. It was being headed by Russians who thought it would be a good idea to see if 2 1/2 miles under the oceans surface was colder than Siberia. There is literally nothing else to do in Russia.

So the basic premise of the expedition was to take a large ship, somewhat smaller than the Titanic itself, to the exact location of the shipwreck to see how it sunk. Sadly enough their ship managed to stay afloat so they needed to go down and see if they could figure it out by looking at the wreckage though a window.

So two guys got into an oversized sardine can that ran on a couple of double a batteries and had a crane drop the thing into the ocean. The basic concept was to drive this little metal bubble down to the wreckage and look around for a bit, returning before the batteries wore out and they got stuck there. Smart, right?

So, the long and short of the documentary is that they discovered that the Titanic took more damage from the iceberg than previously expected. This damage, of course, coming from running a ship in the same waters that these people had chosen to take their vessal.

Also, as a last note, you always here about shipwrecks. When is the last time you heard about a successful voyage? Oh yeah, you feel me.

2008 Movie Blitz

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Below are release dates for the movies coming out in 2008 and my thoughts concerning each. All in all it looks like its going to be a good year for movies.

January 18 (Friday)
Cloverfield - This movie takes intense to a level previously researved for pro-wrestlers. RECOMMEND going to see it. I enjoyed the movie. Its only an hour and a half though.

January 25 (Friday)
Rambo - You know that you have too. The previews look cheese and the catch phrase makes you sad inside, but its still a Rambo and if you don't go to the movie Sty will have to write another so he can afford to continue living.

February 14 (Valentine's Day)
Jumper - Looks like an interesting premise but I have to say the whole hidden war thing is a completely beaten horse carcass.
The Spiderwick Chronicles - these types of movies remind me of growing up and playing out in the yard. Also, I enjoy the creativity it takes to come up with something this completely crazy.

MARCH 2008
March 7 (Friday)
10,000 B.C. - Story line is weak. Visuals are stunning. Expect this to be a Russel Crowe free Master and Commander movie. Also less ships and cannons, more saber-tooth tigers.

APRIL 2008
April 18 (Friday)
The Forbidden Kingdom- Jackie Chan and Jet Li in the same movie. Why is the main character a white dude? It took us this long to get these martial arts experts together and we get a movie about a white kid?

MAY 2008
May 16 (Friday)
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - Great books that have passed the tests of time make great movies when they are done by someone who respects the book. I am excited for this one.

May 22 (Thursday)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Harrison Ford hasn't done anything I have appreciated since... wow... has it been that long? Hopefully resurrecting a great character can resurect the things I liked about him. Did you know he is married to a skeleton?

JUNE 2008
June 13 (Friday)
The Incredible Hulk - This is a remake for the benefit of comic book fans. I enjoyed the first one despite everything but this one is shaping up to be better. The only big downer is the change of leading lady. Sorry but I am not on the Liv Tyler bandwagon.

JULY 2008
July 11 (Friday)
Hellboy II: The Golden Army - Like the first one. Not sure why it didn't take off.
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - The return of Brendan Fraser to the big screen. No clue what he has been doing since Mummy 2 and don't much care. Hopefully its a good flick.

July 18 (Friday)
The Dark Knight - This movie has the potential to be THE MOVIE OF THE YEAR for me. The recent death of star Heath Ledger is bound to drive the popularity way up. The previews make the movie look a little beyond amazing. Its too bad the Ledger won't be able to reprise the role because he absolutely looked fantastic as Joker.

August 1 (Friday)
The Mummy 3 - Brendan Fraser comes back for another Mummy. Its kind of amazing that he has become so pigeoned holed as an actor that he can only score this type of role. Primarily the lead for the Mummy movies.

September 12 (Friday)
Punisher: War Zone - Its another punisher. I have heard that Thomas Jane won't be playing Frank Castle in the sequel. I think that is a mistake. He was pretty good in the first one.

November 7 (Friday)
James Bond 22 - Same guy playing Bond and the last movie was one of my favorite Bond movies of all time.

Non-roommate conversation

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I was walking out of the bathroom just after taking a shower when my cell phone rings.

Me: Hey Kev. What’s up?
Kevin: Not a whole lot. Just sitting in traffic and thought you might be amusing to me.
Me: Well that sounds quite pleasant for you.
Kevin: Yeah. This isn’t working for me. Can you be more interesting?
Me: I am not sure. I just got done taking a shower.
Kevin: There is no amount of pounding my head on the steering wheel that will help me erase the mental image you just gave me. I am going to have to drive my car into the river.
Me: I think that would be a tremendously poor idea.
Kevin: Okay, I now regret having called you and will simply turn up my radio to drown out your voice.
Me: You could just hang up.
Kevin: Suppose you are right. Bye the bye I discovered the meaning of life at work today.
Me: You would think that would have been the reason you called me.
Kevin: Shut up.
Me: And needless hostility.
Kevin: That is how the Kev-man gets his kicks.
Me: Right, So what is it? What is the meaning to life?
Kevin: Cheese.
Me: Really? Cheese?
Kevin: Yep.
Me: Now I enjoy cheese as much as the next guy but I don’t think it’s the meaning to life.
Kevin: Yeah. I haven’t fleshed out the whole concept yet but I got a pretty solid base.
Me: And what is that.
Kevin: Cheese makes people happy.
Me: So does TV.
Kevin: Yeah but TV doesn’t provide for your consumption needs.
Me: So cheese is the meaning of life because it makes you happy and feeds you?
Kevin: It makes you so happy that just saying it makes people smile. What else does that?
Me: Butterflickle?
Kevin: You have the intellect of Limburger.
Me: That was in no way intentional irony.
Kevin: See, cheese is so versatile and it makes you happy and you can survive on it; body and soul.
Me: This is going on my blog so if you could cut out the existential stuff and get back to jokes that would be helpful.
Kevin: You cannot live forever on humor Ted. You need to be more like cheese. Take care of you body and be more malleable.
Me: This whole thing has lost its humor.
Kevin: Yeah. I am trying to drive your 3 readers to my site by making yours sound all “Dead Poet Society”.
Me: …
Kevin: Okay. I am pulling into the driveway at home. You have sufficiently amused me for today.
Me: Am I to be expecting these calls every day then?
Kevin: No. I think I will try Leroy. He is more interesting.
Me: Thanks.
Kevin: No problem. Remember, Cheese. Think about it.
Me: I hate you a little bit right now.


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It was so cold all weekend that my Internet froze. That is why it has been so long since my last post. Today’s high is only supposed to be 9 degrees but it is so much warmer than it has been all week that today is considered a warm front here in Minnesota.

This time of year most people ask why in the world I would choose to live in a place that gets so cold in the winter and so humid in the summer. I usually tell them it’s not the humidity but the football sized mosquitoes that get you.

It’s not fair to be asking me questions like that. I cannot give you a rational answer. I can tell you about how beautiful the state is and how much you can enjoy it for about 32 days of the year but it won’t sound compelling. The only reason that I can give you is that all my stuff is here and you know you are going to role your eyes at me.

So stop asking such hard questions. Yes, maybe I could get a job selling coconut-flavored drinks on the beach in Barbados. Live in a shack on stilts at the edge of the jungle and fend of venomous snakes and various tourist women. Or I could live in a place where you nose instantly freezes when you step outside your house. I have made my choice. I just cannot defend it. So stop it with the questions, all right?


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Calvin Coolidge is stalking me. Well, I haven’t seen him but there have been some pretty big hints. It could just be his soulless corpse.

The first time I found footprints outside my bedroom window there was a map of Vermont with the town of Plymouth circled in red ink. Also the shoes were solid soled shoes. Nothing like what we have now.

Then there was a time I woke up from a nap on my couch and there was an elephant painted on my check in red and blue with 3 stars on its back.

There was an article about the Boston Police Strike pinned to my front door with a knife a few nights ago and a line of succession for the presidency was painted in blood on the hood of my car.

At this point in time I was pretty sure it was Coolidge. All the pieces fit and nobody really even considered the man a president so it would make sense that he would still strive to make his name known.

His presidency was marked by a quite respect for lack of corruption. And that would be about it, excepting of coarse the Kellogg-Briand Act, which stated that cereal companies couldn’t go to war with each other using weapons. If they wanted to fight they would have to use fists like real men.

Either way you look at it, it’s kind of cool to have a former president’s body stalking you. No matter what he does though, I will always be a Lincoln man.

26 Years of Living

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Its that time of year again where I pull out the candles and turn off the fire alarm. I know that in the grand scheme of things that being 26 years old is pretty much a drop in the bucket, but hey, its all I can relate to. I thought I would share the wisdom that I have used to shape my life. Don’t worry tomorrow we will get back to the pointless drivel.

1.) Nothing is so serious that you cannot laugh at it. I have laughed harder at a funeral than some people have at a joke. To often men attempt to be rigid and tough and miss out on truly enjoying life. Laughter is the great medicine. I try to take as large a dose of it as I can, whenever I can.

2.) Everything can be enjoyable. Carpe Diem is a motto that gets tossed around more that a fresh salad. If you look for ways to enjoy the simple things in life you will find them. Allow for a cup of tea to be a great pleasure. Let a walk with someone you care about be the highlight of you week. You don’t have to live a blockbuster to have a great life, you just have to love the life you lead.

3.) Turn off the TV and look. See what you have and think about the creature comforts that you enjoy. Too often mankind lets the weight of the world bear down on them and they miss what they have. I have so many things that are not necessary to life. I have a great set up for watching movies and some great tea. I have a computer and a lot of games. I have friends who care about me and trust in me. I have so much. How could the things I don’t have ever compare with those that I do?

4.) Say I love you. Let the people who you care for know. Love isn’t a scary thing. It’s a blessing and can sustain people thru hard times.

They are simple rules but they have allowed me to truly relax and enjoy my life to its full portion. Thanks for reading by the way. I am humbled that you come here for your daily dose of borderline crazy.

Chinese Calendar

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The Chinese calendar, as we all know, has animal symbols to represent the year. This year is The Year of the Rat. Doesn’t sound very pleasant. It sounds like this is the year that the mob will finally be taken down by somebody ratting everyone out.

The current calendar needs a little brushing up. The left hand column is the way it currently goes. To the right of each of the originals I have added my new suggestions. I am trying to make them sound a little more awesome.

Rat - Mutant Ninja Swordsman
Ox - Romping Herd of Marauders
Tiger - Blood-soaked Tiger
Rabbit - Violent Torso Vapor
Dragon - Two-Ton Venom Dragon
Snake - Red Eyed Destructor Snake
Horse - The Medieval Torcher Volcano
Sheep - Flesh Feasting Wraith
Monkey - Knife Wielding Drunken Monkey Troup
Rooster - Nazi Killer Whales
Dog - Razor-Toothed Attack Hound
Boar - River of Boiling Blood

The tiger, snake and dragon weren’t too bad but they needed a little help.

Just think of it though. Instead of being born in the year of the rabbit. Now you can be born in the year of the Violent Torso Vapor. Man, that sounds so cool. Or is someone asked you what year it was you could tell them it’s the year of The Medieval Torcher Volcano!

I imagine the Chinese government will make the offical move in about 20 days or so. They have to have the printed materials ready to sell for when they make the announcement and that could take two weeks or so.

Yet again, I have done an immeasurable service to the world. I would like 2% of the profit. That is all I am asking. If you would like I could make a chick friendly Chinese Calendar as well.

What You Done for Me Lately?

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I was looking in the mirror today, utterly disgusted with my hair. What has that patch of lazy softness done for me lately? Only cost me 15 bucks every couple of months but aside from that not much.

Well that got me thinking what can I accomplish if I cut my hair loose? I decided to take a historical prospective.

Take Michael Jordon for instance. Here is a picture of him with hair.

Here is a picture of him without hair.

Did you notice that when he lost the hair he got the trophy? Just making a point.

Also look at Steve Nash (I am not going to post his pictures). He had the long hair at Dallas and it got him nothing but an early exit from the playoffs.

He shaved his head or at the very least kept it short and behold the MVP that took Phoenix to the playoffs multiple years in a row! That is a pretty amazing task.

Last time my hair was buzzed my mom said it looked like I was going to mug her. That and my wife likes the disheveled look. Guess you get to stay hair.

Where is everyone?

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I have got to say that I thought there would be more comments about the blog I wrote yesterday. I have welcome speeches written to Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson. But not a one of them showed up.

These guys race to the sight of every major atrocity that bears being brushed under the carpet and kept quite for both sides sake and yet when there is an actual abominable act being perpetrated on a single white female… nothing.

Didn’t God tell Robertson about my post? Don’t Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton care about a white girl? Would the situation be different if Erica was African-American? There were African-Americans on the bridge by the way.

On a completely unrelated note, I wish there was a website that would be updated with the preferred nomenclature of every ethnicity. That would sure take a load off of my back. I am always worried I am not referring to the Ruskies in an appropriate Commie way.

It is a sad day in America when a slender, attractive single white female cannot get anyone to come alongside her and support her in her time of need. Did I tell you she is single?

Oh, wait. I know what you need to hear. The bridge was made out of concrete so it was white. See its another senseless act perpetrated by the whites. Get ‘em boys!

35W Lingers

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As many of you know, someone very important to me was on the 35W bridge when it collapsed on August 1, 2007. Erica was on the southbound side of the bridge. She was leaving a voice message for one of her friends when you can hear a waver in her voice. Suddenly she starts calling out. Listening to that voice message was very difficult.

Thankfully, those weren't Erica’s last words in this life. But the horror of that day lingers for her. Erica has suffered every day since the tragedy, both emotionally (over what she experienced and saw) and physically—she herniated two disks in her back and has been going to physical therapy ever since. Both of these factors have caused Erica to miss a lot of work, and it seems likely that the effects of that August day will continue to hamper her for the rest of her life.

Erica’s story is frightening, and yet it isn’t the worst. There were many people more severely injured, and 12 groups of families and friends lost someone important to them that day. There is little that can compensate for a collection of such pain, but it is the responsibility of some to attend to the great needs that manifested themselves that fateful day.

Unfortunately, the Minnesota state government has capped the amount of money that they are going to give to the bridge victims.

What does that mean? Under the current system of compensation, Erica would receive nothing and be left to deal with the future management and financial burdens that she will undoubtedly face her in the years to come—alone.

That is not an acceptable solution.

Below is a website where The Bridge Victims are requesting help to encourage the state legislature to create a compensation plan that can actually compensate. I am asking that you tell your friends and family about the site. We need to write letters and leave voice messages to our congressmen (state and federal), letters and calls to the Governor and letters to the local paper stating the current proposal is not a solution.

We cannot let the 35W bridge victims continue to be victims. They need your help, still.

This next link is another link posted by a bridge victim who talks about her experience and the role her faith played in it all.

This time of year people tend to make outlandish promises to the people living in their mirrors. Some go as far as to promise the losing of in excess of 6 pounds and 3 of the people living in their own head. As we all know no person has ever lost over 6 pounds. It is physically impossible scientifically speaking.

I have made some rather modest resolutions this year in hopes of not having to explain why I failed to achieve my own goals. It wasn’t always this way. I have made some crazy ascertains before and had to bear the brunt of ridicule from my inner child and various children who are not in me. Some adults said things too but I don’t listen to adults.

So the question that has been brought to me is how to escape these various ordeals without getting toasted. I am going to be real with you here. Most likely you will utterly fail and look really stupid and lose the respect of various 3 year olds, but if you follow my directions exactly you have a chance of getting out of it unscathed.

1.) Cry. Never underestimate the power of tears. Even if they only confuse the person who confronted you they will have served their purpose.

2.) Run Away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the screams grow fainter.

3.) Try a bribe. For younger children I recommend having a zagnut bar on you at all times. The only downside to this approach is you will most likely have eaten the zagnut before the occasion to need it arises.

4.) Spit on the person. Nothing distracts a person quite like having fluids from another individual launched onto any part of their own self.

5.) Scream for help (only do this if you are in a crowded place). The desire for nobody else to know that they are there will overwhelm the person into dropping the subject. If they like the attention this will backfire and the person will share your shortcomings with everyone there.

As you can see it is a tenuous situation to get yourself into. Your best bet is to lock yourself into your house and never come out. That is unless you set easily attainable goals for your New Years Resolutions. Either way it would probably be better for you if you just stayed in your house. We would all appreciate it.

An Ominous Phone Call

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My cell phone rang yesterday and it was Leroy.

Me: Hey, what’s up Leroy?
Leroy: How did you know it was me.
Me: Caller ID.
Leroy: Heard of it but don’t trust that kind of voodoo witchcraft stuff.
Me: I am pretty sure it is just technology.
Leroy: I don’t have time to tell you why you are wrong. I don’t have any pants on.
Me: You called me to tell me you don’t have any pants on.
Leroy: Yeah. There is some point to it but I seem to have forgotten. Can I borrow a pair of yours?
Me: Um… I hate to have to ask this but are you wearing underwear?
Leroy: Well, they aren’t meant to be but I have some dishtowels wrapped around where I would normally have underwear.
Me: Dishtowels?
Leroy: Yeah, our dog ate all of my underwear and I haven’t been able to get to a store on account of them not letting me in without pants.
Me: Did the dog eat them too?
Leroy: No, the pants are fine.
Me: So, did you try to go into a store without pants on?
Leroy: Yeah, and let me tell you those people are not very understanding.
Me: Do tell. Are you calling me from jail?
Leroy: No. Should I be?
Me: Probably if you tried to go into a store without pants on.
Leroy: I left while they were on the phone with the police. I didn’t want to cause any problems. I just needed new underwear.
Me: Why didn’t you just put on some pants over your kitchentowels?
Leroy: Okay, so I didn’t want to get any dishtowels dirty so I used 6 bath towels.
Me: 6 dish towels!
Leroy: I don’t need to tell you how important full coverage is in this type of a situation. But with the 6 towels my pants didn’t fit. I thought yours might.
Ted: So you called me to tell me that I am much fatter than you are?
Leroy: Well I tried the doorbell but you didn’t answer.
Ted: I am at work. It’s 2 in the afternoon.
Leroy: So is that a no?
Ted: Just get inside the building and I will be home in a couple of minutes. What size underwear do you need?
Leroy: Why?
Ted: I am just going to buy you some and bring them too you.
Leroy: Well that’s a problem. I don’t know. I usually try them on.
Ted: I am just going to buy you a couple of different sizes and pretend I didn’t hear what you just said. On a related note can you tell me where you shop so I can never go there.
Leroy: It’s okay. I try them on over my pants.
Ted: Well, that is better… I guess.
Leroy: Hurry. It’s cold out here.

A Lack of News is News

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Have you noticed something going completely uncovered about in the news circles? Not a single mention of something in the papers or on the 6 O’clock?

Bears have all but disappeared from the headlines in the past couple of months. Heck even a Siberian tiger got some coverage when it escaped its pen and attacked some people at a zoo. Yet, no mention of what the bears were doing at this zoo!

Now my friends keep trying to tell me that the bears are hibernating, something they claim means to sleep for the whole of winter. Yeah like such a thing actually exists. Trust me if you could sleep all winter long and get away with it, I would already be doing it. Hibernating? Ha! Those guys are silly.

I however think I have stumbled across the real issue. The bears, realizing that people would get distracted by the snow and slick driving conditions on our poorly maintained roads, would forget about the real threat, thus allowing the bears to organize the entire year’s worth of incidents in a few months time. Then you add in the holidays and that accounts for the time they go missing.

Now I admit that bears are smart but coming up with the notion of hibernation and then getting the general public to go for it was either a stroke of genius or madness covered by a lucky break. Thankfully I don’t fall for their tricks any longer.

This whole time while we are taking in gifts and stories about tigers rampaging in local zoos the bears are plotting their most diabolical year yet!

It is time we found out how they are talking to each other and cut of their lines of communication. This is war people we need to get that through our heads!

A Cool Winters Day

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The sun is shining but nothing seems to dampen the blustering winds resolve. It will blow until disaster rears its head. What will the victem do? Complain that the weather is unruly?

I did. I mean to say that I have and still do, for my disaster came early this morning. More a series of serious events that led to a tremendous down fall. Forced into the cold by a fumbling incident with a key ring. Subsequently, the key ring to which all my keys are attached.

Then compounded with public transportations timely tardiness.

I wet my pants this morning and it froze. I have severe frostbite and am laid up in bed. I haven’t peed my pants during the winter in years.

As you may have noticed I gave myself a bit of a break from this blog over the holidays. I needed the time to recoup and come up with more crazy things to say to you. Well, I don’t have anything very crazy lined up for today but as always I have brushed off the time honored tradition of New Years resolutions to get by.

TWH New Years Resolutions.

1.) To finish the book I am writing.
2.) To sleep (I like to set attainable goals)
3.) Go the entire year without diarrhea (see you in a year McDonalds)
4.) Go either back to Alaska or to Wyoming
5.) Make the perfect hamburger again
6.) Eat a pretzel
7.) Take up playing some instrument. (Piano or guitar are on the top of the list)
8.) Write something meaningful
9.) Snack for 12 hours continuously (might interfere with goal #3)
10.) Kill Bill
11.) Get something published somewhere.
12.) Fly a kit during a snow storm.

I plan to do most of that. I will accomplish 4 of them.



Looky Here

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