Below I posted one of the hardest experiences of my existence. It cut through me with such easy yet managed to damage nearly all of my being. Its lasting effect, however, is proof that “He works all things together for good”.
To be fair I did ask for it. It’s a bit weird to admit that I asked for pain but I did. It was a few weeks before Valentines Day on that particular year. I was convinced that my gal loved me and that we would be married. I had the car that I wanted (my favorite car at the time). I also had a job designing houses, which was what I loved to do. I knew that God has blessed me and I felt a comfort that was eerie.
So I did what any foolish man would do. I asked God to take away the distractions. I didn’t know what I meant by it but I felt as thought God was there but not as richly and thick (if that is a way to describe the presence of God) as he had been. Now when I asked Him to take away the distractions I didn’t think it would mean the eventual results but I prayed in earnest for Him to be closer and more real.
I only had one solid Christian friend at the time but to be honest our interaction mostly revolved around pizza and movies. So clearly I needed to be surrounded by people of greater conviction.
So I prayed that prayer and presto… everything was gone. Not really everything but the comfort was gone that is for sure. The car didn’t work, I left my friends and moved up to Minnesota, and my gal, at the time, left me (see account given below). I had paid, in my mind, a heavy price.
How low was it? How far did God have to strip me down? It was my 21st Birthday. I didn’t have really any friends in Minnesota yet (hard to imagine if you know how outgoing I am). My parents were out of town, so instead of having any kind of party, I got home from work and sat watching TV by myself all night long. It’s a sad mental image but true nonetheless. I thought about walking to the local bar and having a drink. I was of age, but I couldn’t muster up the strength to look so pathetic as to be out by myself on my birthday.
I remember feeling alone. I had a lot of extra time, so I asked a man from our church to disciple me. He chose the mornings before work. I had to get up and be at the restaurant at 6. I loved my sleep but figured it was time to grasp my faith and make it my own.
I had done something like that in college. I mean I really sought out God but nearly two years had passed and I never sought him out through his word. So I went to these meetings at the crack of before dawn and we would discuss everything biblical. The best part about this training was that this fellow wouldn’t give me the answers but instead he would just challenge me to find out what I believed about God himself.
I had some friends but not many devote ones. One week at church a guy asked if anyone wanted to come over to his house for a bible study. A group of twenty-somethings gathering to study The Word? It was going to be a complete nerd fest but at least the topic, the bible, interested me and I wanted to be challenged in my own faith.
I went and there I met Ryan Moore. Now normally I don’t use real names on my blog but this man was used by God to help me and I think it deserves a nod. He was a weird kinda fella, always using fart jokes and playing video games, but all in all he was real and the Word was visibly important to him. Now I call him weird but if you have read this blog for any amount of time you understand that I am also incredibly weird. We hit it off pretty much right away.
I must admit it didn’t hurt that his sister was attractive and I had a crush on her for a while. I wasn’t in any place to be dating yet so I never made a move toward her but her brother became one of my best friends.
Well one day after work I went over to his place. We were planning on going to a movie and I hadn’t eaten yet so I was thinking that we would run out to eat. I walk in the door and there was this girl there. She was an old friend of Ryan’s and she asked us to come play sports with her friends from church. Ryan and I were always competitive, probably too competitive but needless to say we went.
That is how I found The Rock, the church I attended. When I prayed to God and asked him to remove all the distractions he did and then after he brought me to himself he placed me amongst people my own age who actually lived out their convictions. The believed the Bible and did what it said.
Eventually he put a young gal named Gina in my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have her. She is mature and real and loves the Lord. I know that I am supposed to be funny but I couldn’t write that sad story without sharing how it was eventually used.
I do find it funny that my ex-gal had already planned on leaving me before I asked God to take away the distractions. Makes me think he might know what is going to happen before it does. Anyway, I wouldn’t change a thing if I could go back. The pain changed me into the man I am today. The trail brought me closer to God and into the arms of a gal so great it takes my breath away. The journey landed me in the middle of a group of people who live out their faith despite being young and wild.
Think pain has no benefits? It doesn’t if your only reward is in this world, but if you place your hope in heavenly things there is no telling how grateful you will become for some of the hardest things you have to endure.
And just so you know I am still funny, “Butterflickel”
To be fair I did ask for it. It’s a bit weird to admit that I asked for pain but I did. It was a few weeks before Valentines Day on that particular year. I was convinced that my gal loved me and that we would be married. I had the car that I wanted (my favorite car at the time). I also had a job designing houses, which was what I loved to do. I knew that God has blessed me and I felt a comfort that was eerie.
So I did what any foolish man would do. I asked God to take away the distractions. I didn’t know what I meant by it but I felt as thought God was there but not as richly and thick (if that is a way to describe the presence of God) as he had been. Now when I asked Him to take away the distractions I didn’t think it would mean the eventual results but I prayed in earnest for Him to be closer and more real.
I only had one solid Christian friend at the time but to be honest our interaction mostly revolved around pizza and movies. So clearly I needed to be surrounded by people of greater conviction.
So I prayed that prayer and presto… everything was gone. Not really everything but the comfort was gone that is for sure. The car didn’t work, I left my friends and moved up to Minnesota, and my gal, at the time, left me (see account given below). I had paid, in my mind, a heavy price.
How low was it? How far did God have to strip me down? It was my 21st Birthday. I didn’t have really any friends in Minnesota yet (hard to imagine if you know how outgoing I am). My parents were out of town, so instead of having any kind of party, I got home from work and sat watching TV by myself all night long. It’s a sad mental image but true nonetheless. I thought about walking to the local bar and having a drink. I was of age, but I couldn’t muster up the strength to look so pathetic as to be out by myself on my birthday.
I remember feeling alone. I had a lot of extra time, so I asked a man from our church to disciple me. He chose the mornings before work. I had to get up and be at the restaurant at 6. I loved my sleep but figured it was time to grasp my faith and make it my own.
I had done something like that in college. I mean I really sought out God but nearly two years had passed and I never sought him out through his word. So I went to these meetings at the crack of before dawn and we would discuss everything biblical. The best part about this training was that this fellow wouldn’t give me the answers but instead he would just challenge me to find out what I believed about God himself.
I had some friends but not many devote ones. One week at church a guy asked if anyone wanted to come over to his house for a bible study. A group of twenty-somethings gathering to study The Word? It was going to be a complete nerd fest but at least the topic, the bible, interested me and I wanted to be challenged in my own faith.
I went and there I met Ryan Moore. Now normally I don’t use real names on my blog but this man was used by God to help me and I think it deserves a nod. He was a weird kinda fella, always using fart jokes and playing video games, but all in all he was real and the Word was visibly important to him. Now I call him weird but if you have read this blog for any amount of time you understand that I am also incredibly weird. We hit it off pretty much right away.
I must admit it didn’t hurt that his sister was attractive and I had a crush on her for a while. I wasn’t in any place to be dating yet so I never made a move toward her but her brother became one of my best friends.
Well one day after work I went over to his place. We were planning on going to a movie and I hadn’t eaten yet so I was thinking that we would run out to eat. I walk in the door and there was this girl there. She was an old friend of Ryan’s and she asked us to come play sports with her friends from church. Ryan and I were always competitive, probably too competitive but needless to say we went.
That is how I found The Rock, the church I attended. When I prayed to God and asked him to remove all the distractions he did and then after he brought me to himself he placed me amongst people my own age who actually lived out their convictions. The believed the Bible and did what it said.
Eventually he put a young gal named Gina in my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have her. She is mature and real and loves the Lord. I know that I am supposed to be funny but I couldn’t write that sad story without sharing how it was eventually used.
I do find it funny that my ex-gal had already planned on leaving me before I asked God to take away the distractions. Makes me think he might know what is going to happen before it does. Anyway, I wouldn’t change a thing if I could go back. The pain changed me into the man I am today. The trail brought me closer to God and into the arms of a gal so great it takes my breath away. The journey landed me in the middle of a group of people who live out their faith despite being young and wild.
Think pain has no benefits? It doesn’t if your only reward is in this world, but if you place your hope in heavenly things there is no telling how grateful you will become for some of the hardest things you have to endure.
And just so you know I am still funny, “Butterflickel”
Labels: Something Real
I am not feeling funny today. Not in the slightest. I had some old pains stirred up and apparently I haven’t dealt with them yet because they are as fresh as the day I got them. I will tell you the story, but I ask you to remember that I can only tell my side of the story. I cannot relate what she was feeling or thinking. Only my thoughts, hopes and eventual pain.
When I went to college at Bethel I meet and started pursing a lovely young gal, we will call her Condoleezza Rice. While I was pursuing Ms. Rice I found out that a “friend” of mine was interested in her as well. I already wanted to be with her so I continued to pursue her.
Right before Christmas break she agreed to date me. This was my first relationship and naturally I went completely head over heals for her. She was beautiful and fun.
At the end of my first year at Bethel I realized I wouldn’t be coming back to school there probably ever again, but Ms. Rice and I continued to date. She flew down to visit me and I drove up to visit her on many occasions. This friend was always hanging out with us and wanted to date Ms. Rice’s girlfriend roommate at one time (she was a very pretty and intelligent young woman).
I promised to come up to visit her on her birthday. I was packed and leaving school when a librarian with wooden teeth (or so they appeared to be) blew a stop sign and t-boned my car. It was destroyed and I went to the hospital with back pain. She was crushed. I was in pain. I am not completely sure but I think that this was the turning point.
This “friend” who like Ms. Rice from the beginning writes her a very long letter explaining why she should leave me for him. Ms. Rice emails me the letter and says that there is nothing to worry about. I wanted to come up and dish out some “leave my gal alone” but she asks me not to, tells me I have nothing to worry about and I comply with her wishes. (If you cannot see this coming you are as dense as I was)
I went up to visit her for Christmas. We spent all of our time together and I thought things were going well. In hindsight she was very distant sometimes. I perceived it to be her lost in thought. She didn’t want to talk about it.
Valentines day is rapidly approaching and I am starting to make plans to ask Ms. Rice to marry me. I am picking out a 96 silver Ford Mustang convertible (her favorite car) to put the ring into. The ring I was talking to a jeweler about having made. I had designed it for her.
Well its two day before Valentines Day and I am shopping for gifts. I go home and she calls. Something is wrong. She talks about her confusion and about wanting some space. She tells me its just a time out. I am crushed. I stay up all night crying with my family and go to work the next morning.
Over the next few weeks I am still devastated. I go to work, do what I need to, then go home and crawl under my bed, pushing boxes in front of me so I can hide. I cry for hours on end. I want to talk to my best friend, the person that I always talk to when things are wrong, but when I call Ms. Rice she says I am being unfair.
Finally I delete her number from my phone. I cannot bear this anymore. I begin to hate all women for being trite and shallow. I surmise that she left me because of the long distance relationship and because we couldn’t hold each other every day. I know it was part of the problem.
My dad gets a job up in Minnesota and I decide to move. I don’t know if it was because Ms. Rice was up there and I thought if we were close we could get back together. I am telling myself it is a sign from God. We move within 15 miles of Ms. Rice. There are other reasons for wanting to move.
I find out that Ms. Rice was going over to my “friend’s” place while we were still dating and they were spending a lot of time together and were even cuddling up together. That hurts. She cheated on me… by my standards at least.
I still hold out hope. I believe that she and I are destined to be together. That is until I find out she is going to marry my “friend”. They got engaged within 5 months of Ms. Rice breaking up with me. Yet, another dagger driven right through my heart. They were dating when we were. At least that is the way I see it.
I go over the whole thing with a guy who was mentoring me. We talk about the end and basically I should have seen it coming. But my heart didn’t want to believe it. That was the last time I thought about her until last night. I dreamt I saw her at a basketball game and we talked. It brought back this flood of pain.
I was talking with a buddy last night who was going thru a pretty rough stint. He was supposed to get married and she called it off. He lost a lot of money in the deal but I doubt very much that was the hard part. I think that is what dragged these feelings back out of me.
I am supposed to get married this fall. It will be 6 ½ years since Ms. Rice and I really want to make sure my past doesn’t affect my future with my gal.
I am not sure that is all I have to say on it but at least that is all I have to say now.
When I went to college at Bethel I meet and started pursing a lovely young gal, we will call her Condoleezza Rice. While I was pursuing Ms. Rice I found out that a “friend” of mine was interested in her as well. I already wanted to be with her so I continued to pursue her.
Right before Christmas break she agreed to date me. This was my first relationship and naturally I went completely head over heals for her. She was beautiful and fun.
At the end of my first year at Bethel I realized I wouldn’t be coming back to school there probably ever again, but Ms. Rice and I continued to date. She flew down to visit me and I drove up to visit her on many occasions. This friend was always hanging out with us and wanted to date Ms. Rice’s girlfriend roommate at one time (she was a very pretty and intelligent young woman).
I promised to come up to visit her on her birthday. I was packed and leaving school when a librarian with wooden teeth (or so they appeared to be) blew a stop sign and t-boned my car. It was destroyed and I went to the hospital with back pain. She was crushed. I was in pain. I am not completely sure but I think that this was the turning point.
This “friend” who like Ms. Rice from the beginning writes her a very long letter explaining why she should leave me for him. Ms. Rice emails me the letter and says that there is nothing to worry about. I wanted to come up and dish out some “leave my gal alone” but she asks me not to, tells me I have nothing to worry about and I comply with her wishes. (If you cannot see this coming you are as dense as I was)
I went up to visit her for Christmas. We spent all of our time together and I thought things were going well. In hindsight she was very distant sometimes. I perceived it to be her lost in thought. She didn’t want to talk about it.
Valentines day is rapidly approaching and I am starting to make plans to ask Ms. Rice to marry me. I am picking out a 96 silver Ford Mustang convertible (her favorite car) to put the ring into. The ring I was talking to a jeweler about having made. I had designed it for her.
Well its two day before Valentines Day and I am shopping for gifts. I go home and she calls. Something is wrong. She talks about her confusion and about wanting some space. She tells me its just a time out. I am crushed. I stay up all night crying with my family and go to work the next morning.
Over the next few weeks I am still devastated. I go to work, do what I need to, then go home and crawl under my bed, pushing boxes in front of me so I can hide. I cry for hours on end. I want to talk to my best friend, the person that I always talk to when things are wrong, but when I call Ms. Rice she says I am being unfair.
Finally I delete her number from my phone. I cannot bear this anymore. I begin to hate all women for being trite and shallow. I surmise that she left me because of the long distance relationship and because we couldn’t hold each other every day. I know it was part of the problem.
My dad gets a job up in Minnesota and I decide to move. I don’t know if it was because Ms. Rice was up there and I thought if we were close we could get back together. I am telling myself it is a sign from God. We move within 15 miles of Ms. Rice. There are other reasons for wanting to move.
I find out that Ms. Rice was going over to my “friend’s” place while we were still dating and they were spending a lot of time together and were even cuddling up together. That hurts. She cheated on me… by my standards at least.
I still hold out hope. I believe that she and I are destined to be together. That is until I find out she is going to marry my “friend”. They got engaged within 5 months of Ms. Rice breaking up with me. Yet, another dagger driven right through my heart. They were dating when we were. At least that is the way I see it.
I go over the whole thing with a guy who was mentoring me. We talk about the end and basically I should have seen it coming. But my heart didn’t want to believe it. That was the last time I thought about her until last night. I dreamt I saw her at a basketball game and we talked. It brought back this flood of pain.
I was talking with a buddy last night who was going thru a pretty rough stint. He was supposed to get married and she called it off. He lost a lot of money in the deal but I doubt very much that was the hard part. I think that is what dragged these feelings back out of me.
I am supposed to get married this fall. It will be 6 ½ years since Ms. Rice and I really want to make sure my past doesn’t affect my future with my gal.
I am not sure that is all I have to say on it but at least that is all I have to say now.
Labels: Something Real
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