It has come to my attention that I haven’t posted in this blog for a while. Well, umm, I don’t really have a ton of free time. Okay so I have neglected my .024 weekly readers on average for too long but take hope my one tenth of a quarter children. I am getting a new job that will in fact allow me the time to continue making you waste a good few minutes of your life that you will never get back. Speaking of jobs I decided to include this section as a precursor to the new job that I am getting.

Jobs that I would stab you for (yes, you personally):

Firstly would be Food Critic. You get to eat at the best places for free and the next day you get to bash the people who gave you free food because the moron running the kitchen burnt the crème Brule. He burnt the frigging crème Brule? This is what you get when you let a Germen Sheppard cook in your kitchens.

Next would be a Retired Actor (movies, not that Broadway, prancing about stuff). I don’t know if being retired actually counts as an occupation but they really do whatever they want and go to a lot of parties. I just want to specify that I don’t want to be like a Tim Robins type guy who prognosticates about things he has no idea about. I would rather be the charity, anti-Dixie Chicks, pro our troops type of star that is actually not a pain to listen to when he accepts an award.

I would rock as a Professional Singer/Songwriter. Now I can’t play any instruments and I can sing but I think the quality of my voice would be up for vast debate. I certainly don’t think that I am well suited to stand in front of large crowds either but I really want to hang out with Toby Keith and make fun of people who are stupid. Yeah, Toby Keith would be like my pal and he would write about fighting some guy and I jumped in then we totally won. Yeah, that’s what would happen.

I really want to be a Professional Football or Basketball Coach. I just want the seats to the games. Imagine it. Courtside seats to all the games and unlimited autographs from the players on your team. I would be the coach for the Timber Wolves and have Kevin Garnet autograph everything I own. You would walk into the house and the walls would be covered with Kevin’s autographs and he would be passed out on the floor with a Sharpe in his cramped hand. Oh yeah, and I would total steal game balls and jerseys and stuff. I would wear jerseys every day because I would have so many.

Santa Clause has it made. I would love to be the “Jolly Old Elf”. He has been eating only milk and cookies for like 300 years and nobody gives him any guff for his eating habits. I have ice cream more than once a week and suddenly I am going to die in my bed next week from complications from irregular heart palpitations. Yeah I would be like eating cookies flavored like steak and drinking chocolate shakes and I wouldn’t have to worry about getting fat because that would be part of my job. Girls everywhere would be like “You are looking so hot with that nice jolly stomach, Santa. Can I go for a ride with you in your sleigh?” Chicks totally dig sleighs.

A Professional Athlete would be a natural fit for me because I am so competitive that I time my showers to see if I can shave off a few seconds. Now some people think that being competitive is bad because you can’t enjoy the game for what it is. I say that sounds a lot like what a loser would say.

If I were to be a High School Janitor I think I would be very happy, because if you didn’t really do your job you could just blame it on “kids these days.” The principal would be all up in my grill like “Hey Walter, why isn’t there any tissue paper in the bathrooms?” then I would be all like “Kids keep stealing the papers to roll up their joints or something.” Then he would be all like “What’s going on with the library man. There is so much dust in there the librarian keeps having asthma attacks and wont go in there anymore.” Then I would totally slap the principal and be like “Worthless kids these days stole the vacuum cleaner and keep bringing in their dust from home trying to straight front on me, Yo! Something has got to done about them kids. You feel me?” That would truly be the life.

All of these jobs would be great. I would totally stab you for any off them. Actually come to think of it, I am just going to stab you next time I see you. It can’t hurt. Well, it can’t hurt me.