In great holiday fashion, I am once again forced to write down a list of things I want and then be greatly disappointed when all I get is socks with crazy cars on them.

Now I don’t just run amuck, putting every thing I might eventually want on this list. There are careful considerations to be addressed.

Things to consider:
1.) How many chances are there for somebody to get you something close but at the same time something that you would never use. Chances are pretty freaking high for almost everything.
2.) Are you going to want this before Christmas? Yes, and knowing you there is only a slight chance that when you see it on sale you won’t just buy it, telling yourself nobody was going to get it for you anyway. What you got to ask yourself is, do I really need two of these? If the answer is yes, put it on your list.
3.) No matter how much a person likes you they will not just give you a gift card. The simple answer is to not participate in Christmas and therefore not get anything you don’t want. The reality is that you will get something you hate. Inevitably the item you despise will come from a checker, a person who asks you how much you like the woolen elephant mittens they got for you, a 35 year old single male. This person will check your coat to make sure that you have them with you at all times. There is only one way to deal with this issue. Carry them around for a year, telling the attractive women you encounter that your little niece gave them to you before she surrendered to cancer. After a year, douse the mittens with bacon fat and feed them to your dog. Take the remaining scrapes back to the person who gave them to you crying and explain how your dog ate them. You may need to make sure that they don’t make the mittens anymore before you do this or you run the risk of getting another pair.
4.) Let’s face facts. There is nothing that you really want that is in the price range of the people buying you gifts. Ask for DVDs that you have seen and wouldn’t mind getting (you will need double of DVDs for when people borrow them. People don’t borrow DVDs to bring them back. They borrow them for keeps.). Jeans are also a good, safe gift request. Make sure you include the size you need or you will get a pair that has been made for an amputee cow.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year if you know how to make it that way.