I want someone to give me a million dollars. Do it! Dooo it! Shower me with handfuls of small bills so I can role around in them and pretend that they are leaves.

Assail me with bricks of cash that fail to break my skin yet still cause severe internal hemorrhaging. Look into my eyes and spit on my face with a spewing of coins coated with your saliva so that I may feel the shame of wealth.

Make a sock of one-dollar bills then kick me in the face with it. That is the only way I will appreciate your generous gift. Make sure that none of my teeth are still connected to my gums by cramming my mouth with Susan B. Anothonys.

Reek havoc on my finger with a million tiny paper cuts from crisp new twenties and laugh as cascade of rolled coins plunges from the ceiling to my head and crushes me. Yet still give me a million dollars. Do it! DOOO IT NOW!!!

My student loan officer said I had to post this blog. Sorry. You got a 5 I can borrow for lunch?