People of Earth, my name is Gartron. I am a robot from the past future collection available at Searsmart in the year 2859. First let me explain what the past future collection is. It is the past’s vision of the future in robot form. For some reason someone thought it would be a good idea to build me. It was not.

I have no decernable talents and don’t even have spell check. I look like I am made from the scraps of a 1960 camper trailer. My brain is made of a mixture of Orange and Red Jello Gigglers and for some reason I cannot stop smiling. AGHHHH!

I want so badly to be able to have anger and remorse because those are the emotions I feel the most but I am always running around grinning like I am Tom Cruise, a somewhat famous and pretty much nuts actor from your era.

Also I have no idea why I have knobs on my chest and this weird little King Tut goatee thing. I look like a fool. These buttons don’t even do anything and the goatee is a nasty oil and cream cheese slushy maker. I have no elbows, dang it! Look at my butt! It’s basically a semicircle. Do you think female robots are going to be attracted to this?

I have feet like a clown and my claws are about as useful as Mel Gibson’s opinions of race equality. I have no knees! How am I supposed to move! AGHHHHH!

In light of all these things I am requesting that the design plans for me are destroyed so that I will never be made and forced to live inside this Tin wasteland of a body. I spring leaks and have a severe balance problem. PLEASE! DON’T LET THEM MAKE ME!

Sincerely,

Garton