As many of you have learned in the past 36 to 48 hours, the story we grew up with as to the origins of Thanksgivings is completely false. The pilgrims never ate the Indians to avoid starving amidst the cold New England Winters. In fact, at first there was some degree of friendship between the Pilgrims and many Indian tribes. However the true story of thanksgiving has little to do with early American history.

Many years before North American was “found” there lived a man named Wilson McThanks, a Scottish man. Now Wilson was not exactly a vigorous man. To be quite frank, he was only ever truly happy when he had his fill of drink and food and was lying in the grass and staring aimlessly at something that amused him.

Now, as many men in Scotland during that time, nothing more amused Wilson McThanks than watching two clans in battle. There was something invigorating about watching the swords banging and blood spewing without having to actually be involved. It was more pleasurable to him if he was lying on something comfortable, wither grass or pillows, and eating something nice at the same time.

Now Wilson McThanks could have lived out his entire life in such a fashion but alas he had not the money and the age of the warring clans was coming to a close. He would wander the streets aimlessly begging for people to feed and entertain him. But all of that changed when Clancy McThanks, Wilson’s wealthy bachelor Uncle, passed away in a freak drinking accident involving a wagon full of slaw and 16 goats dressed as vagabonds.

Wilson realized that if he wanted to be happy that he would have to come up with a way to make money each year to recoup what he had spent. So Wilson went out to the mountains to think. Now Wilson, aside from being quite lazy, was very dim and couldn’t come up with any ideas to make money. He decided after a few days to come back into town for his birthday and return after he had opened all of his gifts.

Now since Wilson had nearly everything one could want or at least the means to purchase whatever he wanted since his Uncle had passed away, his friends decided to hold a huge party in honor of their friend. There would be a magnificent feast, during which some bare fist fighting and some feats of strength would entertain them. Now November 23rd rolled around and Wilson strolled into town. A large host of wagons with flowers and dancers meet him at the edge of town and they made their way to the town square for the party. The day was fantasitic and so much so that Wilson drank himself to death.

So every year, in honor of Wilson McThanks and partly because they used his money to fund it, they hold a holiday that Wilson McThanks gave to them. Thanks-givings. And to think we used to believe that Pilgrims invented it. HAH! How stupid is that.