OSHA is an organization who makes sure that you are protected at work so much that it is virtually impossible to stub ones toe in a work environment any longer. It makes people less sharp and exponentially increases the likeliness that wolverines or cougars with eventually take over as the dominant species on the planet.

That is why this morning, really early, I snuck into your cube and planted some mirror limb-severing booby traps. These traps will either enlighten you to how much you have let your reflexes and instincts slide, help retune your skills in evading danger or kill the weaker ones of our race thereby making us much harder to kill. The weakest links on the human chain must be severed.

I have also put petroleum jelly on various items in your cube to make sure that you understand the value of the phrases “look before you leap”. How many times have you walked into a room without proper reconnaissance? You don’t know if there is a trained ninja monkey attack squadron in the room, waiting to eliminate you with extreme prejudice and feces.

Have you even checked under your stairs for water buffalo’s with small crossbows ready to launch baby alligators at you Achilles tendons? Come on! They have a very sophisticated plan of attack. I bet you don’t even know that the birds in your city are flying around with black widows attached to their bellies by a long strand of web, just waiting to get close enough to bite you.

You didn’t know that! Well to be honest I don’t think you are going make it through the day unscathed.