There was a quant old time, you might remember it, when baseball was our national pastime. Where two teams would battle it out and in the end there was a triumphant victor and a vanquished foe. Yeah there was a time like that… but not anymore. Now if there is anything that truly defines American culture is how much we enjoy the humiliation of others. We sit on our couches and watch as people who can’t sing embarrass themselves on national television by singing “She Bangs”. In watching this the rest of us are more assured that even though we may have failed at our jobs for the day at least we can carry a tune. Instead of counting our own successes we measure our self worth by the public failure of others. Thru this we have found that a majority of Americans would get into their bathing suits on national television and put things into their mouths that they wouldn’t otherwise touch for $50,000 and for 1 million dollars, well, there really isn’t much that we wouldn’t do. So to all the failures in the world I say “Thanks. You guys really make me look less weird!”

Correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t it Fall yesterday. I was outside in a sweater and thought to myself, “Man it is perfect out here. It is nice and warm. Ah. This is perfect.” Today when I went outside it had snowed and it was fricken freezing! It is Winter. There was a song writer, I think it was James Woods, who wrote “Every season turns, turns, turns…” What a load of crap! Seasons don’t turn they switch overnight and catch you completely unaware. Okay so someone told me that they thought it might snow but no one said it was going to be so cold. So I am going to start my hibernation now. See you guys in spring. You know, the day after winter ends.

“Sanders, Sanders, You got to help me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make decisions. I’m a president.” The President of Planet Spaceballs from the movie Spaceballs.

First and foremost God bless Mel Brooks. I enjoyed watching two of my favorite Mel Brooks movies in the past day. First I flavored my pallet with a little “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” last night. There are some of the single best jokes in the history of mankind. So today I pushed forward with my humor fix and partook of the epic “Spaceballs.” One of my favorite jokes is the one where The President tells them to comb the desert and they actually comb the desert. Then Big Helmet asked each of the crews if they see anything. The African-American’s were using picks and (I quote) respond, “Man, we ain’t found shit!” I am pretty sure there are few things funnier than that. The sad fact is that in today’s politically correct society if you find that sort of humor funny you are a racist bigot who deserves death. When did we forget that we, as humans, are FUNNY! White people, “African-American’s”, Hispanics, and any other racial group have funny habits that we as a race perpetuate. In honor of this I plan to watch Blazing Saddles. I however will take the Irish!

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Meteorologists; How do these people actually keep their job? I mean in what other job are you expected to have absolutely no idea what is going on? Do we expect when a mechanic who works on a car that the engine might get "stalled" for a couple of hours and not work? How then is it that when a meteorologist says it's going to snow and if it doesn't he gets better equipment? The way I see it is they get paid to guess on national television about what's going to happen in the weather. They put up fancy charts that move across your television screen and point at stuff as if you have any idea what they're showing you. For all you know they could be showing the chart of someone's stomach.

“And here's where the clouds are coming in forming a high-density low-pressure zone. This is a very dangerous area. We could see a lot of tornado activity.”

For all you know this could be an inflamed appendix.
“We're going to have to operate. This could get messy. I think the appendix is going to burst.”

Seriously how hard to the job be? Each morning put on the broadcast for weather that Fargo had last night. At nighttime just put Fargo's morning weather on. Then shove some bimbo in front of it and tell them to flail their arms about and point at the pretty clouds. And if ever the forecast seems to be wrong tell them the weather got stalled. This seems to cure all ails when it comes to failure on this job.

“I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, the surgical procedure we were performing on your wife got stalled. We tried our best but couldn't save her.”

“If only I schedule that operation for 24 hours later. My wife would still be alive”

That's what I want for a job. One where failure is expected and when I succeed they rewarded me with electronics. Could you imagine if you were lawyer... Never mind I don't think any of you can imagine that. You still have souls. All right let's say you're a zookeeper and your animals keep dying. Now each animal cost hundreds of millions of dollars and when they die no one gets mad at you. But if by some odd chance one of them lives and the people who visit the zoo actually have something to look at... You would be crowned king of the world and women would throw themselves you. Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit about people going to the zoo, but you can imagine how ridiculous that seems. Or if you, each night, turned on your TV to ESPN to watch a bunch of highlights for basketball in the middle of June. You would know the basketball highlights would be phony. So why would you watch? The same is true with the weather. You watch every night and when is the last time you remember it being accurate? I checked up on it and the last weatherman to actually predict the weather correctly was promptly shot by the station's director. This just no room for that sort of thing.

This article is in memory of Francis McDougal. A fine weather man and a good guess.

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Here is the very first of what I believe will be a long history of creative cop-outs.

My friends asked me to write a poem for them for thier wedding.

Here it is.

How then love?

How then shall I know of love?
How shall I who in selfishness bore forth sinister ambitions
Now place your lowest desire before my greatest need?
How shall I who am mortal take part in this action
Of such eternal breadth?
So distant this should find itself from me
But now my nature it has become.
That in my heart this purpose find.
That I would give my dreams for thine.

How then Shall I learn of love?
For how should the foreign become familiar?
It is only when He that is love taught me so of it
That I was able to partake of this true act.
Yet still further I learn from this love.
For in it my love’s flaws revealed
And thru such I learn to love more purely.
An eternity long for love is true.
This the oath I give to you.

How then shall I think of love?
Should I ponder it in song and rhyme?
Or rather find devotions beckon intertwined amidst
The haunting call that drives me forth.
For my deepest yearn since err I recall
Was for thee to have, to hold, to love.
But now these things in toe I find.
That love is not a hearts weak gasp,
But something that in honor lasts.

How then shall I speak of love?
What trite pleasantry a just portrayal provides?
Now not with speech but with these two beings
An apt vision we embrace what hearts fain to grasp.
That one man wholly gives himself to one woman,
And so a woman wholly given to one man.
And under God no longer separate become.
Not with words but rather with life.
Now one husband, now one wife.

Why aren’t voodoo dolls more predominate? Serious, I don’t see the down side to them.
You get to either torment or embarrass anyone, anywhere at anytime. I would have thought that by now we would have embraced them as a society. If other people’s misery isn’t good enough reason to get into it, you get to maim dolls! I mean come on look at these things. I know that there has been many a time in my life I wished to have a doll through which to vent my anger. I could stab it repeatedly and no one would try to have me committed. I could just explain it away with “Voodoo Doll.” I am currently working to figure out how to rationalize voodoo dolls and Christianity. Think of it. If someone wronged you and they didn’t understand why, you could totally make them experience. Just imagine how humble we would be and the level of sympathy Christians would have for everyone. If you think that this is a joke I want to make it perfectly clear that I am serious about this. Otherwise how do you explain that you are currently doing the Macarena?

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Each year my mother asks me, about this time, what I want for Christmas. Well Mom, what I want you can't afford. So I spend my time coming up with little trite things that I don't necessarily want but you can definitely afford. And now since I have a way to tell the world what I really want, if you happen upon this Mom this is what are really want.

First I would like to be able to fly. And I don't mean on a plane because anyone can do that. No Mom, what I really want is the gift of flight. Now I know what you are saying to yourself. It's not a matter of money, Ted, no one can fly. Oh yeah, you told me Santa Claus was real for how many years and his reindeer could fly. So I don't it's too much to ask that I could fly to. Or is my entire childhood just a lie.

Secondly I would like to be able to move things my mind. I'm not a fool, Mom, I watch TV. I know that people can do it and you always told me that I was just as good as everybody else. So there must be something you can buy that gives you this power. I'm assuming it costs a lot otherwise it would've asked for, but this is one things that I would really like to have.

And finally even what sounds cliché, world peace. Not because it particularly care about the people of the world, I don't know them. Primarily because I want my news to tell me about things that I care about. I know that death is a horrible thing and that's happening all around the world. It's just not nearly as important as the sports scores to me. So if world peace came about I get my freaking sports scores and go to bed 15 minutes earlier. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I guess if I had to choose one more thing just make my wish list an even-number I would have to choose that if people were ignorant about a situation, that they would be unable to speak. I can’t begin to imagine how quiet the world would be. But I imagine that we would be pretty freaking close to heaven.

So Mom this year I'm cutting through all the political correctness and telling you what I really want. I want to be able to leave whenever I want to. I want to be able to do whatever I want to. I don't want be bothered with other people petty differences. And I want some people the just shut up.

This Christmas is going to be the best ever…