Okay so we need to talk, Washington D.C. You are supposed to represent what your constituents want but you have pretty much completely lost it. I mean it is clear from history that our current form of government, democracy for those of you who have just moved here or are to busy using the system to learn about it, is the best form available and by far the least accessible for the corrupt to overtake. However there is a bit of hypocrisy inherit in the system. Democracy is the right of the people to rule themselves but the people making the laws don’t live in the reality that the most of the population does. Why is it that the people making the driving laws no longer drive themselves? Or how is it that the only people who get to be heard on gun control are the psychos who want everyone to have a sniper full automatic missile launcher in each hand and seventy five back up weapons or the people who refuse to own a gun, shake the hand that has shot a gun, watch a movie with a gun in it, or consort with people who wont daily curse Smith & Wesson. That is what the people think. I don’t want everyone to have the gun of Rambo but at the same point I don’t think a person who takes precaution and knows gun safety can’t have a hunting rifle because it makes some weirdo twenty five thousand miles away feel safer. Just a hint to the weirdos; even if you make guns illegal I doubt that the people braking the laws are going to pay attention to that law. You might ask yourself what brought this on. Well this weekend the people in front of me on the highway got into an accident and there was no way possible to stop my vehicle and because I live the short green bus liberal state of Minnesota my insurance will go up and I will have to pay for somebody else’s car accident. In a car accident 99.9997246% of the time it is one person’s fault for generally sucking or making a mistake, but in Minnesota the previous liberal congressmen while riding around in the back of their limos decided to protect the 0.0002754% of people who could possibly get a bad rap that they would screw the general public instead. Now when I make a mistake I want leniency but I am grown up enough to take responsibility for my actions. In Minnesota the general public has to take it for so that just in case of that 0.000274% actually hits you that you are protected. So basically put the liberals value the slightest minority over the general good. Now I am a republican. (Note that I don’t capitalize the parties’ names. They represent me not the other way around.) I don’t agree with liberal policies because they are, in a word, stupid and not worth my time. I know that is kind of blunt but liberal policies is anti-democratic. The majority in liberal thinking is not represented but the minority. The minority rules the people where as the mass consensus of the people or the majority rule themselves in the republican policies. I know that everyone can’t be happy at all times but there is a middle ground where people can be happy. I know that killing people can’t make anyone happy but the death penalty works. Look at the steady decline in the respect given to the laws as we slowly reduce the punishments. I support the right for the law abiding citizens to live over the right of the murders to continue living. That may sound cold blooded but it is what works with people. I don’t think that people should kill all of nature to further the mini-mall and mega mall explosion but I also don’t agree with the concept that if a person “kills” a tree that a hippy is then given the right to blow up a major sporting event. (Not that I am worried that they will actually accomplish their revenge on man. I have seen to many Steven Segal movies to fall for that.) Its just that I want the law to protect the innocent more often then it protects the guilty and lets face it; You are innocent no matter what you did in America.

How many of you guys have surround sound systems for your TV? I know there have to be a couple of you that have them. I am not buying up all them. I would like to but I don’t have the space to put them. Here is the real question though: when did women get control of the sound systems? I know what you are thinking. Not me. I tell my wife when and where we get a sound system. Then why don’t you have one? Oh you’re waiting for a great deal. You’re retarded! Here is the real point. Do you remember those huge stereos we used to have that we used to have. They put out such amazing sound. Now you have this collection of 8 1” square speakers that you hide all over your TV room. NOT ME! I have a couple of tower speakers and a great big subwoofer and my girlfriend loves it! Actually she doesn’t come over anymore. But she did say she liked it. What? She did.

Nerds everywhere I see you. Standing in the shadows. Carefully planning out your revenge. Writing the software that will end known civilization. Yet I am not worried even slightly about your scheming. You wouldn't dare destroy computers. What would you do with your time? Where would you make new friends? Where would you find your women? Everyone knows you spend a majority of your time playing online games and chatting with other gamers about how much people who play sports are stupid and cannot write even simple java script commands. Each of you have dated at least six girls that you have met online only to end the relationship because you calculated the odds of that girl leaving you and it just wasnt pretty. It is really sad but just face it you suffer from social lust. You wish so much that you could interact with normal society but realize that you get nervous and sweat from your eye lids. You want so much to be able to wear a nice suit but just cannot bring yourself to take off the sneakers you bought online for $200 because Bill Gates threw up on them. Craving the effection of a woman who doesnt have an operating system. So just go back to your computer, sitting in your bathrobe and sneakers, and banter back and forth with your nerdy friends about how easy the binary code actually is if you have a degree from Cal Tech.

What is going on inside Applebees? I don’t get all the random nostalgia that has plagued the walls of this mediocre food establishment. They have sports paraphernalia that covers a majority of the wall to show you that they are a part of the community. The old feed bags and license plates showing you they are country eclectic. Pictures of famous people with fake autographs to prove that they are sophisticated and that people who drive a Lexus can still eat there. The only really string of similarity throughout the décor is that fact that there is no bare wall in the place and not a single interesting thing that adorns a wall. It is like a flea market threw up all over the inside of the Applebees. You would think with everything that is on the walls there would be something interesting but no such luck. It is the only excessively busy decorating in the world that will put you to sleep. They need some massive help with decorating. Who will save them? Will you?

In the world we live in people of size are looked down upon as the squishy heal of society. No one talks about the benefits that fat people have over the thin. So here at Ted Was Here we are going to finally take an objective look at the fat vs. thin controversy.

The upsides to being fat are as follows.

- You don’t get hurt when you fall down.
- People, especially salesmen, avoid you because of the inherent odor.
- You fill out whatever outfit you want to wear.
- You cannot drown because you float in water.
- Larger people don’t participate in sporting activities that are dangerous to their health.
- Obesity is now no longer your fault and is considered a disability.
- Your belt can be used as repelling device in case of emergency.
- In a pinch your shirt can be turned into a tent to give you shelter.
- You will live ten or fifteen days longer than your skinny counter part if you get stranded on a desert island.
- People like big butts. They cannot lie.

These are the things that people consider good about being thin.

- You will live until you are old enough to wear diapers again.
- Your joints will never get bad so when you are old you won’t get the good parking spots.
- Your bones will break under the pressure of a strong wind.
- The phrase we went out for dinner and dessert will never come out of your mouth.
- Your refrigerator is plagued with leftovers.
- If a fly lands on your shoulder you will need massive reconstructive surgery.

After fairly evaluating the two sides of the controversy it is clear that fat people rule and if you don’t agree we will sit on you and kill you.

As is customary for Ted Was Here today we will be doing yet another public service announcement. Recently I spent unhealthy amounts of time in a car and like many truck drivers I put on seventy five pounds and cannot eat food now unless it is deep fried. So as I was nibbling on some deep fried lard cakes and chugging down some deep fried Mountain Dew my companions and I noticed that there are certain things in the country that each house has. Without anyway to name it I started by drooling on the steering wheel to signify what I was seeing. Then, as if God Himself was grossed out by my fat rolls covered with oral cavity slime, it rolled off my tongue: Country Bling. It is what every self respecting country person must have much like every conceited rapper… I mean self respecting rapper needs to have bling. Here is a list of Country Bling.

- Dilapidated sheds. New ones are for city folk.

- A row of cars sitting out behind the barn that defy nature and will not age.

- A rocker or swing on the front sport for the cats.

- An old rusty tractor parked as close to the road as it can get.

- Rust in general. Anything covered in rust is good.

- A Camero, preferably from the 70s, parted out almost completely, leaving only the frame.

- A propane tank. The bigger, the better and silver. If it’s not silver, paint it.

- A museum of the history of farm equipment in your side yard almost wholly swollowed by grass.

From the author of Wild at Heart, John Eldredge, comes the new exciting sequel Wild at Work. In this book John dives into how we are created to be overbearing and insensitive Neanderthals at our work places. He challenges us to embrace our over competitive nature in the arena of our employment for the betterment of our own souls. Helps us learn to grasp that sexual harassment is part of the way God has made us and that if someone, anyone challenges your work quality and or ethics that you have the innate sense of responsibility to pummel them until they stop breathing. You will be excited to see the way God created your insignificant insecurities as a way to drive your already overactive competitiveness. Learn how team work is against the very fiber of your being and how God views it as an abomination to His name. On your climb to the top you may regret the many people you have figuratively and literally thrown your fecal matter on but in Wild at Work you will grasp how God made them part of the ladder he intended you to climb all over. Wild at Work makes it easy for anyone to see that God loves a winner and that is why God made you want to kill people you work with. Wild at Work by John Eldregde is the book no man can explain away his behavior without.