Looking back.

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Well it’s the end of the year once again and so I like to take a moment to look at the past year. That way I have good cause to bash my head against a brick wall until I pass out. So lets take a few moments to reminisce about this past year. When someone asks you what is up you can respond with, “Well, lets see… Murder, rape, kidnapping, stealing, arson… the list goes on and on.” Some people would say that this is kind of a pessimistic attitude. Unfortunately they cannot argue with validity of that statement. The real question is how did we get this way? I think that I may have found the reason: Hippies. You remember those peace loving, pot-smoking morons who spent all of their time staring at a blank wall and laughing as though George Carlin was doing his stand up act for them. The people who hated war so much that they held massive protest orgies at the nations capital. The same group who had tassels on everything they wore and never showered. Those un-employable, unshaven hippies now run our country. They come up with cleaver sayings and repeat them over and over again because they have killed most of their short-term memory via smoke inhalation. The congress, comprised of hippies and old guys who have died at least 3 times from old age and been resuscitated, voted that we go to war and then later blamed the president for it. THEY ALL VOTED ON IT! Now I know that they say the President supplied bad information. Okay, you had the same information he had. I honestly think they all forgot they voted on it. Or maybe the wording made them all think it wasn’t a war and they got confused. Honestly, its hard to say what they were thinking. So what is the solution to our problem? Oh wise Ted Was Here blogger tell us the answers we all so desperately need to hear! No. I am not going to just give you the answers to the problems. You have to figure them out for yourself… Okay are you thinking… You have all just simultaneously turned on your televisions. You suck. All right here is the solution. Stop electing morons to office. I know what you are going to say to that, you hippies; we didn’t elect Bush, we elected Gore. Honestly. Is there any chance you could stop whining for a bit about that? It was 8 years ago! Anyway, electing Gore to office would have been the equivalent to electing a coat rack, except the coat rack would have been more exciting. That man could boar a hippie to death. Yet, somehow, you guys got really, really excited about him. Here are a couple of ideas for getting ourselves back to a place where things are a bit better. Teach our children morals and stop making prison more inviting than a Motel 6. Maybe then people would actually not want to do the time.

Action Movie Antagonists

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In every movie there should be an antagonist, someone or thing that aggravates the protagonist of the plot line. This is even more necessary for an action movie. In an action movie the protagonist is basically a land mine waiting for someone to step on them and set off the explosion and death that they have been peaceably housing for many years. Normally the protagonists have had some kind of training in order to win against some ridiculous odds. But the protagonists are not the topic of this blog. Rather we are going to wade into the waters of creating a good action hero antagonist.

There are two schools of antagonists that work the best, both of which stem off of the emotions related to family. The first approach is called the Segal Antagonist. This is where you have the “bad guy” in your film kill everyone the protagonist cares for, including his dog. The more blood shed the better. It, of course, is called the Segal Antagonist after Steven Segal who had only made two movies that didn’t involve the protagonist’s family dying horrid deaths.

Now in the Segal Antagonist approach the protagonist or “good guy” needs to be a person of special training, other wise it makes no sense that his family be killed. Normally either a police officer or an ex-military specialist is picked for the profession of the protagonist in order to create a situation where that much blood shed makes sense. The most common situation exploited in the Segal approach is the police officer and the Mafia.

The Schwarzenegger Antagonist approach is in many ways similar but different at a crucial point. In the Schwarzenegger approach the protagonist’s family is not killed but rather kidnapped and will dye unless the main character jumps thru a series of ridiculous hoops that create opportunities for jaw dropping special effects. I don’t really have to explain the naming do I?

Anyway, there are a few key elements that make this approach entirely different from the Segal approach. First of all there is a time factor that is involved, which heightens the drama, as the viewer watches intently to see if the protagonist can beat the clock. Secondly, the mental anguish that is thrust upon the main character is slightly different. Where both are grieving, the protagonist in the Schwarzenegger approach has to balance grief, anger, and hope. An odd combination to attempt to make Arnold Schwarzenegger master, when his only discernable emotion is “bulky”.

Clearly the Schwarzenegger approach creates many more challenges from the writing, directing and acting standpoints but in many causes the depth is not necessarily better. One must understand the audience as well as the actors when deciding which approach to go for. First of all Steven Segal is a more cold character where as Arnold Schwarzenegger is, um. Well he is, ah. He’s Austrian and you have to take that into consideration. Also, Segal fans want to see him talk endlessly about the beauty of the eastern traditions, where as whenever Arnold talks the viewer is unable to relate or understand what he is saying.

Clearly there is a great deal to consider when creating your action movie antagonist. Hopefully the information contained here will help you choose the appropriate approach to take for your antagonist. Happy writing.

The Christmas Ibex

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It is a little known fact that the Santa Claus and his 8 tiny reindeer actually stemmed from an age-old story from Eastern Africa. So, in the spirit of the season and full disclosure, here is the tale.

Now it happened that in the days of Caesar, an elderly man in the wilds of Mozambique’s beard grew to be quite long and white. The old man had been a warrior in his younger years and his clothing had become stained red by the blood of the foes he had vanquished.

Since there was little food in the land the man began to trade small trinkets, which he had taken off of the men, women and children that he had killed, for meat and rice. The man would horde his food inside a cave that he lived in and would never allow anyone to set foot inside the cave, except his wife. Now the old man’s wife had been senile since the day they had met but the man married her because she couldn’t speak with any clarity and there for could not tell anyone what possessions they had or where they lived.

The couple never had any children because the woman was barren. That above all other things made the man happy because he didn’t want to feed any more mouths. Yet, he longed to have a son that he could train to be a fierce warrior like he was.

So the man spent his time in his cave collecting food and looking at the many things that he had stolen as the years passed by. Eventually the man became angry that he didn’t have anything to do and he decided that he no longer cared for the company of his wife.

Early one morning the old man cut down a tree that was mostly hollow. He cut it down until it made a small sled that he could ride in. Next the man set out to catch and train 8 Ibex to pull his sled. He let his wife name them and they were called Desher, Dasnin, Pramkin, Vexorit, Coquet, Quilped, Domber, and Bloosen. The old man then would load the sled full of presents and drive North into Tanzania. In the middle of the night he would abduct small children and leave a trinket as payment for the lost child.

Every year he would make his trip North and abduct more children whom he would take to the north cave on his land. There the old man would train them as warriors. They would make various weapons and hunt for their own food. This made the old men very happy. The people of Tanzania told their children if they were good that the Old Man and his Ibex would come and take them away to a happy place. Mostly they just wanted the trinket to sell for food.

My Cristmas Feast

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“Dinner is ready,” My mom calls from the kitchen. My 4 other siblings and I, along with their respective children, pile around the table to assault our mouths with a barrage of food that would otherwise be forsaken for something easier to prepare, like McDonalds. But this time of year is about stomach pain and diarrhea so the show must go on. Naturally only one meat source is laughable this time of year as anything less than four is considered an affront to the baby Jesus. This year we will be having a turkey, spiral cut ham, chicken, and meatballs. I put in a request for hamburgers but my sisters shot that down because “it wasn’t a holiday food!” Then there are the side dishes. You have to have mashed potatoes and cheesy potatoes and baked potatoes. There are the stuffing assortments for every meat option. Also, there has to be a gigantic bowl of cranberry sauce to bleed all over the rest of the foods. Jell-o dishes of various colors stuffed with fruits and nuts adorn the table to offset the beans, carrots, sweet potatoes, and corn dishes with at least 2 different dishes with every vegetable option. This year to honor other cultures we will also be having fajitas, egg rolls, sour kraut, French fries and onion rings. Then there is the seafood section of the meal. There is the shrimp, calamari, lobster, Mahi–Mahi and scallops. There will be 6 different varieties of whole grain breads and 37 brown and serve rolls per person alongside the mountain of croissant rolls. Each gravy dish will be larger than the turkey itself in order to provide everyone with the sauce they require. Once we have all finished eating our fill of the main course we burn the remainder of the food as a homage to the fallen soldiers who have, by the spilling of their blood, made this feast possible. Then we move on to dessert. Dessert at our Christmas feast is a dance of delicate delectable amidst a decadent display. All right, I won’t do that again. Any way, we have pies. At least 7 pies, of various fruit and custard variety, topped with whipped cream, ice cream, caramel, hot fudge and ground up cashews. Then there are 3 gigantic circle cakes measuring 6 feet in diameter. One is chocolate with peanut butter frosting, one is cherry chip cake, and the last is double fudge chocolate death desire cake. All of these cakes are adorned in similar fashion as the pies. There are 32 varieties of cookies and of course a fruitcake, which no one touches. I can already feel the pain. I am going to go vomit.

You are so caught, Mike.

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Can you make that out? Right there, in the clouds. Its spells out “Copyright 2005 Mike Hollingshead.” How crazy is that? Its like the clouds have decided they belong to Mike and that nobody else. Wait a minute; does this picture mean that Mike Hollingshead is responsible for that storm? Then wouldn’t he also be liable for the destruction that was caused by the twister? Man, whoever posted this picture on the web is no friend of Mike Hollingshead that is for sure. I bet that they were roommates in college and the guy who posted this picture never forgave Mike for dating the girl that he wanted to date. I bet they even got in a fight over it and Mike was too strong and the other guy just called him mean names under his breath. Then, in the middle of the night one night, the roommate planted drugs on Mike and called the cops. Mike was suspended from school for like a week and while he was gone his roommate made out with the girl who Mike was dating and their relationship deteriorated so much that Mike moved out and the roommate never saw Suzie again (the girls name was undoubtedly Suzie). Then 10 years later, at the reunion, Mike punched out the roommate and got arrested. Mikes life was slowly going down the drain when a man approached him. The man said that he could get Mike in touch with the guy who is in charge of the weather . Mike was probably drunk or crazy because he apparently paid the twenty bucks. Here is the kicker though; the man was on the level. So Mike ordered a severe storm over the area where his former college roommate lived. Unfortunately the roommate had undoubtedly moved to Florida after marrying someone even hotter than Suzie. His house was purchased by an elderly Dutch couple who died as a result of the damage caused by the storm. Yeah. That is probably what happened.

Health Insurance

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Okay so I am getting a bit upset with my old health insurance. I went to visit a foot doctor while I was working at my last job (I had never visited a foot doctor before in my life) and the insurance is claiming that it was a preexisting condition. Naturally, they refused to pay for it. It was frustrating but after a while I just got used to the idea that they were not there to pay for any of my medical bills. Well, yesterday it got worse. I received a really old explanation of benefits where my previous insurance carrier stated that they would not pay for a blood draw that I had done because it was a preexisting condition. A BLOOD DRAW! I tried to remain calm but honestly what is the point in having an argument with these people. Clearly I had blood before my coverage with them started. It is just ridiculous. Having insurance coverage with Premier Health Insurance is a little bit more stupid than having no health insurance. If you have no health insurance you won’t have a heart attack because you got angry at your insurance company (heart attacks are preexisting conditions because your heart was bad before your coverage with them started).

So what course of action do I really have? I could spend thousands in legal fees to have a judge tell me that insurance companies are gods under the law. I could complain and moan and refuse to pay the bills thereby effectively ruining my credit and severing the tie between my doctor and myself. I could bash my previous insurance company on the Internet via the blogosphere. I could be a good little lackey and pay the bill pretending that clearly I was trying to pull a fast one on the insurance company and got caught. Or I could simply curl up into a ball and cry myself into the insane asylum, but that would clearly be a preexisting mental condition and I cannot afford to pay for that kind of treatment out-of-pocket.

Solution for Iraq

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Everybody has got an idea for what they want to see happen in Iraq. There are many people who think that making nice with Iran is the key to the war. Others think that sending Paris Hilton over there will solve all of our problems. I am more inclined to agree with the later over the former. However, I don’t want people thinking that there is some easy fix to Iraq, because I wanted to be the one to tell people there is. Yes, you heard it. There is a simple solution to Iraq, gelatin. Encase the entire county in gelatin and then slowly make your way across the country pulling out the people and arresting the ones with guns. Just do what they do in Italy and arrest everybody with guns. Make owning a gun illegal and enforce it. If you get caught with a gun they take it away and cut off your trigger finger. They do worse if you are caught stealing in some places. The gelatin can be used to feed our troops and in many cases to stop any bullets that might be fired. The plan is fool proof and flawless. So all we need is Bill Cosby to unleash his gelatin bedlam on Iraq and peace will ensue. I would like $15,843.62 for my idea. I have to feed my family.

Erin Esurance

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Okay, so exactly what has this chick done? What kind of junk is she into? Haven’t you noticed that in every commercial she runs around being chased by the “villains” of the clip? I don’t know for certain that she is the good guy in this scenario. Maybe she robbed a group of Goths and they are chasing her down to get their pig skull back. We don’t know. All we do know is that she leads this guy on during every commercial and seems to be stalking him. She keeps killing more and more of these somewhat ugly but otherwise innocuous foes. Who is Erin Esurance? I am tired of these snippets of story telling me nothing about what is going on. I want to know why she is being chased. Maybe she is the villain and the good guys just don’t have dental coverage. I demand to know the truth about Erin Esurance.

Word on the street is she’s a sex offender, Class 3. I'm not saying I'm just saying is all.

The King of the Sequel

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With the release date of the next (6th) Rocky movie, one can’t help but wonder when we will see Rambo again. Sylvester Stallone is positioning himself as the all time sequel master, narrowly edging out Charles Bronson in Death Wishes 1 thru 37.2.

Stallone, now 58, is set to have an assistant help him don combat trousers for a fourth time, this time to slug it out against pretty much anyone, for any reason. According to Stallone, who is also the movie's scriptwriter, this is just the beginning of the Rambo saga. “What would it be like if a trained killing machine got Alzheimer’s?” Stallone questioned reporters; “Rambo has always been about more than needless killing in fairly mundane circumstances. These films have been a social commentary about the soldiers that our government has trained to kill a lot of people and the everyday challenges they face. In that way, Rambo is a lot like the average Joe American. Except he's not a total wuss like a lot of guys these days.”

In the next slated movie Rambo, having been forced to leave the big city for a quiet, rural life because of overwhelming workplace stress (I am not making that up), finds adversity because the small town’s local racist group doesn’t like the fact that a 1/100th part Navajo has moved into their town.

Now I know what you are thinking. This will definitely be the last Rambo. I mean come on. He is 58 years old!

"It's a franchise," said Avi Lerner, chairman of studio Nu Image/Millennium Films, "If No. 4 works, then you have a No. 5."

You idiot. They are going to keep making these movies even after Stallone is dead. They had him sign an agreement to make his body into an animatronics Rambo.

In a statement, Stallone said: "I've signed the deal and I have the old headband, machine gun and bow and arrow ready to go. I am looking forward to showing movie fans the real action hero again." The aging star couldn’t be reached for further comments because it was his afternoon naptime.

Hey Ya’ll

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You like funny? You eat apples for various food times? I know you man. I totally know you and I know that you will funny find all this Rock TV newness. This is how we roll.

Rock TV - Revelation 9:11

What is big deally, yo? Watch and see as you're crying yourself to sleep with tears of incredible joyness. That is what is up.



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