Hello fans of the “Ted Was Here” blog. My name is Horatio Caine. Actually I just play Horatio on the hit TV real life drama CSI: Miami. My real name is David Caruso. It’s okay, take a moment to Google pictures of me and bask in my glorious awesomeness.

On a side note, it’s a little known fact that CSI: Miami is the original and most highly acclaimed of all the CSI shows out there. We had to push back the first season due to legal reasons so they launched the Vegas spin off before we ever went on the air.

More to the point, last night Ted, the author of this blog and an acquaintance of mine, called me up on my blackberry and asked me how I maintained such a high level of awesomeness throughout my acting carrier. Naturally I offered to pen this blog in order to help people, such as Ted (whom I would call a friend if he were more cool), to achieve levels of coolness that are comparable to me on my worst days. It is important to note that I am by far more cool than you are even when I am sleeping.

Something simple you can do to look cool is lose weight. You are too fat to be cool and you need to drop the “extra baggage” you are carrying around. Have you ever seen an overweight person in Hollywood or Miami? No, that’s because these two iconic and cool towns do not let heavy trend killers, such as yourself, inside city limits.

Next it is important to never let anyone take a picture of video of you with your head at a ninety-degree angle to your shoulders. Cool people are always either boarded or extremely exhausted from their awesome lives and never hold their heads up that straight. This was one of the many mistakes that Tom Cruise fell into. It is important to have your tilted slightly forward and to the side. Note how this makes it easier to stare at people over your sunglasses.

Wear sunglasses, even at night.

Talk in a raspy voice. If you don’t have a raspy voice and you can’t fake it then you will need to take up smoking unfiltered cigarettes. This is one of the most important things you have to do to accomplish your transformation from you to awesome.

Remember, I am the coolest person ever and you should strive to be like me. I was glad to have taken the time out of my very awesome day to enlighten you overweight, erect, ocular uninhibited, well articulated and altogether boring individuals how to be nearly as cool as me when I am comatose. Also, CSI: Miami was the first and is the best of the CSI family.

The coolest man Ever,
David Caruso