Have you ever prayed so hard for something, desperately pleading with God yet finding nothing but the absence of answer in the stillness? It is such a hard, discouraging place to find oneself.

People can pray for a new job, the sale of a house, or the health of a loved one and feel the pressure of it all tugging their heart down through their sleeves. Their passioned cries lost in the quivering of their own lips.

But what do you do when prayer seems to fail you? When you are unable to find any answer, any quite calm repose for yourself in the desolation? What do you say to prayers when they laugh at your persistence and mock your very faith?

What can you do? Keep praying.

You want to know why deer are running about going willy nilly all over the place? Because there aren’t enough people like Randy Geopfert. Yeah, you heard me. I want to be like Randy. Here is the basic synopsis of his story.

Randy woke up on day and decided his son’s hair had gotten to the point that it needed to be sculpted into something awesome, like a Mohawk. So he took his son to the local Holiday Hair for a combination Mohawk/mullet. This kid was about to rock everybody’s’ face off. And why shouldn’t he? He is Randy’s boy isn’t he?

Well this passing deer sees the rocking haircut and decides hop in the store and challenge the young upstart to a duel, Mano e Deero or whatever. But Randy don’t let his son throw down in public, ruin his chances at an ultimate fighting title.

Randy does the only thing a man of his unparalleled caliber knows how to do. Throw rocks baby! One sharp sledge hammer to the jaw and the deer is reeling like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee. One hit, one hit and this guy grabs the deer by the throat and tosses it to the ground.

But Randy knows that a deer isn’t that easy, so He hops on top of the stunned animal and starts to choke the animal with his gigantic claws of wrath. The deer, sensing its end, decides its time for the flight approach and gets to moving. Randy, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, released the deer to hide in the back room.

When the authorities arrived, did they give randy the key to the city as he so richly deserved? No, instead they see that the animal’s jaw is broken and its frail body is beyond repair. Randy then blows gently in the animal’s ear, instantly killing it with blunt force trauma to the brain. It was only later they found out that Randy’s tears have healing powers.

“The truth is,” he turned to far enough to see her but kept his grin hidden behind his shoulder “I don’t even like you.” She walked to the edge of the porch and latched onto the roughly hewn wooden post with both hands. “Are you sure, cause it sure does seem like you’re fond of me?” Her foot lifted and her toes tapped the boards on the porch. His gate quickened. He needed to get to the other side of the car where the waning daylight would conceal the smile that pulled across his face. “Well, maybe a little bit. You know like a friend. But let me know if your sister is available later. I want to spend some time with her.” He couldn’t believe how cheesy he was, but then again he couldn’t believe she was here. That she was… well her. The same her that he had spent his dreams chasing.

She didn’t respond but instead twirled around the shot back into the cabin. The cold wind had taken its effect on her and pursued her to the fire. Meanwhile he was chiding himself in the car. “Your sister?” he didn’t hide his frustration from himself. “No wonder it has taken you this long to get her. Next time why don’t you tell her that her mother is more attractive?

The drive to town wasn’t far. The road zoomed alongside the lake for a few miles before making a wide swoop away from the shore to the inlet the town sat on. He darted into the store and was back out again as quickly as he had left. On a night like tonight dessert was a necessity. Tonight was a celebration for both of them. For him it was the celebration of his lifelong yearnings culminating at the exacerbation of his strength. For her it was finding everything she would ever need or could ever want sitting right under her nose. The perfection that was only dreamed about in movies, a fairytale in real life.

A car blew past him on the road back, which was saying something because he hadn’t even given any thought to the posted 55 mph speed limit. He glanced down to see the bright orange arm dancing at 85. “Wonder what his hurry was” He thought just loud enough to brake the silence in the car, but the was an ominous feeling growing in the pit of his stomach.

As he pulled off the road he could see the car that had passed him was parked near the cabin with the door ajar. His stomach sank about as much as it could. Something was not right. Where had he seen that car before?

As his feet hit the old steps of the cabin a loud creek pierced the stillness and a jolting realization came to him. He had seen that car at every stop since they had left the city. Had it been following them?

He stepped across the threshold and …

In a move to reach out to many lost souls who don’t understand how much God wants to make their lives awesome, a variety of churches throughout the United States are opening their “Six Flags over Jesus” services where they will tell you about all the great things that will happen in your life when you accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior.

“Riches and wonderful fluffy happiness” one author/preacher/avid Porsche collecting pastor noted, “That’s what awaits anyone who tithes to our church, because God wants so badly to bless you with every possible material item you have ever even dreamed of.” He went on to explain that God has blessed him with a beautiful wife, two children, a mansion parsonage, a summer house in Southern California, 13 Porsches, big screen TVs and a mistress. “It’s hard to believe that God has been so kind but its all real! You can ride with me on my private jet to my estate and see for yourself!”

These mega services, which take place at amusement parks blaring praise and worship music over loud speakers, draw thousands of loyal patrons each day. “My kids love coming to church! They bring their friends by the hundreds! Where else can I take my kids and have them listen to wholesome music while I pick up our pastor’s latest book and a cup of gourmet coffee? I heard the leadership council is looking into opening one of these in Africa if they can raise the money. Think of the impact!”

The effect has been widespread as the “Six Flags over Jesus” movement has taken off and only the potential profits are the limits to what this can achieve.

I love how certain things have crazy names when you put them in bunches. Like a murder of crows or an unemployed line of hippies. Many, it always seems like when you get things together craziness ensues.

But what about the things that haven’t got the kind cool name deal going on?

That is why God put me on this planet people.

Lets do this thing.

Marlon Brando - A Brand O Marlons.

Bottled Water - A Flow of Water

Pins - a Box of pins

Headphones - A Grandeur of Headphones

Katie Kurek - Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Bread - A Clog of Bread

Cheetos - A Colon of Cheetos

Brett Favre A Superbowl of Favres (A John Madden’s Wet Dream of Farve’s is a close second)


I know I am forgetting some things so please let me know so I can update the lists.

Major RT Rybak isn't sure if he has been driving since March. He is running the largest city in Minneasota and he isn't sure about that. He thinks he has had people giving him a ride in his own Prius while he thought his liscense was active. That's pretty funny.

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/myfox/

My memories of Ronny will seem thin in comparison to most. I never knew the strong young man with whom Bev fell in love. I don’t know the mischievous boy who Wendell called brother. I never knew the farmer and provider whom the girls called Dad. My memories lack the passion that I saw locked in his eyes.

I haven’t got sunny days and happy thoughts of him to ponder. No tales of his playful humor and quick wit. My tale is a cautionary one yet silly to even call it that. What happened to Ronny seems like a tale from some Oscar nominated movie. It just never felt real.

I don’t really know what it is about assisted care facilities but I just don’t care for them. They make me feel somehow unworthy or greedy. It could be the shortcoming I still feel as a grandchild who failed his grandmother, though I doubt she harbored any such thoughts when she died. Or maybe its just the subtle reminder that age and fortune’s sticky grip cannot be avoided by anyone that makes me squirm at the thought of a place like that but if I was going to meet Gina’s Uncle Ronny I was going to have to go in there. Everybody who wanted to meet or see Ronny did.

It feels sour to me that a person would need to be locked up for their own safety but it’s a hard point to argue against. The world is dangerous enough when we have complete control of our faculties and much more so when we loss a firm grasp on our own beings. Ronny’s situation didn’t really say to me that he had lost his grasp but rather that it was taken from him.

He was strong. You could tell that. Even in his slow stammering steps he exuded that strength mingled with the frustration that his body wouldn’t respond in the fashion he was telling it to. The fire in his eye and the quick whip of his tongue conveyed beyond a doubt the anger that he felt that flowed from his frustrations, but who could blame him? I cannot even begin to fathom the reality he was faced with every day.

A story in which sorrow made its home lived within his bones for many years. To pass would be a blessing yet now that it has happened I cannot escape this feeling of injustice. Clearly he didn’t deserve what happened to him. Yet I have little knowledge of his life but I cannot image a crime deserving of such a fate.

So this weekend I was chilling by the pool, that is code for not sitting by a pool, when I received a certified letter from an attorney. Naturally I was quite put off. I Don’t know any attorneys and couldn’t think of any inheritance that I had coming. So I reluctantly signed for the letter and tore it open.

My left eye is divorcing me. Apparently this isn’t without precedent. Apparently, shortly after McCully Culkin divorced his parents, his acting ability divorced him. So I knew that this sort of thing was happen more and more often.

My eye is asking for a lot. It wants the projector, Xbox 360 and the Wii. Talk about a total load of garbage. But the worst blow of the whole thing I hadn’t yet seen.

The attorney’s office was Kodiak Bear Attorneys. Blasted bears are at it again! I know, they were laying so low that even I forgot about them and somehow they have managed to convince my left eye to abandon me!

It gets even worse. My left leg has been acting funny recently. We are at full mutiny alert here people. Next time you see me I could be half the man I used to be.

It came to my attention last night that there is a small sect of Tibetan Monks that have moved to our roof top to escape the atrocities that are ravaging their home land. My wife speculates that it is a homeless man but I think we can all safely assume that she is wrong.

I tried calling to them like a fool but they would not abandon their vow of silence. They instead launched gifts of good tidings upon me from the rooftop. I have received a torn blanket, head lice and feces thus far but they have never failed to greet my arrival home for the day with a display of projectile overtures of love.

I can here them at night patrolling the 4 corners of the roof to make sure that we are safe from the Cossacks and other hordes of roving bandits. I have little doubt that they have saved my life and their kindness has not gone unnoticed.

Today I launched a kitten up onto the roof. Somewhere I remember reading that cats are a monk’s best friend. It wasn’t even 30 minutes later when the smell of roasting flesh cascaded down over the walls. It was clear the monks were hosting a feast to welcome their new arrival.

They are much better neighbors then the Doctor who moved in next door.