Over the weekend I exhibited many symptoms that are common to the flu. Without any scientific backing I can confidently say that I did not have the flu. Instead I just had all the symptoms without a discernable cause.

Firstly was the fever. It didn’t last very long though because I attacked it with a combination of Tylenol and 75 blankets. As the fever started to fade I took my temperature. It was 101.5 degrees, which made me wonder how high it had gotten when my fever was really bad.

Next was the “Rocket Yoohoo Out of Your Bottom” stage. During Ryoyb the body becomes increasingly weaker and starts to lose weight. The Ryoyb stage is commonly referred to as Calista Flockhartization.

The weakness still lingers although I can now eat actually food without devastating repercussions.

Unfortunately, a vast number of power-crazed ninjas have laid siege to my apartment in hopes of taking my World’s Awesomest Ninja Ever award by defeating me in hand to hand combat.

Little do they know, I have enough food in the apartment to last me a fortnight during which time I will not only recover my strength but become more powerful and less vulnerable to their bacterial based attacks.