This time of year people tend to make outlandish promises to the people living in their mirrors. Some go as far as to promise the losing of in excess of 6 pounds and 3 of the people living in their own head. As we all know no person has ever lost over 6 pounds. It is physically impossible scientifically speaking.

I have made some rather modest resolutions this year in hopes of not having to explain why I failed to achieve my own goals. It wasn’t always this way. I have made some crazy ascertains before and had to bear the brunt of ridicule from my inner child and various children who are not in me. Some adults said things too but I don’t listen to adults.

So the question that has been brought to me is how to escape these various ordeals without getting toasted. I am going to be real with you here. Most likely you will utterly fail and look really stupid and lose the respect of various 3 year olds, but if you follow my directions exactly you have a chance of getting out of it unscathed.

1.) Cry. Never underestimate the power of tears. Even if they only confuse the person who confronted you they will have served their purpose.

2.) Run Away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and the screams grow fainter.

3.) Try a bribe. For younger children I recommend having a zagnut bar on you at all times. The only downside to this approach is you will most likely have eaten the zagnut before the occasion to need it arises.

4.) Spit on the person. Nothing distracts a person quite like having fluids from another individual launched onto any part of their own self.

5.) Scream for help (only do this if you are in a crowded place). The desire for nobody else to know that they are there will overwhelm the person into dropping the subject. If they like the attention this will backfire and the person will share your shortcomings with everyone there.

As you can see it is a tenuous situation to get yourself into. Your best bet is to lock yourself into your house and never come out. That is unless you set easily attainable goals for your New Years Resolutions. Either way it would probably be better for you if you just stayed in your house. We would all appreciate it.