“Dinner is ready,” My mom calls from the kitchen. My 4 other siblings and I, along with their respective children, pile around the table to assault our mouths with a barrage of food that would otherwise be forsaken for something easier to prepare, like McDonalds. But this time of year is about stomach pain and diarrhea so the show must go on. Naturally only one meat source is laughable this time of year as anything less than four is considered an affront to the baby Jesus. This year we will be having a turkey, spiral cut ham, chicken, and meatballs. I put in a request for hamburgers but my sisters shot that down because “it wasn’t a holiday food!” Then there are the side dishes. You have to have mashed potatoes and cheesy potatoes and baked potatoes. There are the stuffing assortments for every meat option. Also, there has to be a gigantic bowl of cranberry sauce to bleed all over the rest of the foods. Jell-o dishes of various colors stuffed with fruits and nuts adorn the table to offset the beans, carrots, sweet potatoes, and corn dishes with at least 2 different dishes with every vegetable option. This year to honor other cultures we will also be having fajitas, egg rolls, sour kraut, French fries and onion rings. Then there is the seafood section of the meal. There is the shrimp, calamari, lobster, Mahi–Mahi and scallops. There will be 6 different varieties of whole grain breads and 37 brown and serve rolls per person alongside the mountain of croissant rolls. Each gravy dish will be larger than the turkey itself in order to provide everyone with the sauce they require. Once we have all finished eating our fill of the main course we burn the remainder of the food as a homage to the fallen soldiers who have, by the spilling of their blood, made this feast possible. Then we move on to dessert. Dessert at our Christmas feast is a dance of delicate delectable amidst a decadent display. All right, I won’t do that again. Any way, we have pies. At least 7 pies, of various fruit and custard variety, topped with whipped cream, ice cream, caramel, hot fudge and ground up cashews. Then there are 3 gigantic circle cakes measuring 6 feet in diameter. One is chocolate with peanut butter frosting, one is cherry chip cake, and the last is double fudge chocolate death desire cake. All of these cakes are adorned in similar fashion as the pies. There are 32 varieties of cookies and of course a fruitcake, which no one touches. I can already feel the pain. I am going to go vomit.