Tis the season for general aches and pains, as well as the headache that comes from children screaming for no reason. Back pain from lifting the boxes of ornaments from the bottom shelf in storage. Sore arms from stringing lights up over your head for 13 straight hours in sub-zero degree weather. Yep, nothing says it’s the holidays like pain relievers and muscle relaxers.

So to get myself into the Christmas spirit, I turned on some Nat King Cole and slipped in the shower, imprinting the side of the tub onto my lower back. Then I wiggled and writhed in pain as I watched my wife put the hundreds of teddy bear ornaments I have collected over the years onto our tree.

My wife applied Icy-Hot to my back about 3 times a day all weekend and I have been taking the maximum allotted amounts of ibuprofen. I sat on the couch playing video games until my mind audibly yelled at me via a small speaker I had installed in the back of my skull (and my doctor told me that I would never use it).

“Get up!” it yelled. So I got up. Then I fell back down in pain. “Okay, crawl to the bedroom. We just need to move a little bit.” So I crawled back to the bedroom and laid facedown on the bed for a while.

I am planning on getting mauled by a bear on Christmas Eve. That way I can fully enjoy the Holiday season. What are you going to do for Christmas? What are your traditions? Are you going to get targeted in a drive by?

Happy 15 days till Christmas you mobile miscreants!