Au Bon Pain: The Review


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Pronounced Awe Bon… whatever. The first time anyone wonders into this particular bistro/ high school gymnasium, they will undoubtedly feel an overwhelming sense of fear as they come to realize that they will never emerge alive.

This place is always packed so I am expecting something of a culinary wonder for merry pennies. After 14 minutes of wondering around racks that seemed to have been organized for Ray Charles, I figure out that this store is based off of the preface that people tend to wander about aimlessly for hours.

Okay so I finally figure out how this bloody place works. There is a sheet that makes little to no sense and you order from there. The “chef” or the person who puts the ingredients into whatever package you requests calls a taller very attractive women up to tell her that the item she ordered from the menu isn’t available. It was recently put on the menu and won’t be available until tomorrow. I should have been able to pick up on this but I didn’t.

I went to grab a juice only to find the previously mentioned attractive women having a very difficult time trying to figure out which overpriced flavored water she should get. There are a total of 36 options and she has to touch a bottle of each before she can make her decision. I grab a juice and get out of the way of her. I didn’t want to confuse her.

Okay so I finally make my order from the sandwich menu. They don’t have what I ordered. Mind you that it is clearly posted on the piece of paper doubling as a menu but that doesn’t matter. I am beginning to think that the half of the menu here is a cruel joke. Also how does a blind person order in this place? There is no one who speaks English and the menus aren’t in brail. But if they cannot serve people who can see, I am thinking that serving people with special needs might be asking a bit too much.

That lady is back again. It is like she is fluttering around the whole place just trying to get someone, dang it, anyone to stare at her figure that she had to spend 7 hours squeezing into those pants. She has finally realized that since she ordered something that doesn’t exist she needs to order something else. Beautiful women are a dime a dozen but beautiful women who don’t ask posters for directions… well, they are like unicorns.

Okay so my replacement order from the sandwich menu gets handed to me in a gigantic bowl. Nice… At this point in time I have just resigned to take whatever they give to me and hope to make it out alive. I turn to look for the register and join a line to what I guess would be the way to get out of this place.

Nope. This is the line to the fruit table. I joined the wrong line and wouldn’t you know it, the butterfly lady is back over at the water touching all the bottles again. I just realized that she has headphones on. Add a distraction to the already low level of abilities. Well, I think we all understand why she is having a hard time.

So I find what I am sure is the check out line. Attractive but stupid chick is behind me but at least the line moves pretty quick. 10 bucks… for rice, beef and lettuce. Wow… No wonder they want to create the allusion of mass hysteria. No one. And I repeat no one would buy this crap if they didn’t feel like the second coming of a nuclear Hitler wasn’t eminent.

Freedom! Okay so the food is good but not 10 dollars good. I eat it up and lesson learned. I wonder if that lady changed her mind again about the water. She could still be there floating hopelessly around an empty store. Or maybe she is waiting for the dinner crowd. Maybe a guy will notice her then.


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