It was of no surprise to me when I received a call this morning telling me that many of you had written me in as candidate for every public office on your ballot, as well as many seats that were not up for election at this time. I felt it best to let you all know that, unlike John McCain, I accept all 18 of your nominations for President. I will begin my campaign upon receiving your donations, which should be written out for a 7-figure sum. Many people have asked my stance on topics leading up to these mid-term elections and I will now address those particular questions.

On the issue of Stem Cell research:
I have no problem with stem cell research in grown ups. We have already squandered our lives. Let these embryos alone. What should be done is stem cell donation centers should be opened across the US letting men and women stop by and donate their stem cells for a pop and a cookie. On a more serious note we need to have the presence of mind to keep life sacred when we are trying to save it. Not the “kill as much as you need to, as long as it saves lives” attitude seems a bit unnecessary when we can do this testing on adults and they still get to live afterwards.

Abortion:
It’s killing. Sorry if you have convinced yourself it isn’t but it is. Also it is clearly unconstitutional. Here is the only time I am going to bust out on one of these. The purpose for the Constitution is inferred in the Declaration of Independence. There they state, say it with me, All men are born equal and endowed with certain unalienable rights, among which are life, liberty and the pursue of happiness. Now either that all men meant just the men living at that time and our Constitution is void or it means all men past, present and future. If a pregnancy is left unimpeded then it will result in a man. That man, at the moment of conception, has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Tell me which one of those isn’t abridged by abortion.

On the issue of the War in Iraq:
I don’t think that the general populous should have anything to say about this. The general populous is pretty stupid when it comes to war and starting a republic. The next time a person says that we need to get out of Iraq right away I am going to punch them in the shoulder for spouting off about things they don’t understand. Also remember that Congress voted to send us to Iraq so there are a lot of people to blame, not just one. And if you so much as try and tell me that it was based off of the Presidents intel… It was off of the CIA’s intel and the intel of like 7 other countries.

On the issue of Gay Marriage:
I believe Marriage is a religious ceremony, but I don’t think that under our system of government special privileges should be granted to a person on the basis of their sexual orientation. So all the homosexual community must do is come up with a different name for their own ceremony. So we have a license to marry and then a license to wed or whatever name they decide on. It is important to me that pastors whose belief system doesn’t permit same sex marriages not suffer because they refuse to minister over one. Freedom of religion is as important to protect as freedom of speech.

On the issue of social security:
I would like to see it privatized but I honestly don’t think it is going to be around by the time I get to be that age. I am already planning for my retirement. The federal government sent me a letter telling me how much I have put into social security so far. That way I know how much I am paying to keep some elderly individual alive who didn’t plan for the future and whose family refuses to tend to them. Seriously though, there used to be a point where families took care of themselves. Now we expect the federal government to be our parents until we are dead. No thanks. I want to take care of myself. Not have somebody voted in by a mass majority decide on my future and I am certainly not going to let the government take care of my parents. Again, that is my job and I am not giving it up.

Medicare:
One time I saw a brand new car being driven by an elderly lady. There was a sticker on the bumper stating, “Tim Pawlenty’s stance on Medicare is just plain wrong.” If you don’t know Tim Pawlenty cut funding because we where so far in debt from the “Jesse Era.” My response was that she should sell her new car and buy a used one. With the money she made she could by health insurance. May seem uncompassionate but seriously, there are people who can’t afford a car and don’t get a government check because we are spending that money on this old broad. If you want to tell little Timmy that he can’t have a shot at life because we need to keep your 99 year old grandmother alive for another year go right ahead. I happen to think Timmy should get a chance at life where your grandmother has already had one.

If there are any more topics you would like to know about, or where I stand on your issues please leave me a comment. Also does anyone know where Angora, MN is? Apparently I have been elected to their school board.