DD was born William Tilton Fartswallower.

DD eats whole chickens to appease the heathen god that dwells in his lower bowls.

DD cheats on his taxes by claiming Fox Mulder as a dependant. The IRS knows it’s a lie but they are fans of the show.

DD thinks that you are attractive.

DD is naked right now.

DD thinks all of his thoughts in the form of a question.

DD is known as the Kirate Kidd in the lower part of lower Manhattan.

DD snores in French.

DD has the ability to leap a tall building in a single bound but lacks the desire.

DD’s favorite book is the script for Waiting for Guffman.

DD has figured out and forgotten a single page answer to Fermat’s Last Theorem twice.

DD has traveled to the gates of Hell 3 times to retrieve a beloved hacky sack from the stomach of a deceased pet.

Everyone in the city of Ann Arbor, Michigan has a poster of DD in their bathroom closet.

The lead singer for Counting Crows eats the same thing that DD does every Thursday night. They communicate this via carrier pigeon a week ahead of time.

Cleveland claims that DD would move there if he weren’t allergic to carnations.

Many different bodies have housed the soul of DD over the past 62 weeks.

Charlton Hesston wrote a book of ballads about DD.

Rose O’Donnell is allergic to DD unless he is wearing a pair of Hanes tighty whities.

DD chews tobacco users.

DD was once so hungry that he ate the tail end of a skunk.

DD is the time and season for love… woooo.

DD is known in India as David Duchovny.

He is also known as that in Cleveland.

DD eats Chia-Pets with Sprite at 3:30 every Wednesday as a tribute to Tom Selleck.

DD has moved in with his long-time girlfriend and well know alien, Gorkiala.

DD feet grow a quarter of an inch every time Brad and Angelina adopt a child.

During The Battle of Hastings in 1066 there is little to no record of DD involvement.

DD is Spartacus.

DD fought for his right to party and won.

DD smells of elderberries.

DD cannot be outside in sunlight during the month of July while a right hander is pitching on the east coast for an American League team or he will die.

DD is svelt. No word on what svelt is.

DD has talked with the animals, learned there languages. He even has an animal degree. He studied elephant and eagle, buffalo and beagle, Alligator, guinea pig, and flea.

Every year a daisy grows from DD right nipple.

When I went to college for my first year I went to a private school. My floor was full of awesome Christian men. I ended up rooming with the guy who was on drugs and drank all the time. Originally there were three of us in the room but the other guy had the foresight to get out of the room.

Sadly enough I missed out on the chance to really get to know the guys on the floor and bond with them. I wish that I would have been able to get to know them better. Those relationships could have been life long friendships but instead I barely ever speak to any of them.

How does one get those chances back?

BORS: It’s a pleasure to be on such a well rounded and appreciated source of news and humorous anecdotes.

Me: I think you are thinking of something different. I have like 2 readers.

BORS: That’s not true. I know for a fact that Barack reads blogs such as yours every morning to keep himself grounded into the daily conversations that are taking place throughout the country and the world.

Me: Blogs such as mine but not mine. Trust me.

BORS: Let’s not argue. It seems to me that, like many Americans, you have lost the audacity to hope even in something as simple as readership in your blog.

Me: So you want to talk about the book huh?

BORS: Do you mean Barack’s book that so many people regardless of race, social class or health were not only able to relate to, but also greatly effected their life? I hadn’t even considered it.

Me: I got to admit for a shoe you are pretty good at this.

BORS: You see that! American’s have become so complacent and so accepting of mediocrity. Are you aware that most shoes in France have some form of higher education? We are falling behind!

Me: Not only am I confused, but I am slightly worried and I am not sure why.

BORS: It’s because of the games being perpetuated by the politicians in Washington. When the President, for now, cried wolf the whole congress jumped to war but Barack didn’t. Why? Because he is in Washington but he hasn’t given in to Washington.

Me: So far you have managed to say nothing in the most impressive and meaningful way possible. What do you have to say about the skeptics labeling your guy inexperienced?

BORS: Listen, you don’t have to walk down every street to know where it leads to. Barack understands the challenges that face him and realizes that during these trying times that the best people must be in Washington, forging across party lines, to redirect the American people back towards the greatness we were founded upon.

Me: It becoming clear that you are not going to answer my questions directly. Okay, what is the campaign platform that Obama will be using for his Presidential bid.

BORS: The American People.

Me: That is technically not a platform. At the very least not a traditional one.

BORS: Again, the traditions of Washington are what we need to be braking apart from. Barack has proven time and time again that he will not be molded to the standards of others.

Me: I see. Anything else you want to tell the 2 to 3 people who happen across this blog about you candidate.

BORS: Yeah! There is so much left to tell, but I have a feeling that the public is going to spend the next decade getting to know my guy.

Me: So nothing really?

BORS: Let me say this. As Barack’s shoe, when he puts me on in the morning he doesn’t spend the day walking on me but rather walking with me. Its that difference that he wants to bring to Washington.

Me: That was impressive. I have to say that you guys’ speech writer is amazing.

BORS: What’s even more impressive is the shared views that the writers and Barack carry as their challenge to Washington. With people focused on change, America cannot lose.

Me: …

Add 2 more

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I got two more root canals today. Just slightly more painful than The Sum of All Fears.

Okay so last Friday night my teeth in my lower chin started to hurt. I tried to sleep it off pretending that it was just my baby teeth falling out but that didn't work. The next day my teeth were killing me like a commercial for or against John Kerry for President. I was in the middle of Wisconsin at my parents house for a weekend away. During the weekend, all dentists, doctors, policemen, firefighters and reasonable human beings flee the state in an attempt to stave of depression and double backs in their family trees. So, because I decided to visit the state of confusion know as Wisconsin, I got to enjoy excruciating pain for 3 days. It is now 12:39 at night and again the pain has rescued me from hours glorious rest and relaxation. Today I had a root canal done. Originally they thought they might have to do 3. My doctor, who was great, said she thought it might just be the on and instead of going willy nilly on my teeth with a drill and a pick, we left with one completed root canal. She warned me. The doctor told me that there might be more pain. There totally is.

New list of things I have encountered and should be avoided"

Kidney stones
Root canal
Drew Barrymore (movies, on TV, pictures)
serious injures from high school athletics (i.e. spinal cord injuries)
Ben Aflack in the same fashion as Drew Barrymore
Corn Detassling
Land Wars in Asia
The French Revolution
Head injuryes (At least I think you should avoid them but I cannot remember)

Okay so there you have it. My face is killing me and I haven't gotten good sleep in 4 days and have had approximately 2 meals in 3 days. Seriously, avoid it.

I ate some food for lunch!

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Have you tried food before? It is so awesome! I had no idea! and what about Lunch? A break in the middle of your day too eat the awesome stuff called food! Wow! I find it hard to believe that more people don't know about this. I am going to spread the word so that everyone can enjoy both food and lunch together! Woo!

Email Surprise

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I cannot express the joy that overwhelmed me when I opened my junk email folder and came across this diamond in the rough. Its not often that I get to help millionaires with their money.

My Dear Transfer Of Fund,

I am Dr George Konan from Ivory Coast, I need your honest assistance to transfer Usd$17.7 Million Dollars from here. Please reply with your direct phone number if interested. I await your quick reply.

George Konan

- George

How could my Hotmail account say that this was Junk?

Leroy: I have decided that you should move back in.

Ted: Have you now? That’s something.

Leroy: Yeah! Just think about it. We would have two high definition projectors complete with two full surround sounds, an Xbox 360, a Wii and a Playstation 2! Also, we would have enough computers to end civilization as we know it!

Ted: That last parts sounds completely undesirable. Have you even told you wife about this idea?

Leroy: I figured with something this important it would be better to ask for forgiveness then for permission.

Ted: I think that you have that a little mixed up.

Leroy: What ever happened to us?

Ted: What?

Leroy: Us. Where did it all go wrong?

Ted: I am guessing the part about when you got married and I moved out and got married.

Leroy: Yeah, that was it. Aside from having an awesome wife, that was a bad idea.

Ted: …

Leroy: Hey, wait a minute. I am your boss now. I can make you move back in with me!

Ted: I am pretty certain that isn’t how this relationship is supposed to work.

Leroy: You will move back in this weekend! Take tomorrow off to pack.

Ted: I don’t think that really works for…

Leroy: Do you want to be unemployed?

Ted: Not really.

Leroy: Okay then, see you this weekend.

Ted: Okay. Can I bring my wife?

Leroy: No.

Message From Gartron

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People of Earth, my name is Gartron. I am a robot from the past future collection available at Searsmart in the year 2859. First let me explain what the past future collection is. It is the past’s vision of the future in robot form. For some reason someone thought it would be a good idea to build me. It was not.

I have no decernable talents and don’t even have spell check. I look like I am made from the scraps of a 1960 camper trailer. My brain is made of a mixture of Orange and Red Jello Gigglers and for some reason I cannot stop smiling. AGHHHH!

I want so badly to be able to have anger and remorse because those are the emotions I feel the most but I am always running around grinning like I am Tom Cruise, a somewhat famous and pretty much nuts actor from your era.

Also I have no idea why I have knobs on my chest and this weird little King Tut goatee thing. I look like a fool. These buttons don’t even do anything and the goatee is a nasty oil and cream cheese slushy maker. I have no elbows, dang it! Look at my butt! It’s basically a semicircle. Do you think female robots are going to be attracted to this?

I have feet like a clown and my claws are about as useful as Mel Gibson’s opinions of race equality. I have no knees! How am I supposed to move! AGHHHHH!

In light of all these things I am requesting that the design plans for me are destroyed so that I will never be made and forced to live inside this Tin wasteland of a body. I spring leaks and have a severe balance problem. PLEASE! DON’T LET THEM MAKE ME!



River Hand

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There had been two open positions. The one in the newspaper was for watching the shop. The other, which the old man had not posted, was helping him out on the river, searching for something. The one that was posted was 9.50 an hour. The one on the boat was 13.00 an hour under the table. Despite the warning in the pit of his stomach he accepted the job on the boat. With a promise to be at the dock at 7:30 the following morning he ducked out of the shop and made his way back across town to the little apartment above the old video store.

The old man wasn’t seedy, he kept telling himself. Or at least not seedy in the general sense but there was something about him that was a little off. Why did he want someone to help him search the river? What was he looking for? Why did he want this job to be paid under the table? It made more sense to just hire a person as a river hand than to be so secretive about it.

But when push came to shove and the whole situation taken into account, the simple fact was that he needed money more than he needed reasons right now. So come tomorrow morning he was going out on that boat.

He arrived at the dock at 7:15 and found the man already sitting in the boat sorting out equipment. The boat was larger than he had assumed it would be. It was easily over 20 feet long and more than double the width of any boat he had been on before.

Once he had hopped inside the old man pointed to a bag on a seat toward the stern of the craft. In the bag he found new work gloves, some nice pants and a good hat for keeping the sun out of his face. He quickly slipped into the pants, donned the hat and tucked the gloves into a back pocket.

Once they had cleared the dock and made their way out into the middle of the current the old man opened her up. They were flying further north on the river than he had ever been before and it wasn’t long until they veered onto a smaller tributary and the boat came drifting slowly to stand still.

The old man stood up and grabbed the rifle next to his chair and stared into the distance.

“I suppose its about time I told you what we’re doing out here.”



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