The 1991 Toyota Tercel of the Future

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Yesterday on my way home from somewhere, I forget, and I passed a Toyota Tercel wagon that sounded as if it were running on a flubber engine. You know, the engine from the movie flubber. What, you don’t watch Disney movies as a rule? That might be for the best.

Anyhow, we were stuck in traffic and I decided to strike up a conversation with the fella that was driving this marvelous car. He of course was Iranian and didn’t have even a remote grasp of the English language so my futile attempts to converse were thwarted. If the attempt had worked here would have been my list of statements.

“Hey, why are you sitting in traffic with a car that runs on flubber? The thing can just fly out of here?”

“You live only a couple of blocks from here? I would still fly.”

“You aren’t like a terrorist are you?”

“I don’t mean to use stereotypes but its something like 8 out of 10 men from the Middle East engage in terrorist activities.”

“Yeah it totally is unfortunate.”

“Hey, I thought we were talking about you car?”

“Can I borrow it?”

“No, I didn’t really think you would let me?”

“Okay, enjoy your spiced rum. I saw it on the seat next to you.”

“I was wondering why you would put such great technology in such a crappy car.”

“I guess it is a good place to hide it.”

The Hills have Mimes

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Lick you finger and host it into the cool breeze. If you were a boyscout this will tell you from which direction the wind is blowing. If you never had such childhood teachings, you have a wet, cold finger as your prize.

Cue up that new Rock TV for Halloween.

Now that is some nice pumpkin pie!

The last blog from Alaska

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This is my farewell address from Alaska. I will be returning to the lower 48 tomorrow morning. Then I will start to kill the wild spirit within me. I will recoil into myself until I am but a shallow shell of the man that I was meant to be.

I shall shiver throughout the day until the urge to be free and whole is crushed by the weight of responsibility. I will cease to be wild at heart and become mild at heart. I will become a librarian in the innermost caverns of my soul.

After having seen the soaring vistas of Alaska, waded into the warm waters of the unadulterated hot springs native to the northland and waged battle with a behemoth glacier, I will submit myself to the whims of the society which drives us to ride desks for all of our lives.

Farewell Alaska. Farewell glory and freedom. Farewell.

Man Vs. Gigantic Ice Cube

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Today I met a new challenge. I faced an glacier head on and found out exactly what kind of a man I am. A small man... when standing next to a gigantic piece of ice. Imagine a mountain of ice facing you with a splintering grin, knowing that it will live longer than you. Glaciers are smug little punks.

I climbed up alongside it to let it know I wasn't intimidated by the fact that it was a chunk of ice nearly the size of Rhode Island. It pretended it didn't even know I was there. The whole time it was slowly melting and pulling back into the mountain of ice behind the rock mountains.

One of the other glacier has retreated out of the lake it created. Also, for all you inconvenient truth people out there, the ice has been decreasing from at least the late 1800s so you cannot blame it on cars or whatever you think is causing it these days.

The glacier is blue because the ice is frozen multiple times over and blue is the only light in the spectrum that isn't absorbed by the ice. Sorry, I didn't really intend for you to learn anything from this blog.

Okay. I get the hint. You guys cannot express more clearly that you want me to post on bears while I am here in Alaska. So I have decided, after a trip to the Alaska Zoo, to subject myself to you fleeting fancy.

Here is the brown bear that we encountered at the zoo. After approaching the cage I lit a cigar and started to recite all the lines from "Oh Capitan, My Capitan", as is recommended by Field and Stream Magazine for making a connection with a brown bear. The bear correspondingly got up from its selected spot in the pen and walked up to the front of the cage. Then the Bear turned around and started to crap out a light brown pile of happy bear fudge.

After his warmest greeting, the bear waddled across the cage and sat down in a freezing cold stream. Also, just to let you know, bears totally fart when they are going to drop a load. He had a couple good farts before the steaming pile arrived. I was taking a video but deleted it because I couldn't in good conscience have a video of a bear going to the bathroom on my computer.

There was also a polar bear. He just walked in circles and did this weird head thing when he got to close to the wall and had to turn around. One of the black bears did it too.

There, that is your bear post. Get over it.

Notes for The North

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I am in Fairbanks and Old Man Winter has been taking a royal white dump on the city for the past two days. The nice thing is that it is pretty. The down side is that you cannot drive anywhere unless you are very qualified at driving sideways.

When we were flying in we were sitting next to an Alaskan. She gave us a bunch of great information. Her seat was double booked and when the meal cart came around she bummed a 5 from me. She said she would give me money when the plane landed. She caught up to me at the luggage claim and slipped me a bill folded up. I thought she was trying to be discrete, so I slipped it into my pocket. Later that day I checked and she had given me a 100 dollar bill. I don't remember her name because I am not very good with names but her hospitality and general personality were incredible. Alaska nice just took Minnesota nice out behind the woodshed for a little attention.

The current hotel's internet has problems with functioning so more pictures will be coming. later.

What did you do today?

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Did you go to work? Have meetings?
Was you day so busy that you had a hard time remembering where you were?

Oh man, Me too. As far as I can tell I was somewhere in between this mountain...

and this one.

Hey, hope you have a good day at work tomorrow.

So I Went Out Sunday Night…

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And wouldn’t you know it, I got married. Yeah, there is a girl out there who would choose to spend her life with me. If I were one of you guys I would totally have her evaluated by a physiatrist.

So the following day, after an amazing wedding, we have a gift opening. For all of you who got us stuff, it was sweet! For those of you who didn’t, what is up with that dude? Not cool. I thought we were friends.

The next day, which is today for all of you who are following along at home, we found ourselves in Alaska, my new wife and myself. It is beautiful and you get the first of a series of Alaska blogs. Lucky You.

Office Gangs

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As is customary in corporations, when there is a large growth, office gangs are formed. The older employees, feeling a loyalty to each other, joined forces to create the hardliner faction known as “The Crows”. The Crows are spotted for their black shoes and matching socks and some variation of blue shirt.

The new group of employees call themselves “The Sharks”. They walk around in a large group singing and snapping their fingers. Its pretty weird and I don’t think they get a lot accomplished. They wear tight jeans and have their sleeves rolled up.

Then there are the people in the middle who are only noticeable because they don’t have any particular alignment and are really only at the office to get work done and make a living. They are referred to as “The Weak B*!%@#$%s Who Are Too Weak to Have an Opinion.” They are generally not liked.

I have joined the socialist party. I am not really sure if we have a gang sign or gang colors but for some reason my healthcare and prescription drugs are free. I don’t think that the party will exist very long before we run out of money but I am going to ride this train as long as I can.

Oh, there is a rumble today at 4:10 under the stairs and next to the copier. I don’t think that we are involved but I am going to go anyway. It is always fun to watch a keyboard brawl.

The Season of Running

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Fall is the season of running. Running where you might ask? To the finish line of a number of various marathons of course. Lets try to keep the rest of the questions from being stupid okay.

With nearly 150 thousand marathons utilizing the road in front of your house this year, you will feel almost summoned to your feet and compelled to join in with the running. You should avoid doing this at all cost. Joining in with the runners will only cause you further embarrassment, as you will most likely miss you own wedding or some such occasion.

The real question is where did all these people, hell bent on destroying their joints, come from? Well, Oregon, but there is a bit more to it than that. This eclectic group of thousands of people who are willing to drive hundreds of miles in their cars for the opportunity to run 26 miles next to people they don’t know were at one point in time like you.

They used to work next to you and watch football games at the bar next too you. Heck, some of them even used to be you, but now, with an overwhelming capsize of common sense, have traded their small paunch for inevitable knee surgery.

What caused this change of heart? I thought I told you good questions. No, I don’t want to use my blog to debate the merit of your questions. All right, I will answer this one. Boredom, most likely is the culprit.

Also, some blame falls on endorphins and then there is an inevitable amount that Hollywood takes for over glamorizing the life of the modern runner. Furthermore Balco needs to take some of the heat for creating so much stir around the industry with the new super athletics they are creating.

Remember, when the call of spending money to run beckons to you that you are too smart to fall for that sort of thing and sit back down on the couch and finish that bag of chips you started. Your American anyway, what do you have to run from?

What the!

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I don’t know if you have noticed but I have started a little revamping. That is because all of you are so important to me and I want you to feel comfortable when you come to visit. Seriously, you guys just coming makes me feel a little more important than Cher. What is she up to these days? How should I know… I was a Sonny fan.

Over the next couple of days I will be polishing up my knowledge of html and attempting to make this site looking something like a nicer blog. Don’t hold your breath though.

If you would like to make suggestions for look, navigation or new section please email your input to you mother, because she might actually care. I, however, will be most likely unable to achieve whatever it is you request so keep dreaming there, Picasso.

And for a little bit of fun… do you need a new computer? Well, new to you?

Snietzsche Says…

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In marriage both participants are like the pistons on an engine. That would make marriage a two stroke engine and we all know that a two stroke engine gets much more mileage out of the same amount of gas. Thus, a marriage gets a lot more… um, something out of the same amount of… um, something else as another thing would. This analogy has gone completely foul.

Americana Barf

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It seems like every couple of weeks somebody is running for some public office and it is a scramble for each candidate to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that one is more patriotic than another. This manifests itself in the form of a banner, patch, or logo that is so ridden with stripes, stars, and the old red and blue that Benjamin Franklin’s dust remains weep every time one such logo is produced.

I am not sure if you are aware but sometime in the next 10 years there will be a presidential election. Now I am not going to go through each candidate’s logo and damage all of your minds but I am going to show you the battle between each party to be more patriotic.

This is the RNC’s Logo for its convention in 2008. They went with the patch that can be sown onto various shirts such as the Boy Scouts of America. They created a powerful elephant that is up on its hind legs and proving its immense power. Also, for no apparent reason there is a large portion of the torso, in stripes, that has gone missing. This will assuredly kill the beast in a few short moments but a few short moments is all it needs. In addition, in hopes of completely undermining any sense of power the elephant’s eye has been replaced with a star. They did this so you would know that this elephant is fabulous baby!

The DNC went with the more desperate approach, what is know in the biz as the Red, White, and blue Blitz. They want you to know that they are so patriotic its freaking absurd. The red sky just to make it known that they will spill blood if it comes to that nestled over the blue mountains which… okay there is no explanation for blue mountains. Notice the crazy big 0 in the 08. That 0 is as big as the dreams of the average Americans! The stars are so big they are even in front of the mountain! The two biggest stars are Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, but you probably already knew that. Also the left side of the logo is torn with stripes giving it an oddly “E” effect. This is to tell the world that the DNC is the party for Everyone!

So enjoy your day and remember… I am more patriotic than you are!


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I have decided, as of 13 seconds ago, that I will become part of the Inuit tribe. I have no idea what that entails but I cannot see it being anything huge. What, do I have to wrestle a walrus and kill it with my toenails? Who hasn’t already done that?

The benefits of being Inuit are numerous. Where as they don’t have casinos and their art is, for the most part, undervalued, they are allowed to wear fur without being consistently badgered about it being another creatures’ skin. Also you get a knife that has an antler for a handle. Oh, yeah, and you also get a harpoon. Perhaps, if I get in good with the chief, I could even get a harpoon gun! How much would that rock? A whole bunch!

As for the downsides, I am ready to commute from Alaska to Minnesota for work. Also the cold doesn’t bother me. Nobody really respects me all that much currently, so the whole Indians are weird culture wouldn’t get to me too much.

I would learn from my new brethren how to tame the bear and commune with the wolf and all sorts of stuff that is really crazy to even attempt. I however would abstain from their peace-pipe rituals. I have asthma so I don’t smoke.

An Evil Plot!

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I would like to start off today’s post by saying hi to Ben.

Hi Ben! How are you? Really, you like bears as well? That’s unfortunate, because today’s post is more of a muskrat post than anything else.

Okay and now back the madness.

I have good reason to believe that the Unicorn population at large is plotting to over-throw our government in order to silence me. I really don’t understand why they just don’t kick me repeatedly with their hooves, but the plans that have been leaked to me clearly involve a cunning John Kerry impersonation.

I have an inside informant at the Embassy for Unicorn and Galactic Enterprises who called me last week quite scared that the end of the work was coming. I calmed him down and checked him into a rehab clinic so he could deal with his fairy dust addictions. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something behind his crazy banter.

I called another friend who does one heck of an Elvis impersonation and he told me that he would go in and check it out (Unicorns love The King). After 13 days of hip waggling and crooning the Unicorn King, Tramadron, let him in on the secret plan to take over the United States and forever silence TWH!

I have taken some precautionary measures. Firstly, I am writing this blog from one of the seventeen presidential nuclear fallout shelters. Only three of the bunkers are currently known about and all are heavily guarded. Good luck finding me you crazy ponies! (Unicorns hate it when you call them ponies.)

Secondly I have implanted a small tracking device in the neck of John Kerry so that when the Unicorns do their switch I will be immediately aware of it and will be able to alert the media to the sudden change in the demeanor of Mr. Kerry. Such notable changes will be the glow about personage of Mr. Kerry, the arrival of pixies to his residence and his ability to fly.

With this plan we will be able to thwart the evil plans of…

Unicorns are naturally gentle characters and are inclined to peaceful co-existence. I, Ted WasHere, was clearly making a joke and do not want to foster anti-Unicorn sentiment. Thank you for the time that you have spent enjoying this amusing anecdote.

Trama… I mean, Ted, Out!



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