The Chinese calendar, as we all know, has animal symbols to represent the year. This year is The Year of the Rat. Doesn’t sound very pleasant. It sounds like this is the year that the mob will finally be taken down by somebody ratting everyone out.

The current calendar needs a little brushing up. The left hand column is the way it currently goes. To the right of each of the originals I have added my new suggestions. I am trying to make them sound a little more awesome.

Rat - Mutant Ninja Swordsman
Ox - Romping Herd of Marauders
Tiger - Blood-soaked Tiger
Rabbit - Violent Torso Vapor
Dragon - Two-Ton Venom Dragon
Snake - Red Eyed Destructor Snake
Horse - The Medieval Torcher Volcano
Sheep - Flesh Feasting Wraith
Monkey - Knife Wielding Drunken Monkey Troup
Rooster - Nazi Killer Whales
Dog - Razor-Toothed Attack Hound
Boar - River of Boiling Blood

The tiger, snake and dragon weren’t too bad but they needed a little help.

Just think of it though. Instead of being born in the year of the rabbit. Now you can be born in the year of the Violent Torso Vapor. Man, that sounds so cool. Or is someone asked you what year it was you could tell them it’s the year of The Medieval Torcher Volcano!

I imagine the Chinese government will make the offical move in about 20 days or so. They have to have the printed materials ready to sell for when they make the announcement and that could take two weeks or so.

Yet again, I have done an immeasurable service to the world. I would like 2% of the profit. That is all I am asking. If you would like I could make a chick friendly Chinese Calendar as well.