Normally we skip over these bullshit gold-plated gadgets, but it turns out this 18-karat iPod shuffle isn't gold plated at all, but it's solid 18-karat gold. Its picture was so pretty we couldn't resist, even when we first thought it was 18k gold plated.

We would've been even more impressed if it were solid 24-karat gold, but we'll just have to settle for 18k. There's just something strangely appealing about the irony and incongruity of the cheapest iPod made of a solid hunk of the most elegant of metals. It's just so, uh, inappropriate.

How much does it cost? Xexoo, a German company that apparently makes a pretty good living by soaking gullible, vain and rich buffoons, is going to clip those cash-soaked Diamond Jim Bradys for $19,343 to possess this dubious bauble made of 100g of solid gold. The company says there's even a diamond-studded upgrade in the works. We hope for the sake of the civilized world that none of these will sell well.

America's Next Top Pastor

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Behold, the new Rock TV!

Tastes like chicken.

New York for President

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Experts say that by the year 2022 everyone in the state of New York will be running for president in either of the two primaries. With the increasing numbers of people declaring their presidencies, it is only a matter of time before it gets completely out of control.

“There were like 20 people on the stage for the last debate and it took like 30 hours,” Times reporter Bill Jackson said. “ I totally missed my deadline because I fell asleep during the original airing and had to watch it all again on You tube.”

Experts suggest that with the bills suggesting federal funding for presidential hopefuls that it is only a matter of time until everyone runs for the presidency, including most if not all of the population of Puerto Rico.

I have decided that I will again throw my hat into the ring. I will craft my platform and talking points in the next couple of days.

Notes From the News

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Lindsey Lohan is a drug addict and a drunk. This is one of the biggest stories in the news. I have yet to meet a person this actually effects but everyone seems to know about it.

The new Harry Potter book is out and everyone is reading it. It has been called the darkest of the books so far because of the gaggle of main characters that get the axe. Also, the ending is the predictable “happy ending” senerio that dictates modern books. Still, the Harry Potter series is the best of modern literature that there is. That is why I enjoy the classics. I will probably read the books at some point in time because I enjoy a good story.

David Beckham and Posh Spice, who apparently doesn’t know the Spice Girls, are no longer a group, have moved to America. This means for about 3 weeks, people all over the region in Southern California, where the team is from, will fain interest. That is unless he manages at his old age to win without any support what so ever. By the by, he has been here a week and he is already on the disabled list.

Michael Vick has found the best way to destroy the silver plate that life was being handed to him on. Now wither or not he is guilty of participation in a dog-fighting ring, his reputation has been more than tarnished. It has been completely dashed. Nike will most likely drop him even if he is acquitted. The relationship between Vick and the Falcons has almost completely deteriorated. Almost everyone is predicting he is done in Atlanta and some are speculating a life-time ban from pro football. Things could not be worse. He will end up in jail, penny-less and the most talented former-famous person ever! Celebrity Real World, here he comes.

An NBA ref is being investigated for betting on games he officiated and point shaving for the mob. I am sorry, but is this the freaking movies? Apparently this ref owed the mob a ton of money and they leaned on him to point shave. This is every conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. Things are not looking good in major league sports.

Speaking of things not looking good, Barry Bonds is chasing the biggest record in major league sports right now. He is two runs shy of tying Hank Aaron’s all time home run record. In comparison, Barry is about 3 times the size that Hank was when he took the record. With the allegations of steroid abuse and Barry Bond’s general F’ off attitude its hard to be excited about the record being broken. I would like to think he didn’t use steroids but at this point in time he looks really, really guilty. Couple that with the book of allegations and the leaked grand jury testimony, things aren’t looking good in major league sports right now.

Do you remember how the Coyotes’ (NHL) assistant coach ran an illegal gambling ring and how The Great One’s wife was involved? Yeah, that is every major sport in the US having a major controversy in the same year. Did I mention that things aren’t looking good in major league sports right now? No wonder kids are looking to Harry Potter, a fictional character, as a role model. It’s the only place they can look.

At this year’s ROTG there was great anticipation as Ethel Mermen was set to win her 3rd straight title. Ethel had been training hard between craft times at the home and was in the best shape of her life. That, coupled with her being the only contestant who had never had a hip replaced, made her the clear cut favorite.

When the gun went off most of the contestants started off the race with a quick nap before hitting the nearly 75 feet of isle that composes the course. Frank Williams was the first up from the nap but was easily sidetracked by a “really nice pair of gloves on sale for only 5.95”. He later added that “they can’t be making a penny on these.”

Ethel was one of the last people out of the nap but she quickly scooted past a majority of the field that had stopped to look at a puppy that was intermixed with the crowd. Ethel was sidetracked momentarily when she saw “a very nice blouse” but concluded, “No, no she just couldn’t”.

With the last 6 feet of the race left, it was just between Ethel Mermen, 2 time defending Champion, and Walt Fratter, a relative no-name from Kentucky. The battle was heated as Frank pulled out his wallet to use the classic grandchild diversion, but Ethel proved to seasoned to fall for such a trick.

After capturing her 3rd consecutive ROTG Championship we asked Ethel what she would do now. “Probably go to the hospital cause with that fall across the finish line, the one that made me win, I hurt both my hips something fierce.” Walt Fratter later added that he “liked the way that woman was put together and wouldn’t mind spending some time with her.”

Starbucks to Sell 'SNL' DVD Set

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Starbucks has announced they will sell an SNL DVD set at their stores. The set will be a “best of” series covering the fabled 06-07 run of the show. You can see such hits as… um… well there was the one with… no, wait… that was a rerun.

Well, this DVD set boasts 15 minutes of labored and barely earned laughs stemming from either sexual innuendo or racial epitaphs. The less than low caliber acting will drive people past the edge of their seats (presumably out of the room all together) as the often copied but never quite as dismal skits flicker on your home TVs.

This collectors DVD set will only be available at Starbucks. That is, until they try to unload the ones they couldn’t sell through every venue known to man or beast. As an added incentive, these DVDs will most likely be overpriced and are guaranteed to under amuse.

They will go on sale starting August 28th of this year and are expected to be in the dollar bin at Wal-Mart by the 30th.


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I would like to make a general plea to the men that work, not only in my office, but also in the building at large. Wash you hands! That is all.

A Chance Encounter

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I was walking down a staircase in the Target Center, when coming up the other direction and directly in my path was an older gentleman. There was nothing specifically notable about him except that the paper he was reading seemed to be the same color as the hair that sat atop his head. He was your regular old-fashioned working man that had come to the cusp of retirement and failed to make the leap to leisure from business conquests, all though I doubt very much with his décor that he was doing any concurring in the business sector at all.

One could surmise from his wide striped blue and white shirt that he had fallen short of his Wall Street dreams and had to settle for Junk Bond Way. His comfortable but completely out of style shoes told the tale of his coming of age a few years past his prime in an industry of under achievers who had been, none the less, downtrodden. Fashion was no longer the means to an end goal of some illustrious career but now only the law and a meager attempt at comfort.

As he rounded the bend of the stairs and began his ascension directly at me he paused from the newspaper glance up at me. You could see in his eyes the not altogether dissatisfaction of finding me in his sight but rather the general malaise of someone who has become accustomed to being disappointed.

He found a man where he had hoped, perhaps even dreamed, that he would find a women. With pouting lips and long blond hair being almost lost alongside her stiflingly blue eyes. He had even thought of the slender form almost lost behind two large rounded breasts and hips that told the tail of a glorious, even worship-able backside. All this he had hoped against hope to find rounding the corner on one of the stairs.

After all, he only took these walks on the off chance that he might find someone to share his time with, his soul with. That was the purpose for these damnable walking-style work shoes.

What he had failed to notice in all of the 45 years he had done this walk was that there was never the woman of this dreams coming down the stairs at him. Even if it was a women who could hold some kind of candle to the one he had pieced together from various magazines in a sophomoric collage during his college years, they were never alone, never giving him a chance to talk to them, strike up a conversation and a relationship.

After 45 years he hadn’t grasped that the failure wasn’t in his appearance or even his dreams but rather in his plan. Bumping into a women hardly makes her want to chat and who ever wants to have a meeting on a stairwell that lasts long enough to find ones “soul mate”, if the term holds an validity in reality.

Today was no different than any other day had been. Perhaps less blonde hair and breasts but the same unavoidable failure. Tomorrow as he straps on the same comfortable shoes and buttons up a similarly striped shirt, perhaps it will hit him that unless there is some considerable change in his routine his is doomed to replay the exact encounter of today but without the same visuals.

As he looked at me I could see the overwhelming dissatisfaction in himself. Yet, as it came to his opinion of me, its seemed as though he thanked me for not being hideously deformed. At least that is what I saw.


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Sorry I haven’t blogged much this week but I have been hard at work finishing my biggest task to date. I have been collecting belly button link to re-stuff my mattress with. It is a pretty impressive accomplishment and I am glad to finally be done with it.

Needless to say my belly button wasn’t producing enough to complete the project so I had to start scrounging. I don’t have to tell you that belly button link is the softest fiber known to man. It is 3 times softer than down and nobody is allergic to the BBL. The average BBL mattress costs nearly $30,000 and takes a year to make.

My mattress was getting bad and I couldn’t wait for that long.

It is an awkward conversation piece to ask a person for their belly button lint. Then once you get it, cleaning the lint poses a real problem because conventional washing machines destroy the softy goodness. I don’t want to give away all my secrets, so lets just say there was a clothesline with mesh bags full of lint hanging in the back yard.

Now I can slumber on the glories comfort of a multitude of humans’ belly lint. Truly I am one of the lucky ones.

Also, Today is Friday the Thirteenth and I have managed to burn off both my eyebrows in a bizarre and frightening printer toner accident. I hate superstitions.

503 Feet

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Last night Vladimir Guerrero, aka Vlad the Bad, hit a baseball 503 feet. It was during the home run derby contest. Let me put this into perspective. If you wanted to measure the distance using rulers you would need 503 of them.

That is a long way to hit a ball. Oh yeah and he won.

He practically hit the ball into the glove out in left/center field.

Rudy Giuliani wants your vote.

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He is totally serious, he wants your vote or he is going to bop you one right on the nose. Yeah, he will make your nose hurt and possibly even bleed if you don’t vote for him.

He also wants your campaign contributions. So if you don’t give them to him he will thump you on your chin and you won’t care for it. He will wallop you good and then you will regret not giving him your contributions.

He knows what you are thinking and he doesn’t care for it. He knows that you are leaning towards one of the other candidates and he wants you to understand the consequences for your actions. He will wallop you something fierce if you make the mistake of not doing what he tells you.

He stopped the terrorist and rebuilt New York in a day all by himself, so you better know that he can hurt you bad if you don’t pay attention. You had better vote for him. You had better send him a nice fat check. Or he will throttle you so bad you won’t know what from what.

Paid for by Rudy Giuliani for President.

Lyle P Miller

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May 19, 1985 - June 30, 2007

McConnell-Lyle P. Miller, 22, of McConnell, died Saturday, June 30, 2007, as a result of a car accident in Eleroy.

Born May 19, 1985 in Monroe, Wisconsin he was the son of Larry Miller and Karen (Bertram) Miller.

He graduated from Lena-Winslow High School in 2003 and received several certificates from Highland Community College Automotive Program.

He was presently working for Mediacom in Lena.

A trumpet player he enjoyed his involvement in the Lena- Winslow High School Band and the Highland Community College Band.

Lyle was known as a giving person with a heart of gold. For two years he shaved his head to support Kids for Cancer

He especially enjoyed time spent with his many friends and nieces and nephews.

His hobbies included working on the computer, watching movies, and snowmobiling.

Surviving are his parents of McConnell; his maternal grandparents, Paul and Margaret Bertram of Cedarville; four sisters, Janet (Hank) Euler of McConnell, Laurie (Ron) Oberle and Lisa (Justin) Wright both of Lena, and Kristi (Kevin) Neubauer of Cedarville; numerous nieces and nephews; and his beloved dog, Tobi.

He was preceded in death by his paternal grandparents; and an infant cousin.

Funeral service will be 2 p.m. Tuesday at the First Church of the Open Bible in Freeport with Reverend Burlis Parker officiating. Burial will be in the Chapel Hill Memorial Gardens.

Visitation will be Monday 5 to 8 p.m. at First Church of the Open Bible in Freeport.
In lieu of flowers memorials have been established for the Lena Winslow High School Band and the Highland Community College Band.



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