Tonight we, as God-fearing Americans, celebrate our triumph over evil by handing out candy to little children dressed as ghouls and goblins. These “scary” creatures gathering candy show how our generosity and love conquered the most vile and evil beings that we could ever have thought up. If we give “them” candy they will no longer participate in their vile acts of tricking us.

What was that, Walter? What do you mean that is not the point of the holiday? Okay then, Mister Smarty Pants, why do we celebrate Halloween? What, Oh my word! I… um… oh my. Are you sure? Oh, you are. Thank you, Walter. I can’t believe I have been supporting this for so many years.

I can’t believe that yet another one of our sacred religious holidays has become so corporate. Next year will they start calling it X-ween? They did this to Christmas and now Halloween. Next it’s Easter. They won’t let our religious holidays alone.

Um… Pardon me but Walter wants to speak with me again. Yes Walter I was paying attention the first time. Okay. Yeah. Huh. Halloween was never a Christian holiday. How did it ever get kicked out of the schools then? Oh. Well that makes sense. Okay.

Disregard all of what I have written. Apparently it is all completely wrong. Sorry.

The DaVeggie Code



Has the truth been kept secret for centuries? Could Jesus have actually been a vegetarian? This is the question that has haunted all mankind for nearly 2,000 years. What was on the menu for the last supper?

With the impending winter, many of your are thinking about getting rid of that hunk of junk you refer to as you “ride.” Hear is a classic interchange between a used car salesman and a young man that took place right here in our town.

Used car salesman: Hey there buddy! What kind of car are you looking for?

Young man: Do I know you?

Used car salesman: Sure, didn’t you go to South.

Young man: South what?

Used car salesman: You know… South High.

Young man: No. I didn’t go to high school in this state.

Used car salesman: Oh, sorry. You look like a guy I knew, Jim. He was a great guy. I bet you are a great guy too!

Young man: Why are you so Happy?

Used car salesman: I get to help you today. That’s a great reason to smile!

Young man: Are you possessed by a demon? (Blank stare) Anyway I am looking for something that gets good gas mileage. Do you have any used Hondas?

Used car salesman: Yes! We have an excellence selection of Hondas and other fuel-efficient cars!

Young man: Are you on some kind of drug that makes you that excited. I mean can you bring it down a notch or two?

Used car salesman: No!

Young man: Is there anyone else in there that maybe a little bit more normal?

Used car salesman: I doubt it!

Young man: (frown) Alright so I am looking for a Honda that is 3 years old and the lowest mileage that I can find.

Used car salesman: We have this lovely 06 Honda Expedition!

Young man: There are so many things wrong with what you just said. Where do I start?

Used car salesman: !!!!!

Young man: That’s a Ford and it has horrible gas mileage.

Used car salesman: Maybe this car isn’t right for you! Here is a great 02 Honda 911 Turbo and its priced to move!

Young man: That’s a friggin’ Porsche. It costs 39,000 dollars. I don’t want to spend that much on a car.

Used car salesman: Can you really put a price tag on the combination of speed and fuel economy the Honda Porsche offers!?!

Young man: Apparently so. You guys put one on it. What else is there?

Used car salesman: Here is the lovely, affordable and smart Honda caravan!

Young man: Dodge… It’s a Dodge.

Used car salesman: And that what you will be doing when you get behind the wheel of this baby!

Young man: Did you graduate from a high school?

Used car salesman: Absolutely!

Young man: Doubtful.

Used car salesman: Okay, seriously though! This is the perfect car for you!

Young man: Holly crap! You actually are showing me a Honda.

Used car salesman: This 01 Honda Civic is the perfect combination of style and class!

Young man: Yeah it is. This thing has everything. The stereo is a CD player and has a port for my i-pod to hook up to. There is even a moon roof! Wow!

Used car salesman: The miles are incredibly low as well!

Young man: Only 15,000 miles. Is that right?

Used car salesman: It was a Honda pre-certified pre-owned vehicle.

Young man: Oh my word, this is perfect!

Used car salesman: It certainly speaks to your character!

Young man: Um… What?

Used car salesman: So should we sit down and discuss financing.

Young man: No I have my own financ… wait a minute. You guys have this priced at $16,000. That’s got to be an error. They are $18,000 new.

Used car salesman: I don’t set the prices but I can tell you we have a group of people who make sure that our prices are competitive.

Young man: Why aren’t you super excited anymore and who makes sure you are competitive?

Used car salesman: I am trying to be professional here.

Young man: Okay, well this car is extremely over priced. It is worth maybe $9,000, $10,000 tops.

Used car salesman: Whoa, I can’t just give a car like this away man. Do you have any idea how much trouble I would get into for that?

Young man: I am not going to pay $16,000 dollars for a car that cost $18,000 new.

Used car salesman: Okay hold on while I check with my boss. (Salesman runs inside and gets a drink of water from the water fountain and goes to the bathroom before rushing back out to see the young man.)

Used car salesman: I can offer it to you for twelve.

Young man: You didn’t talk to you boss. I saw you go into the bathroom and get a drink. I saw you!

Used car salesman: My boss was using the restroom. I went in there to ask him.

Young man: That seems a bit unlikely but I am not willing to go above 10,000 for this car.

Used car salesman: Seriously, are you trying to get me fired. I have a wife and six kids to take care of.

Young man: I find that hard to believe considering you are still wearing your high school ID badge on your pants.

Used car salesman: I went back to finish up.

Young man: I am finding it hard to believe anything that you say.

Used car salesman: Okay. If I drop it down to $10,000 I am going to have to void our warranty on the car.

Young man: Who cares about your warranty? Honda has a great warranty program.

Used car salesman: They sure do!

Young man: Oh here is Mr. Excited again. Okay I will take the car. I am probably paying a little too much but this is a great car.

Just after the young man leaves with his new Honda the car salesman is approached by one of his colleagues.

Colleague: I can’t believe you finally sold that pile. Did you tell him the factory warranty is void and the transmission is bad?

Used car salesman: Never came up.

Dear Socks,

You have been my friends for quite some time and you have taken the entirety of my wrath in stride. But for the most part you are starting to get pretty worn. I mean we have had 3 great years together but I really feel, and my feet agree with this assessment, I need something more. I need to know that if I were to have my shoes off there would be no chance that I have ripped a hole thru you at some point during the day. That is a promise you used to be able to deliver on but, lets face it, you’re not the socks you used to be. I don’t blame you though. I know that with all of the pressure I have applied to you over the years you have just gotten worn thin. And as much as I would like to think I treated you well I know that I could have done better by you. I walked all over you and only wanted you around when I needed you. I didn’t want things to be this way but you knew and I knew this couldn’t last forever. You just weren’t intended to last as long as I do. But don’t take it so hard, old friend. Perhaps I will hang on to you and you can become my new dust rag, if I can bear to see you after the break up. I am a little concerned that you will act rudely to my new socks and tell them about our time together. I only intended those things for us. Know that my memories of you are cherished ones.

Sincerely,
Me

Spiky hair, styling shades; this dictator is the bomb or at least that is what he has every intention of being. Normally Kim Jong Il parades around in his brown Dockers stain resistant slacks and matching Members Only jacket planning new ways to make everyone in the world, allies include, as nervous as he can. Recently he and his posse (pictured left) walked out of talks regarding his nuclear program, aptly named “AHH” (Annihilate Humanity’s Hope), because the United States put an embargo on a bank expected to have been involved in money laundering and other laundry related misgivings for North Korea. Kim Jong Il has enjoyed a long history of zany, bordering on insane strategic military moves, which has placed him on top of the worlds most feared and made fun of dictators list. This leaves everyone wondering what is Kim Jong Il’s next move? That is the beauty of his long illustrious career as dictator of North Korea. No one, not even Kim Jong Il himself, is certain. The only thing we do know is he has an extensive collection of matching slack, jacket combos and we can expect to see a lot more of those.

Ahh Haa Haa…. Denny Green…

Ahh Haa Haa…. The Arizona Cardinals…

Ahh Haa Haa… 20 point lead…

Okay, so picking on the Arizona Cardinals is like punching Gary Coleman in the face, but seriously a 20-point lead? Rex Grossman comes out and posts Daunte Culpepper type turnover numbers and the Bears still win. Even when the Bears offense is the lowest scoring part of their team the Cardinals find a way to manufacture the loss. That is the kind of dedication to tradition that makes Arizona football fans flock to the Cowboys. How soon do you think it is going to be until those seats in their new stadium are as empty as the old stadium seats were. I guess they could use that stadium for the World Rodeo Championship or something. Now I don’t want to sound like someone who is always negative but I know in my lifetime that I will never read the headline “Cardinals win the Super Bowl.” It’s just never going to happen. I guess in the long run the only thing Arizona fans have to look forward to is the latest pictures of their rookie quarterback and whatever celebrity he is dating at the time. Enjoy that Arizona. That ought to give you your football fix.

My friend Kevin wrote a blog yesterday bashing Derek Jeter. He made some pretty wild assertions that any person with an IQ above that of an impaled ferret would realize were satirical. Naturally someone (I am assuming some snobby liberal college student) went totally nuts on this. Perhaps he didn’t notice that Kevin referenced himself as a fan of the Detroit Tigers. Now I understand that Kevin isn’t going to go do drugs with Derek Jeter. As a Detroit fan he hates Jeter and would never share drugs with him even if Jeter sprung for them. He is a Detroit fan and considering the past two decades of this teams history (discounting 1987 and before) we got to give Detroit fans a bit of room to vent. Aside from the Piston’s what have they had to be happy about? The glory days of Michigan have gone since Chris Webber called the phantom time out in the 90’s. The Lions couldn’t win with Barry Sanders for crying out loud. We gotta cut these Detroit fans some slack, give them a little room to express the relief from their frustration, realize when a person is using satire. So if Kevin wants to slam Derek Jeter, I say slam away Kevin. Everyone has been slamming to Tigers for a really, really, really long time.

Okay so I am a little pissed at my pet caterpillar Felix. I have had Felix now for six years, thanks in part to good diet and regular genetic tampering. Felix, as a pet, really only serves one purpose and that is to let me know what kind of winter it is going to be. Over the past few years I have been able to successfully predict what the winter was going to be like thanks to my fuzzy friend. Last year Felix was bald and if you remember last year’s winter we couldn’t get good skating ice because it was so warm. He has been completely reliable for all the years he has been my pet. However this year Felix’s coat is all spotty. I don’t know if I am supposed to trust the parts of him that are covered in fuzz or the parts of him that are bald. I know he is faking it too, because I checked and he doesn’t have cancer. I would understand if he was pulling this crap in April as an April fools joke but it is October. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking about releasing my genetically altered pet back into the wild. So long Felix. I hope some creature enjoys you as a tasty meal.