I’ve got my eye on you Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly (BPJB). I see right through your thinly veiled disguise. I see your soft palpable heart and the evil ambitions it contains! You might have a majority of the American and all of Europe’s population fooled but not me.

I stayed awake and heard you orchestrate your little meeting with the skewers. I know your little plan and I intend to make you eat it! Your soft hues of yellow and white make you seem quite harmless. The tender moist flavor rush insinuates that you are to be my ally and friend in times of snacking need. But I know the end result.

So, why don’t your just fess up to the dastardly deed? Why don’t your tell your “adoring fans” your sinister plans? Tell them how you intend to become the new Tsar of Russia. Tell them your plans for an army of obscurely flavored jellybeans. Tell them you contain neither butter nor popcorn, you counterfeit bean! I even doubt that you have any actually jelly in your heritage. You are a lie and I will spit you from my mouth!

And don’t think this means you get off with a free pass Tutti-Fruitti, if that is your real name.