Tonight we, as God-fearing Americans, celebrate our triumph over evil by handing out candy to little children dressed as ghouls and goblins. These “scary” creatures gathering candy show how our generosity and love conquered the most vile and evil beings that we could ever have thought up. If we give “them” candy they will no longer participate in their vile acts of tricking us.

What was that, Walter? What do you mean that is not the point of the holiday? Okay then, Mister Smarty Pants, why do we celebrate Halloween? What, Oh my word! I… um… oh my. Are you sure? Oh, you are. Thank you, Walter. I can’t believe I have been supporting this for so many years.

I can’t believe that yet another one of our sacred religious holidays has become so corporate. Next year will they start calling it X-ween? They did this to Christmas and now Halloween. Next it’s Easter. They won’t let our religious holidays alone.

Um… Pardon me but Walter wants to speak with me again. Yes Walter I was paying attention the first time. Okay. Yeah. Huh. Halloween was never a Christian holiday. How did it ever get kicked out of the schools then? Oh. Well that makes sense. Okay.

Disregard all of what I have written. Apparently it is all completely wrong. Sorry.