It is about this time of the year where ever little boy and girl and 34-year-old still living in their parents attic wonder exactly what is Old Saint Nick up to these days. Well I thought it would be beneficial to track this dude down and see what exactly he is up too. Now finding Saint Nick isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world, as you might think. I tried calling all of the major resorts in the Caribbean only to come to the conclusion that the fat old elf is using an alias.

Turns out when ever he is out and about, according to the North Pole Public Affairs Coordinator Terry Winkle (Yeah, I know. What a dumb name for an elf, right?), Santa prefers to use an alias so that he doesn’t have to deal with the kids. Turns out much like most parents Santa wants only limited amount of time with children.

So I went about to track this lardo down. I uncovered a faint trail in Costa Rica. There was a tale about a large man in a full body red swimming suit hassling 18-year-old women on the beach for being “quite naughty”. No complaint was filed. I decided this was a good place to start.

By the time I had arrived the man had been gone for almost two weeks. I checked his hotel bill to find an exorbitant room service bill consisting mostly of milk and cookies. I no longer had any doubts that I had found my man. The trail next led me to Trinidad, the largest and most southern of the island chain. There the trail went seeming cold for almost two days until I found a small fishing hut that a large pasty white man with a gigantic beard had rented the week before. Turns out that our “Jolly Old Elf” had been inspecting a new toy that was popular to the region and negotiated the acquisition of the original plans.

From there the man went to the Galapagos Islands and was joined by a large but cute woman for a week according to the bellhop. But they had left the night before to join a toy convention in Japan. Again the room service bill was a cluster of milk, cookies, and hot cocoa, a seldom-ordered treat in that climate.

It was in Japan that I finally came across the fresh trail of Santa Clause. I had found out from the previous 3 locations that Santa and Mrs. Clause were traveling under the identity of Steven and Julie Fortmoth, a couple who own a novelty toy shop in Aspen. I found them at the toy convention and confronted them.

Of course they begged me to keep their secret in exchange for an interview late in the holiday season. So you can look forward to an indepth interview right before Christmas this year. And it looks like Santa only takes about 4 to 5 weeks of vacation and the rest is spend hunting down new toy concepts and designs. He isn’t in Japan anymore because the toy convention is over but I did hear him mention something about a tour in Europe to find the latest in model airplanes. So if you see a Mr. Fortmoth in Europe looking at model plans, you should probably just leave him alone. He is pretty busy.