Facing the cold hard facts.

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Okay so this is not easy for me to admit. I have avoided even discussing it for many years because of my fears of reprisal. I have buried it deep into the darken caverns of my soul in hopes that I would never see the day when people would know and, subsequently, point and laugh. I have hidden my tears to run from questions concerning it.

But Opera tells me that I have to talk about things such as this. To get them out so the healing and forgiveness can begin. That only with allowing everyone to see the darkness I harbor within my spirit will I be truly free.

You see it all started the day I was born… a normal kid. I didn’t have any aspirations or lofty goals and just wanted to lie around and sleep. Hey, everyone was doing it man. Don’t judge me.

It progressed into my adolescence where I made no clear decision on the matter and allowed my childhood to progress “naturally.” Baseball and related card collection gobbled up a majority of my time. Well, that and basketball and football and soccer and kickball and well, anything with a ball. Little did I know, I had been squandering an important opportunity.

In high school I continued in a pattern of lackadaisical wandering. Sure I played plenty of sports and lifted weights like any farm boy dolt, still holding fast to my “natural progression” philosophy. Yet the truth of the matter was staring me right in the face.

There you have it. I am not 6 feet tall. Don’t believe my drivers license, I lied about my height. I am actually only 5’ 11 3/4 “ tall. I am a fraud. I have been claiming to be 6 feet tall for nearly 8 years and it has all been a lie. I am so ashamed. Will you forgive me?

Thanksgiving… the real story.

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As many of you have learned in the past 36 to 48 hours, the story we grew up with as to the origins of Thanksgivings is completely false. The pilgrims never ate the Indians to avoid starving amidst the cold New England Winters. In fact, at first there was some degree of friendship between the Pilgrims and many Indian tribes. However the true story of thanksgiving has little to do with early American history.

Many years before North American was “found” there lived a man named Wilson McThanks, a Scottish man. Now Wilson was not exactly a vigorous man. To be quite frank, he was only ever truly happy when he had his fill of drink and food and was lying in the grass and staring aimlessly at something that amused him.

Now, as many men in Scotland during that time, nothing more amused Wilson McThanks than watching two clans in battle. There was something invigorating about watching the swords banging and blood spewing without having to actually be involved. It was more pleasurable to him if he was lying on something comfortable, wither grass or pillows, and eating something nice at the same time.

Now Wilson McThanks could have lived out his entire life in such a fashion but alas he had not the money and the age of the warring clans was coming to a close. He would wander the streets aimlessly begging for people to feed and entertain him. But all of that changed when Clancy McThanks, Wilson’s wealthy bachelor Uncle, passed away in a freak drinking accident involving a wagon full of slaw and 16 goats dressed as vagabonds.

Wilson realized that if he wanted to be happy that he would have to come up with a way to make money each year to recoup what he had spent. So Wilson went out to the mountains to think. Now Wilson, aside from being quite lazy, was very dim and couldn’t come up with any ideas to make money. He decided after a few days to come back into town for his birthday and return after he had opened all of his gifts.

Now since Wilson had nearly everything one could want or at least the means to purchase whatever he wanted since his Uncle had passed away, his friends decided to hold a huge party in honor of their friend. There would be a magnificent feast, during which some bare fist fighting and some feats of strength would entertain them. Now November 23rd rolled around and Wilson strolled into town. A large host of wagons with flowers and dancers meet him at the edge of town and they made their way to the town square for the party. The day was fantasitic and so much so that Wilson drank himself to death.

So every year, in honor of Wilson McThanks and partly because they used his money to fund it, they hold a holiday that Wilson McThanks gave to them. Thanks-givings. And to think we used to believe that Pilgrims invented it. HAH! How stupid is that.

Brett Farve Facts

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1.) Brett Favre was throwing the ball around with Super Man and had to take a little bit off of it.
2.) Brett Favre made Hercules wet himself.
3.) If none of his receivers are open, Brett Favre simply throws it to an open receiver in the future.
4.) Brett Favre went back in time and fathered the entire Roster for the 1972 Dolphins. The only team to ever go undefeated.
5.) Brett Favre’s right arm is immortal.
6.) Brett Favre’s eyes are so keen that he can look into the soul of a player and see if he is ready to catch the ball.
7.) Brett Favre can block up to three players by himself from the shot gun formation.
8.) Brett Favre is actually 18 feet tall. He just slouches to make everyone else feel good.
9.) The use of an offensive line is not necessary with Brett Favre. They are simply there to make the other team feel good.
10.) Brett Favre never throws an interception. He simply throws one periodically to the other team in order to seem more like a mere mortal.
11.) Brett Favre got angry once. He would like to apologize to Atlantis.
12.) The Packers have to coat all the balls Brett Favre will throw with the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning upon reentry.
13.) Brett Favre is the cure for cancer.
14.) Kevlar is fashioned after Brett Favre’s skin.
15.) The Arc of the Covenant is hidden next to the Holy Grail inside Brett Favre.
16.) Brett Favre has achieved unassisted flight.
17.) In the late 1980’s the moon was destroyed by a freak missile accident. The US government had Brett Favre throw a new one up.
18.) Guns are modeled after Brett Favre’s arm.
19.) Brett Favre hunts with footballs.
20.) Brett Favre has killed 18 recievers by throwing a ball clean through them.
21.) During one of his many time traveling experiences, Brett Favre invented football.
22.) Brett Favre discovered fire.
23.) Brett Favre does not shave. He commands his facial hair.
24.) Brett Favre invented the pig so he could make the first football.
25.) Brett Favre was all three of the wise men that searched for the Christ child.
26.) Under his big red coat, Santa wears a Favre jersey.
27.) Brett Favre took a bite out of crime.
28.) Brett Favre took on a tornado and won.
29.) Brett Favre was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
30.) All of the Marvel comic super heroes are fashioned after various traits of Brett Favre.
31.) Brett Favre’s heart dwells inside the chest cavity of John Madden.
32.) The US Army makes tanks so Brett Favre doesn’t have to enlist.
33.) Every time Brett Favre runs in a touchdown he throws the ball to God as a souvenir.
34.) Brett Favre has thrown a football out of this universe on several occasions.
35.) Brett Favre wears a helmet and shoulder pads because they make him.
36.) Brett Favre folds inch thick steel into origami.
37.) Brett Favre ate Dick Butkus.
38.) Brett Favre had to get a conceal and carry license in order to wear long sleeves.
39.) Both of Brett Favre’s cleats weigh 85 pounds in order to slow him down to everybody else’s speed.
40.) Muhammad Ali called himself the greatest but later confessed that he thought everyone knew he meant after Brett Favre.
41.) Brett Favre is Batman.
42.) Brett Favre watched an episode of 24 and his response was “So what.”
43.) On July 20, 1969 when the US landed on the moon, they retrieved nearly 50 of the footballs Brett Favre had thrown up there.
44.) The Mars rover was knocked off of Mars by an errant Brett Farve pass. He was trying to finish the face he was making on the surface of the alien planet.
45.) When Brett Favre’s son tells his friends that “My dad can beat up your dad” they all agree.
46.) When Brett Favre goes to the zoo the lions hide.
47.) Brett Favre got into a staring contest with a snake and the snake blinked first.
48.) Brett Favre’s house is completely nonflammable because his intensity causes spontaneous combustion.
49.) Brett Favre’s car runs on his personal drive.
50.) Brett Favre threw a football through the earth to a sick boy in China.
51.) Brett Favre has thrown autographed balls to children in the future.
52.) Brett Favre can stare directly at an eclipse.
53.) Brett Favre isn’t allowed to participate in ultimate fighting for the safety of the other contestants.
54.) Brett Favre broke the Wolverines arm.

Cap’n Uncorked

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I was chowing down on some Cap’n Crunch this morning when I realized that not only does it tastes pretty gross but it also shreds the top of my mouth like a spoonful of broken glass. Naturally, I had a spoonful of broken glass to test the analogy and found out that Cap’n Crunch, in fact, cut me more than the glass did. That made me curious as to why I eat it anyway. So I decided to call my good friend Stephen Hawking, renowned scientist and mega dork. He, upon being awakened by my call, cursed me and told me if I ever called his number again he would beat me up. We are very close. So after I abducted his microscope and pocket protector he agreed to help. Well I abducted those things and hardwired his wheelchair to the remote for my remote controlled car. Eventually, after Steph, that’s what I call him, calmed down and stopped crying we decided to get to work. He wanted to use things like data analysis and a spectrogram to figure out the riddle behind Cap’n Crunch. I however decided to just invite over the neighborhood kids for some cereal and invasive observation. First we found that the sugar of Cap’n Crunch when mixed with blood gives the eater a sensation of a sweet and salty snack. And because of Cap’n Crunches resiliency to liquids, milk in particular, it relies on the mixture of saliva and blood to break the morsels down from their molten rock state. Incidentally, we also found that a child weighing less than 31 pounds should not eat Cap’n Crunch, as the bleeding will result in massive brain damage and likely death. In the end after tampering with Stephen Hawking’s memory, so he wouldn’t remember being abducted, and sending him on his way I attempted to published my findings in the Boston Medical Journal under the pen name Dr. Julius Betterthanyou. So far my findings have not been published and there are a total of 15 warrants out for my arrest. Still in the end, I think that Mr. Hawking and I accomplished a lot on that cold November night. Oh and I may have destroyed old Steph’s ability to have any short-term memory. So, um, sorry or whatever.

Once a Ninja, always a Ninja

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So my roommate, Leroy, and I were recently asked to join the elite force known as the Ninjas. Naturally, we expected the honor to be extended to us. It was the timing that was the big surprise. Now Leroy and I are clearly some of the most qualified Ninja’s that have ever joined the group but they only initiate new members when previous members pass away. I found out that two equally talented Ninjas had a fight to the death over a fortune cookie, which happens more than you would think. Unfortunately for them they were truly equal and ended up both dying, simultaneously from the fight.

Naturally Leroy and myself were the obvious selections. We are very stealth like and both can kick like an 8-legged mule. It was just that Leroy hadn’t told his girlfriend yet that he was that caliber of a Ninja. It’s a bit of an awkward moment to tell your gal that you could end her life and the life of everyone she knows and loves by accident if your weren’t so amazingly self-controlled. So when he told her she naturally wanted him to show his power to prove he wasn’t merely joking with her. Naturally he decided to kick so hard that the sun set 63 minutes early. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry about that but it had to be done.

Okay so now Leroy’s gal found out and my gal kinda found my swords one night and figured it out. There was no reason to not join. To be initiated you only had to kill like 200 people with your bare hands. This posed hardly a challenge to Ninja of Leroy or myself. Naturally we decided to kill lawyers and Ninja of lesser strength, as is custom for the initiation sequence. But after killing them Leroy, over a candle lit dinner, told me he had reservations about joining the group. He said that the Ninja organization really didn’t do much of anything anymore. So I round housed him to the face, which is the stand response for that statement, but to be honest I understand his point.

I mean, come on. When we were just Ninja without a group we could do as we pleased and destroy whomever we wanted. Now we had a brotherhood that we had to answer too. For this prestige we gave up our freedom. Now all we do is kick boards and drink some crappy tea with ginseng. Seriously, this is a complete waste of our talents. Leroy can kick so hard that he causes a solar eclipse, for crying out loud. How many people do you know who can do that? There are only like 6 people who can. Oh, and my judo chop. It can divide a man against himself. We are talking some serious power here.

But what do we do? Yesterday Leroy didn’t even pick his leg up off of the ground. I watched. He didn’t even do it when he was sleeping. 24 hours without that mighty limb even catching any air. I used my judo chop to cut the crust off of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we all had for lunch. That was kind of fun, at least. But, neither of us have assaulted anyone in like 2 weeks. If I don’t launch somebody into the atmosphere from a wicked round house soon I am going to go crazy. Leroy named all of his socks yesterday. It may be too late for him.

I get a weird sense of satisfaction from paying my bills. Its as though I am looking right at the world and yelling “Hah! I can take you!” Naturally I cannot take the world. I seem to have a difficult time holding my own against a rubber band and 3 toothpicks (long story). But I still seem to feel almost on top of the world. I am making enough to pay my debts off and still afford to eat and pay for gas. Periodically I throw in something nice for my special gal like dinner or something and I am just buzzing through life, smiling and singing religious Christmas carols. Its as thought my joy comes from being able to survive despite the odds. That no matter what life throws at me, I actually think that Ican make it. That just makes me wonder. Does this mean that I have found contentedness in the normal, mundane life that I live? I always wanted to do something more with my life. Will I settle for paying bills to make me happy? I doubt it. I am pretty demanding, but it is nice to know that I can be happy where I am at without needing to do anything world-altering. So if you could just mail these bills for me and then hand me my notebook full of possible cancer cures, I will get back to washing the dishes. Oh yeah and you’d better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not shout, I’m telling…

Are you feeling okay?

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Why are your eyes red? You are sweating, breathing heavily? Cover your mouth when you cough. Okay so its clear to me you have caught the bug that is going around. Normally you don’t see it until later in the year but every year it seems to get here earlier. You are done with your Christmas shopping already, aren’t you? And you bought the fuzzy Christmas tree sweater to wear at work? Have you lost your mind? You can’t be seen in public with that thing. You will get beaten up! I will do it myself if I have too. Okay but back to the issue at hand. What about Thanksgiving? How are you supposed to enjoy a day of overeating and laziness if all you can think about is putting up the tree and the Thanksgivings day sales?

There was a time in the not so distant past where the mere idea of pulling a man away from the sofa on Thanksgiving was ridiculous. Early in the morning the men of the household would gather in their pajama pants and various professional football team jerseys and fashion themselves in such a way that meager levers alone would be unable to dislodge them. Pillows and blankets would act as means to promote periodic napping and TV trays of various kinds of foods would be crammed into spots where proper television viewing would permit. Farting was not uncommon as well as burping and the periodic pillow muffled cry in support of a team but general conversation was heavily frowned upon and left for the women fold who would spend the day sitting in a circle and talking about “the soaps”.

Times have, however, changed and I fear they are for the worst. People get up early and spend time discussing the proper attack plan to visit every shop in the 5 state area that has the word sale on their brochure. The men spend the morning changing all of the preset dials on the car radio to football games and fueling up the mini-van. Next they program the navigation system to include all of the shops they are going to be dragged to that day and try to “accidentally omit” as many sweater shops as possible, replacing them with the likes of Circuit City and Best Buy. At the end of the day the family gathers in the living room to argue over Christmas decorations while bickering about how, if they had gotten up 2 hours earlier, they could have visited all the shops they wanted to. Meanwhile the men think with longing to the time where drinking mass amounts of eggnog is considered having Holiday cheer and not just an addiction.

Well you thought you would be cleaver and get all the shopping done and decorating done and spend a nice Thanksgiving reading books by the fire with your family. Hah! I can’t believe you fell for that. You are still going to have to go thru the same old Thanksgiving routine as the rest of us. Only difference is we can go off by ourselves claiming to look for Christmas presents while you are stuck with the group. If you can manage to get away I will be the one sleeping in the window display at JC Penny. Happy Holidays to all of your miserable fools.

New policy concepts

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As your presidential nominee I would like to let you all know what my immediate policy changes would be. These are the secondary platforms that I will be running on.

New wage for congress.

They get what the average American income is. A national income per household will be taken every election year and that will be the amount of money they make for their term. If congressmen want to make more money they will simply have to make efforts to take care of the lower income families in our society instead of catering to big money all the time.

Legal guardian punishment.

You get whatever punishment your minor does. If your child gets sentenced to 20 hours of community service both parents half to participate with the child at the same time. If you don’t want to be involved in your children’s life then the state will make you. Guess those harmless antics aren’t so harmless anymore.

Benefit adjustment

People who became disabled as a result of their own stupidity (I.E. drunk driving) are last in line for benefits. People born with disabilities or have them as a result of somebody else’s stupidity are treated first. Also put a rehabilitation initiative on the aid. Try to get people to work so they can contribute to society.

Also people who have lived a long full life get taken care of after young children who are born with problems get taken care off. I am tired of burying children in order to let grand mom live for another year. Sorry, but 99 years are long enough. Let the kid have a chance. Also work for guaranteed health care for children under 18. Have Ben Stein figure out how to finance it. Also give him his show back. He is funny.


You get a total of 24 months of unemployment for your lifetime. If you go over that amount you are on your own. Sorry but this has got to be the most misused part of our national government. It’s time to kick that last 4% in the butt and get them to work for a living. I don’t want to pay for people who are unwilling to work to play the lotto anymore.

National Balanced budget Amendment

For every day past the due date for the budget congress goes they are docked $1,000. If they go over the budget then the first item to be docked is their pay. Simple. Do your job or you don’t get paid for it. Also have a 30-year dept elimination plan put into place. X amount of money each year goes toward paying down national debt. As for those countries that owe us money, I say cut out the middleman. If Cuba owes us 4 million and we owe somebody else 4 Million don’t just forgive the 4 Million Cuba owes us and stick us with the bill. Tell Cuba that they now owe the other person 4 million and we are out of the middle.

Prison reform

Prisoners are no longer afforded what most people can’t afford. No more cable TV. Also they will work (possibly refurbishing old car parts) in order to help pay for the costs of their punishment. Its time the general population stopped paying so much in order to keep their families safe. Let the people who broke the law pay for their crimes. I literally mean pay for it.

As your Presidential candidate I promise to get impeached for pissing off congress by telling them they don’t do their job and make way too much money.

My name is Ted and I approve this message.

I accept the nomination.

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It was of no surprise to me when I received a call this morning telling me that many of you had written me in as candidate for every public office on your ballot, as well as many seats that were not up for election at this time. I felt it best to let you all know that, unlike John McCain, I accept all 18 of your nominations for President. I will begin my campaign upon receiving your donations, which should be written out for a 7-figure sum. Many people have asked my stance on topics leading up to these mid-term elections and I will now address those particular questions.

On the issue of Stem Cell research:
I have no problem with stem cell research in grown ups. We have already squandered our lives. Let these embryos alone. What should be done is stem cell donation centers should be opened across the US letting men and women stop by and donate their stem cells for a pop and a cookie. On a more serious note we need to have the presence of mind to keep life sacred when we are trying to save it. Not the “kill as much as you need to, as long as it saves lives” attitude seems a bit unnecessary when we can do this testing on adults and they still get to live afterwards.

It’s killing. Sorry if you have convinced yourself it isn’t but it is. Also it is clearly unconstitutional. Here is the only time I am going to bust out on one of these. The purpose for the Constitution is inferred in the Declaration of Independence. There they state, say it with me, All men are born equal and endowed with certain unalienable rights, among which are life, liberty and the pursue of happiness. Now either that all men meant just the men living at that time and our Constitution is void or it means all men past, present and future. If a pregnancy is left unimpeded then it will result in a man. That man, at the moment of conception, has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Tell me which one of those isn’t abridged by abortion.

On the issue of the War in Iraq:
I don’t think that the general populous should have anything to say about this. The general populous is pretty stupid when it comes to war and starting a republic. The next time a person says that we need to get out of Iraq right away I am going to punch them in the shoulder for spouting off about things they don’t understand. Also remember that Congress voted to send us to Iraq so there are a lot of people to blame, not just one. And if you so much as try and tell me that it was based off of the Presidents intel… It was off of the CIA’s intel and the intel of like 7 other countries.

On the issue of Gay Marriage:
I believe Marriage is a religious ceremony, but I don’t think that under our system of government special privileges should be granted to a person on the basis of their sexual orientation. So all the homosexual community must do is come up with a different name for their own ceremony. So we have a license to marry and then a license to wed or whatever name they decide on. It is important to me that pastors whose belief system doesn’t permit same sex marriages not suffer because they refuse to minister over one. Freedom of religion is as important to protect as freedom of speech.

On the issue of social security:
I would like to see it privatized but I honestly don’t think it is going to be around by the time I get to be that age. I am already planning for my retirement. The federal government sent me a letter telling me how much I have put into social security so far. That way I know how much I am paying to keep some elderly individual alive who didn’t plan for the future and whose family refuses to tend to them. Seriously though, there used to be a point where families took care of themselves. Now we expect the federal government to be our parents until we are dead. No thanks. I want to take care of myself. Not have somebody voted in by a mass majority decide on my future and I am certainly not going to let the government take care of my parents. Again, that is my job and I am not giving it up.

One time I saw a brand new car being driven by an elderly lady. There was a sticker on the bumper stating, “Tim Pawlenty’s stance on Medicare is just plain wrong.” If you don’t know Tim Pawlenty cut funding because we where so far in debt from the “Jesse Era.” My response was that she should sell her new car and buy a used one. With the money she made she could by health insurance. May seem uncompassionate but seriously, there are people who can’t afford a car and don’t get a government check because we are spending that money on this old broad. If you want to tell little Timmy that he can’t have a shot at life because we need to keep your 99 year old grandmother alive for another year go right ahead. I happen to think Timmy should get a chance at life where your grandmother has already had one.

If there are any more topics you would like to know about, or where I stand on your issues please leave me a comment. Also does anyone know where Angora, MN is? Apparently I have been elected to their school board.

Give me voting or give me…

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I would like to preface this blog with this statement. I wish I were joking.

So this morning I went to vote before work. The voting was being held in one of those little half gyms with green tiling that most Lutheran churches have. Only, poling wasn’t the only thing that was going on at the church that morning. There was also a funeral.

Now I don’t think the many conspiracy theories that are bound to float around have any actual support here (i.e. the democrats killed a member of the church to try and drive up voter turn out. “Hey, since ya’ll are here. Vote for Mike Hatch, its what Jim would have wanted). I just don’t think there is enough evidence to support those acquisitions.

That wasn’t my issue and neither was having the funeral there. I mean at first I kinda weirded me out, but this individual died. So naturally his church would have his funeral. The thing that kinda got to me was the fact that there was no separation between the funeral and the entrance voters used for entering the facility. I mean when I entered the church you could look down the corridor and see the people who were there for a funeral. It kinda felt like there should have been a sign saying “Vote, pay your condolences, do both. No big whoop.”

Just a little weird is all I am saying

Post Halloween Candy Apocalypse

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Halloween has come and gone and, as usual, there is the Post Halloween Candy Blowout Liquidation Sale and BBQ as there is every year. A continuous flow of 20-something year olds trampling each other to get bags of Mini Milky Way Bars for $1.58 each. Mothers crying, as children bash their piggy banks to scrap together enough coins to purchase them 10 times their own body weight in an assortment of snickers, Kit-Kats and milk duds. Hospitals gearing up for the impending rush of new diabetic patients brought about by the sheer volume of sugar consumption that takes place every November 1st. Yes my friends. Truly this is the most wonderful time of the year.



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