Minneapolis has a serious problem that is growing at nearly the rate of y=cos(.85x)+1.6x per day. That problem is nerds. In their roving street groups know as “NERDS!!!!” these intellectual giants have been administering random audits and periodically braking into binary solos in an urban environment not ready for their edgy thesis papers.

Many scientists have failed to speculate on what is causing the nerd uprising because they themselves are participating in the movement. In hopes of finding out the secret to the popular nerd bulrush on society many laboratories have been flooded with sociologist attempting to find what pushed them from the lab to the slab.

One simple cause and effect analysis points to the growing libido of scientist since the increase of beverage stimulus into their natural habitats.

“Nerds are consuming more Red Bull than ever,” local 7-11 Terry Williams noted, “And I heard one of them saying that their chances of encountering females interested in their genital would have to nearly triple by the minute just by leaving the lab.”

It is commonly know that female scientists are not interested in procreation of their own species, but is the simple fact that there are more women outside the lab pulling these social outcasts from behind their microscopes and into a bar stool?

What is clear is that simply removing the scientist from the lab doesn’t address the underlying problem of nerds’ social ineptitudes.

Man on the street Franklin Johnson comments, “They hit on women saying stuff like, for you I would let pie equal 3.15. Man, you cannot pick up a chick like that. You can tell them about pie, you got to buy them pie so they can eat it. You should probably buy them some drinks too, especially if you look like me… Can you edit that part out?

The speculation will undoubtedly continue until a sell out scientist writes a book about it and becomes famous thereby garnishing him the worship of various gold diggers and tramps. Other scientists will make remarks about quality of research over quantity and the author/scientist will be discredited by his peers well after he has passed away.