I can't help myself.

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Here is another Hasselhoff Video.

Does he understand that you don't have to use a green screen in your music video?

I doubt it.

David Hasselhoff Music Video

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Just go on and watch it. You know you want to.

Okay so my favorite part is when he starts dancing, but the whole things is absurd.

The women threw punches at each other and tossed items onto the road as they fought about 5 p.m. in the center lane of westbound Interstate Hwy. 694 near the Mississippi River and Hwy. 252 on the Brooklyn Park-Fridley border, the State Patrol said.

The altercation tied up traffic, and motorists attempted to drive around the scene until police arrived to break up the fight and clear the lanes.

It’s not clear what led to the scuffle. The women and a man were riding in the same vehicle.

Troopers arrived a short time later and arrested the women in middle of the freeway. They were taken to the Anoka County Jail, Lt. Mark Peterson of the State Patrol said. The man was not arrested.

“This was rather unusual,” Peterson said. “Obviously this is not the right way to handle this.”

I... Um...

Gerry Dick Press Conference

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Hey Everyone!

Let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Gerry Dick. Many of you may recognize me from the popular TV show Inside Indiana Business, a statewide business television program relating the important issues in Indiana Business.

Now I know that a lot of you probably have questions about what I do so I thought I would jump right into the question and answer segment.

Yes, you sir.

No, I don’t think that my position of power has given me a big head. I try to remain true to my roots and focus on what is important to the people who rely on Inside Indiana for the news that affects their business.

Okay and now your question Miss?

Well, Miss Johnson that is an important question. With the growing importance of have a good company figure head, many businesses hire people based on looks alone. Public image in this age is crucial to the businesses in Indiana.

And now you sir.

You know, I grew up just like any other kid with aspirations of being a fireman or an astronaut. I didn’t really have a dream of getting my face on TV. I was kinda shy growing up until I realized that I could add something to the discourse surrounding the modern business protocol in this great state.

Okay, and you have a question.

Yes, I realize that my head is nearly twice the size of a normal individuals head. Dang it all, I am trying to be professional here but all you see is that my head is very large. I can't do anything about it.

What is that sir?

Yes, I have seen the movie “So I Married an Axe Murderer.” I am familiar with the lines regarding the boy’s large head.

I am going to go now. I have a show to do and a great many people depend upon my knowledge.

Yes, the knowledge that I store in my gigantic head, bunch of ingrates.

(note: This story has not been altered... she is this nuts)
Songstress Sheryl Crow is calling for a limit on toilet paper.

The green minded singer Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be considered to help the environment, according to the BBC.

In an unheard of celebrity tutorial on mindful Earth friendly tips, Crow suggests using "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

The BBC unearthed this gem of information on her website.

Crow completed a tour while traveling on a biodiesel-powered bus. She teamed up with environmental activist Laurie David for the shows.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting...I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," Crow wrote reported the BBC.

"Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."

Crow has also commented on her website about how she thinks paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness" and come up with a clothing line with a "dining sleeve" that acts as an ersatz napkin.

I am curious, how does she plans to enforce this law?

Just plain Dumb.

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How many times have you heard someone moan “Ah, to be young and stupid!” Well this person clearly got the stupid right. Just a few days after the single worst college campus violence in our nation’s history many people have taken to threatening various schools with notes such as the one below that was found at the University of Minnesota Campus. There have been 10 such occurrences in the past couple of days. What is the appropriate punishment for this type of action?

The Tears of Virginia

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Shed your tears Virginia
For Fallen Friends
For the now faint, weak grasp of cold
That once was love.
For those who stood tall only now to lie in memory
Ponder the joy passed, reminisce
Feel this pain that none should grasp
Clear now your throats for the bellows of anguish
That hope would say never should be.
Stand tall Virginia, for those who stand no more.

Embrace this love that loss illuminates
Say the goodbyes to loves, hope, and peace.
For fear and sorrow now with you abide.
Yet your struggle will not be alone.
We stand beside you, behind you and for you.
The lives that have fallen are remembered
And you will not be forsaken.
We are here Virginia, but for now
Shed your tears.


42 and one other thing.

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Baseball celebrated the accomplishments of Jackie Robinson this weekend by letting anyone who wanted to wear the number 42 uniform for that one-day. Many teams had all of their players wearing number 42. First of all, great move by baseball. Way to, at least for one-day, bury all of the steroid scandle by celebrating something of actual value. What Robinson did was nothing short of revolutionary. Great move! Couldn’t have been a better decision. Secondly, I am only 25 years olds so the whole civil rights movement seems like a story out of a movie dealing with long ago. Considering this was only the 60s and some of the stupidity that was around then still lingers today… well, I am a white dude and it just makes me ashamed of my race. Kudos to MLB for getting one right.

Secondly, today is another one of those days where we all will remember what we were doing when we heard about Virginia Tech. On of the people I work with shouted out with disgust when the news story came up on the TV. What kind of world are we living in where we have a statistic like “worst school shooting”? If you have the time, offer up a prayer for the families, that school, our nation, and the future generations who will have to live with whatever it is we messed up so much to create this scenario.


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I don’t know why yet but I have been tremendously offended by you and require an admission of guilt and perhaps some sort of monetary reparation for the emotional scarring I endured at the hands of your tactlessness.

Yes, I am well aware of the reality that we have by no means met before and conceivably that is the source from whence this whole unpleasantness stems but I assure you that you are wide of the mark on this one and have displayed a gross omission in regards to my outlook.

My name is Ted and yours is?

Well Phillip, I think you need to understand the significance of hypersensitivity to the feelings of public you have never encountered. Just to put this into perspective, what if I was to use certain dangerously monstrous ethnic slurs in allusion to your genealogy. Then would I not, even having not met you, owe you something as reparation for damages rendered?

I comprehend that you didn’t articulate anything reminiscent of such an atrocity but I pledge you that your dealings were perceived just as grievous as that sort of an exploit.

I will not be bought out for some paltry fund. I have been wronged and now you have wronged me again! Have you no shame, Sir? You honor has been tarnished.

Okay, I will settle for a hundred bucks, but permit this be a lesson to you! Not all shall show the charity such as I.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year

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Yesterday announced the beginning of one of the most wonderful times of the year. There are only 3 to 4 times a year where this is applicable. The days following both Valentines Day and Halloween are the other two notables.

Yesterday was the first day of the post-holiday candy blowout sales. You can get you hands on candy at near bargain basement prices. I thought I would walk you through some dos and don’ts of this special time of the year.

The Speckled Malt Eggs

This are a must avoid candy. They have the texture and taste of pine cones that have been smothered in bear feces. I don’t care how cheap they are selling them for do not buy them.

The Candy Sugar Legos

Now buying these provides minutes of fun and 13 seconds of a sugar rush that could put you into the hospital. It is not recommended that you buy more than one bag of these. Otherwise you will have to throw one and a half bags away. You should be able to get a large bag of these for under 50 cents. Just wait until they drop the price down to the “if you don’t buy them, homeless people will” price range. If you are worried about them going bad, don’t. They have no discernable expiration date.

Sand People

Sand People are horrible Easter Candy. Even if they are giving them away don’t take any. If you do you will regret it!

The Chocolate Bunny

A classic Easter staple, this is the can’t go wrong choice for Easter candy. The only down side is that it takes the average person 3.23 years to consume a 16 ounce chocolate bunny. Just something to consider before you load your cart up with this treat.

Marshmallow Peep

Despite persistent beliefs, this is not actually a candy. Originally, scientists at Cal-Tech were searching for a new cushioning material for the space shuttle when they happened upon this gross sugary product. They sold it as an interesting toy, much like the smoke snakes that you can get at the local firecracker stand. Unfortunately, President Regan ate one on national television and the nation embraced the peep as a candy item.

Religious Candy
Now religious candy seems like the natural progression of the mixture of pagan retiuals and religious holidays but you need to avoid the mixture of the two. Imagine how hard it will be to explain to your child how the Easter bunny fits into the resurrection story. Best to leave the two separate.

Reese’s Easter Egg
The holy grail of Easter candy. Buy as many as you can afford. You won’t regret it.

I have a question to ask you.

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I have to ask you a tough question and I need to you be serious.

I have to know the truth and whom else can I turn to?

Just promise me you won’t laugh at me, okay?

I am very sensitive about this subject.

Be honest now… remember you promised not to laugh.

(Page Down)

Does this blog make me look fat?

Yeah, well you’re no spring chicken either.

Welcome to Quiznos...

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Hello and welcome to Quiznos, what type of sandwich would you like? A foot-long. Okay, and what type of meat would you like on your sub. All right, chicken, small field mice, dead bird, and rabbit. Any cheese… no, okay. Do you want it toasted? You don’t like fire. Well this doesn’t have any fire. It is a coil… wow you jumped into the beverage cooler. Okay, you don’t want a hot sub. I get it. All right, any veggies. No, you don’t like the veggies either huh? Not a big fan myself. Any sauces. I don’t have a blood sauce but I could ring out the empty steak bag. There should be some blood in that. I got to be honest, we don’t sell a lot of these subs. Okay and your total is… Holy Crap! You’re a coyote? How did you get into downtown Chicago? You took the L. Well at least you are utilizing our transit system. Way to be environmentally conscious.

Artist Cosimo Cavallaro decided this year Easter would be different. He wanted to bring the joy of Easter candy closer to the true meaning for the season while being controversial. Well done, Cosimo, you have managed to pull it off.

Cosimo, the Canadian-born artist known for using food ingredients in his art, decided that it would be a good idea to create a life sized and anatomically correct Jesus sculpture out of chocolate. The sculpture depicts Christ in the form he would have been in when he was hanging on the cross.

Naturally, like any self-respecting artist, needed to kick it up a couple of notches for the controversy aspect. So he made the mold completely bald and clean shaven. Nope, that wasn’t enough. People would just say that he didn’t understand the cultural heritage of the Jewish people.

But what else could he do to create the stir around his seemingly retarded idea that would launch him as a respectable artist instead of deluded moron? Naked. The chocolate Christ had to be naked and maintain his anatomically correct figure. That right. There is a chocolate ho-ha.

Okay now that is controversial but Cosimo needed best plateform to launch his newly created masterpiece. So as any Christian hating artist would he planned to display “My Sweet Lord”, the pieces name, in a hotel in New York for the week before Easter.

Catholic League head Bill Donohue called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever". "The fact that they chose Holy Week shows this is calculated, and the timing is deliberate," Mr Donohue said. Naturally the responses poured in to the hotel in the form of angry emails and telephone calls. In the current climate of America it is important to be sensitive of all religious beliefs. Why not Christian beliefs?

Matt Semler, the gallery's creative director, said, "We're obviously surprised by the overwhelming response and offence people have taken." "We are certainly in the process of trying to figure out what we're going to do next." Mr Semler said the timing of the exhibition was coincidental and suggest that he had no idea a national holiday was going to take place that week.

Shortly after intial disgust was mentioned to the hotel, in order to be respectful, the display was canceled. The gallery's creative director, Matt Semler, resigned in protest at the cancellation. No one really noticed though because the national holiday will still take place.

Cosimo stated that other countries have already volunteered to host his art display and many people have offered him money to help with the eventual shows costs.

Currently Cosimo has the chocolate Christ in a freezer truck in an undisclosed location fearing that offended people and women recently out of a bad relationship would turn to this Christ to easy their pain.

A buddy of mine named Kevin recently had a bit of misfortune. Without getting into the nitty-gritty of the whole deal, apparently that sort of thing can get you in a whole heap of trouble, it is far to say that someone took Kevin behind the old shed and had their way with his finances. More directly the finances surrounding his house, unless saying that can get me into some sort of trouble, in which case I roundly deny the previous sentence claiming that it evolved from a lesser sentence about primates.

So anyway Kevin, because he is smarter than say the gum that you just spat out for its weak and somewhat tepid flavor, decided to see if anyone else had received a similar shed related experience when it comes to there finances. He found many people with very sore wallets and pocketbooks. They were all hiding in their recently extremely expensive basements and crying from the pain that they had endured. Kevin stormed into their houses suggesting that they together could go back behind the woodshed and retrieve their financial manhood.

Reason would suggest that a band of brothers was instantly formed with Kevin as their leader. But alas the individuals who had been financially deflowered were the religious types who believe that God died so they could endure every atrocity known to man. That way these super-believers could be closer to God thru suffering. Their suffering would be paying more for their houses and having to give up HBO for a year or two. Not quite what God had to endure.

More to the point is that these religious zealots give all religious people the “stupid” rap. That is the one where anyone who wants to sell or buy anything plays you like a violin because they know that you love God so therefore you are a patsy. There is no 11th commandment saying “thou shall let everyone take advantage of your finances behind the woodshed”.

I know that will be hard for some of you so here is another thought. If you let them get away with highway robbery then they will do it to someone else, so it is your civic duty and also a way to show your love to you neighbor by protecting them from the big bad wolf and his financial huff and puff.

If you don’t understand my point I am sorry but if I elaborate any more I will get sued for having a 1st amendment right.



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