I was chowing down on some Cap’n Crunch this morning when I realized that not only does it tastes pretty gross but it also shreds the top of my mouth like a spoonful of broken glass. Naturally, I had a spoonful of broken glass to test the analogy and found out that Cap’n Crunch, in fact, cut me more than the glass did. That made me curious as to why I eat it anyway. So I decided to call my good friend Stephen Hawking, renowned scientist and mega dork. He, upon being awakened by my call, cursed me and told me if I ever called his number again he would beat me up. We are very close. So after I abducted his microscope and pocket protector he agreed to help. Well I abducted those things and hardwired his wheelchair to the remote for my remote controlled car. Eventually, after Steph, that’s what I call him, calmed down and stopped crying we decided to get to work. He wanted to use things like data analysis and a spectrogram to figure out the riddle behind Cap’n Crunch. I however decided to just invite over the neighborhood kids for some cereal and invasive observation. First we found that the sugar of Cap’n Crunch when mixed with blood gives the eater a sensation of a sweet and salty snack. And because of Cap’n Crunches resiliency to liquids, milk in particular, it relies on the mixture of saliva and blood to break the morsels down from their molten rock state. Incidentally, we also found that a child weighing less than 31 pounds should not eat Cap’n Crunch, as the bleeding will result in massive brain damage and likely death. In the end after tampering with Stephen Hawking’s memory, so he wouldn’t remember being abducted, and sending him on his way I attempted to published my findings in the Boston Medical Journal under the pen name Dr. Julius Betterthanyou. So far my findings have not been published and there are a total of 15 warrants out for my arrest. Still in the end, I think that Mr. Hawking and I accomplished a lot on that cold November night. Oh and I may have destroyed old Steph’s ability to have any short-term memory. So, um, sorry or whatever.