In a time when I need a laugh at work...

In great holiday fashion, I am once again forced to write down a list of things I want and then be greatly disappointed when all I get is socks with crazy cars on them.

Now I don’t just run amuck, putting every thing I might eventually want on this list. There are careful considerations to be addressed.

Things to consider:
1.) How many chances are there for somebody to get you something close but at the same time something that you would never use. Chances are pretty freaking high for almost everything.
2.) Are you going to want this before Christmas? Yes, and knowing you there is only a slight chance that when you see it on sale you won’t just buy it, telling yourself nobody was going to get it for you anyway. What you got to ask yourself is, do I really need two of these? If the answer is yes, put it on your list.
3.) No matter how much a person likes you they will not just give you a gift card. The simple answer is to not participate in Christmas and therefore not get anything you don’t want. The reality is that you will get something you hate. Inevitably the item you despise will come from a checker, a person who asks you how much you like the woolen elephant mittens they got for you, a 35 year old single male. This person will check your coat to make sure that you have them with you at all times. There is only one way to deal with this issue. Carry them around for a year, telling the attractive women you encounter that your little niece gave them to you before she surrendered to cancer. After a year, douse the mittens with bacon fat and feed them to your dog. Take the remaining scrapes back to the person who gave them to you crying and explain how your dog ate them. You may need to make sure that they don’t make the mittens anymore before you do this or you run the risk of getting another pair.
4.) Let’s face facts. There is nothing that you really want that is in the price range of the people buying you gifts. Ask for DVDs that you have seen and wouldn’t mind getting (you will need double of DVDs for when people borrow them. People don’t borrow DVDs to bring them back. They borrow them for keeps.). Jeans are also a good, safe gift request. Make sure you include the size you need or you will get a pair that has been made for an amputee cow.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year if you know how to make it that way.

Lets keep this piper hot!

1.) Canadian Mounted Police were stripped of their guns because the government was afraid they would have to use them. I am sorry but, what?
2.) California elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor. They didn’t learn from Minnesota’s little ditty with Jesse Ventura. Arnold has made a great governor. The phrase “total plutonic reversal” comes to mind.
3.) You have never even heard of the movie Gunga Din. What are you doing in your spare time? I don’t need to know.
4.) The square root of 16 is 4. The square root of 9 is 3. The square root of 4 is 2. The square root of 1 is 1. Why do we put up with the self-absorbed thing from a primary number?
5.) Raisins. What are you doing? Seriously, I haven’t heard from you since your stint with the peanut butter and the celery stick. What have you been up to?
6.) An athlete in the National Football League was killed in his home this weekend. Why are we killing each other? Can’t we find a solution? I am going to continue this blog from Indonesia. I know they don’t have civil rights but they have the lowest crime rate including murder. So long gum chewing hello safety!
7.) Baseball Cards. They are starting to loose their general value. Mine are just starting to become worth something. I hate you, consumer driven economy! I was going to retire on those things.
8.) Is “I’ll be back” a legit reelection campaign platform?
9.) Michael Keaton is no longer doing anything as far as I can tell. Maybe that is a good thing come to think of it. We don’t want or need another Multiplicity.
10.) There are people that cannot eat cheese?! What? AHHHHHHHHHHH! The insanity has to stop. NO CHEESE?! Seriously?!
11.) Not to sound like a broken record but NO CHEESE?! There is so many things that are so freaking wrong with that.
12.) Bears. They are stealing cars and pooping in my general direction. I don’t want to see what they have in store for the world next. You can bet it involves Tom Cruise.
13.) Tom Cruise. Does anyone have any reason to want this man around? I am not advocating killing him just putting him somewhere so we won’t have to see or hear from him again.
14.) Philip Seymour Hoffman has not been in a movie for a while. Some people might argue that he has a right to a private life. This man has an amazing gift. He needs to get back to sharing it.
15.) Robin Williams. Do you remember when this guy was funny? No? Me either, but just in case he was we need to do some research and make sure that whatever happened to him doesn’t happen to anyone else, ever again.
16.) The theme seems to have pulled towards Hollywood so its time to bring out the big guns. Animatronic Bears. There was this movie about bears that could sing and dance and whatnot. I realized that they were robots but that doesn’t make it any better. I couldn’t sleep for like a month. By the way, that Red Bull stuff really works.
17.) Water. What has this beverage done to deserve such devoted followers? I don’t know who the marketing team is behind the stuff but kudos to them.
18.) Just read number 16 one more time. We are talking about robo-bears here people. You should stockpile arms. This is getting serious.
19.) The Canadian National Anthem has no threatening lyrics and lacks an ominous tone. Seriously? What kind of a lame national anthem is that? I think they should have apart in there about missiles or something.
20.) Global warming means that the song White Christmas is going to look really stupid in a couple of years. I say we jump the gun and change it to Brown Christmas this year.

In summation cheese and bears. Think about them both.

I have decided to start a list of all the things that are wrong with the world in order to offer remedies for the current situation.

1.) Racism.

2.) Joel Schumacher makes movies that we, for no apparent reason watch.

3.) Civil War reenactors from the South seem to believe they can still influence the outcome of a war that ended over 100 years ago.

4.) Glitter in every know makeup and body spray.

5.) Jessica Simpson on a Reality TV show.

6.) The Wayans Brothers

7.) The overwhelming drug addiction. Have we forgotten what we did to the Chinese with opium?

8.) Demanding a smaller government that does more than ever. This is why the world hates us. We sound like morons.

9.) Peanut Allergies. No your fault and you will never get to have a peanut butter cup. That sucks.

10.) Did I mention the Joel Schumacher thing? Okay, just checking.

11.) Drivers. Seriously, when did we as a nation forget how to drive.

12.) The Environment. People bitch about it without giving a feasible solution. Then there are the punks who backlash and drive SUVs to bathroom to do as much damage as possible. To the whack jobs that think I am going to give up running water and soap so that a bird 5000 miles away can sleep better, you are nuts. That bird couldn’t care less about my soup. And for the Eco-haters out there that think it’s a matter of your rights. You totally have the right to drive the big truck and not recycle, because in America you have to right to look, think and act like a total tool bag.

13.) Alaska. Okay in and of it self it rocks, but the fact that most people will never get to go there and see it is a sin against mankind. I have been there. You must go. Next up, me thinks New Zealand.

14.) There is a rapper named Purple Pop Corn. What is going on with the social network that spawned this young man?

15.) Politics. People actually hate other people because they think health care is not a government responsibility but a personal one. That is more than crazy, its democracy at its worst.

16.) Diet Coke has yet to come out with their bacon flavor version. How many times must we ask before they agree to our demands?

I need some more time to come up with further examples. You got any?

I sent a package to Istanbul today. You know, for whenever we declare war on them. I just don’t want our troops to be sitting there and have to wait for weeks for packages from home to arrive.

This is because while the rest of you fain patriotism, I ooze it from all major orifices. That’s right you hippy-tree hugging socialists! I see you, waving the flag that you have stained with the artificial blood you picked up at your rally gear store.

You don’t have the guts to support freedom like I do. See the blood on my shirt? It’s real and possibly mine. I don’t even know because that is how patriotic I am.

My blood is red, my underwear is white and my corrective contact lenses make my eyes so freaking blue that France trembles at the mere thought of me looking to the East.

A lot of people in England hate me because my patriotism is so powerful it predates their existence. Take that constitutional monarchy!

My sweat beads form the likeness of Mount Rushmore on my t-shirt when I sweat and the statue of liberty is jealous of me.

I wear a gun at all times just to let the second amendment know that I support it to the fullest.

I have a beard like Abraham Lincoln and the honest quality of George Washington and a dash of Paul Revere.

You are not nearly the patriot I am. Put that in your historic and antique Meerschaum Pipe and smoke it. What was that? You don’t have one? And why am I not surprised?!

One of Life’s Little Lessons: Some people say that the worst mistake you can make is to repeat your mistakes. I say the worst mistake you can make is to repeat what you got arrested for at your trial.

A man from Germany was appealing his case for streaking and took his clothes when the jury went into deliberations. So the basic line here is that he went streaking at his trial.

What exactly was he on trial for? The 60-year-old man is accused of running onto the field of a girls’ soccer match completely naked.

Did you catch the part where he was 60? Talk about gross old man. Notice also that he streaked a young girls soccer game. Is that better or worse than a young boys soccer game?

A court spokesman said the man sees being naked as “art.” That’s weird because when I see a naked man, all I can think is “This is why I don't frequent athletic clubs."

The man plans to appeal the courts decision. I am guessing we can mark this dude down for a Three-peat.

This is not a joke people. We are on Def-Con 5 Delta. This is an amber alert!

The car was stolen in Vernon, New Jersey where police confirmed the species that stole the car was in fact a bear. Hair on the scene was taken to the lab to confirm the suspicion.

Although the police do not have any bears in custody, they are telling citizens that they believe it to be an isolated incident.

Mary Stockers, a Vernon native, couldn’t believe the news when she heard it. “Why would a bear steal a car? There is no way they could fit behind the steering wheel, unless it was a small female black bear. Then it is not only plausible but probable.” Mary then left citing that she had to run to check on her car.

Officials say the bear only stole the car for a joy ride situation. The car was found nearby, some of the contents stolen and the front seat defecated upon.

“It was most likely some bear going after some food.” A Vernon police officer speculated. However, TWH has uncovered a secret society of young bears that dare each other to steal larger and more lucrative items each time they meet.

Watch out. Your children could be next, or you house!

Happiness.



Why I don't own a cat.

This is a letter from Jimmy Carter to his sister explaining how he accidentally killed her cat. Apparently her cat was sitting under Jimmy's bird-feeder and making some seriously ominous faces at the birds.

Former President Carter decided he would shoo the cat away by shooting at it with a shotgun. It worked the cat will no longer be bothering the birds.

Do we need elderly people who think that a shotgun is a good tool to scare cats, owning firearms. Furthermore does this say, combined with the rabbit incident, say something about Jimmy's state of mind towards animals?

What ever you do, don't go trick or treating at the Carter's dressed as a cat. He might try to scare you off the property.

My parents recently moved out into the middle of nowhere. So much so that there is little to now cell phone reception and absolutely nothing that resembles Internet connectivity, thus reducing their computer to a picture editing machine, or a MAC for the less savvy individuals out there.

This is where I spent the last two days. That is why you haven't had a new post. So please stop sending me the hate e-mail. I couldn't even get it.

Did you see the two names of the roads my parents live between? Swamp and Unnamed! How awesome is that. It would only be more cool if they road name was something like Deserted Rd. Yeah, that would be more cool.

Great house and awesome out building. 6 total garage slots and a 60 by 60 work space for my dad's wood shop on 22 acres of wooded lot. Eat that Pensacola.

Last year I hinted that I would like a new TV and a surround sound for Christmas. I got a pair of pajamas and some weird socks. I don’t want to tell you what to get me but apparently I have to.

Get me a surround sound system. I couldn’t wait for the TV so I bought myself one.

I swear on Christmas itself if you get me another pair of socks stuffed in a “World’s Best Dad” mug, I am going to loose it.

I will probably tear the Christmas tree apart in my teeth and grind the ornaments in my molars. I will not be pleased.

Then I will drink all the eggnog and eat the “Twas The Night Before Christmas” book that I bought a few years ago, sobbing bitterly and relieving myself on the dog.

Then I will fall asleep in the front yard and catch pneumonia. I will be sick for weeks and spend New Years and my birthday in the hospital.

No one wants that, so buy me the stupid surround sound system. It will be for the best.

Sincerely,
Adolf Grumbles
A.K.A. “World’s Greatest Dad”

I want to preface this blog entry by telling you that I am not a racist. Having said that, a couple of Zombies moved upstairs from me in my apartment building and have been subsequently driving me nuts.

They keep all kinds of freaky crazy hours and basically consistently moan. Not to mention the freaking smell. Oh my word. What is up with that smell?

I am pro-choice when it comes to living situations but I have to draw the line with this stuff. We round up old people and put them into homes, and like old people, zombies periodically have limbs fall off?

Can’t we all agree that this is a section of our society that can no longer take care of themselves and banish them to brick high-rises. If we are going to raise taxes I vote the money goes to get ride of…. I mean help the less fortunate section of our society that failed to stay dead and now lust for brains.

Hear my plea Amy Klobuchar! Pass some legislation that makes sense, not like that whale-hugging, tree-lover trite you parade around all the time. Save the humans. Now there is I cause I hope we all can get behind.

Hey baby, I am Cassidy. I know that you are thinking I am a thug. Well, girl, you are right. I am from the hood, but my momma taught me how to treat a girl like you right. Look at me, I am so smooth and hot at the same time. I mean I am wearing a Christmas baseball cap just to let you know that I am part gangsta and part Lollipop Gild. Yeah girl.

Life is going to be hard.

I know there are many people out there who are not clean and don’t understand the importance of being a well-ordered individual. There are those who say that it is as too difficult to maintain cleaning and therefore don’t even try. Well, with these can’t miss tips you too can start living clean.

1.) Hammers make fantastic brooms. Remember you evolved from dirt and since you don’t like being hit with a hammer neither will the dirt. You also can make sure that loose floorboards are consistently nailed down tight, thus accomplishing multiple tasks at the same time. Hammers also make great vacuums for much of the same reasons as were previously listed.

2.) Yelling at yourself will during cleaning will motivate you. I like to yell recipes for soups and various hot dishes at myself over the loud thuds of my hammer. You can use your cleaning time as a period for free flowing thought analysis. While you make your life cleaner you can also come to know yourself in a more complete and deep fashion.

3.) If you have a problem with bugs in the kitchen try using birdshot in a shotgun. The smaller size pellets and mass volume of projectiles are bound to rid you of the rodent problem nearly 100 times faster than using a regular b-b gun. You have to learn to work smarter, not harder!

4.) Dusting always frustrates me. Right when I am done ridding the surfaces of my house from this gross atrocity the stuff starts on a new layer. That is why I turned my house into a space vacuum where there is no air. Upon entering my house I put on my pressure suit and oxygen tank and I don’t ever have to worry about dust.

Being clean is just that simple folks. Don’t make it out to be some massive chore when you can accomplish a great amount of tasks in a short amount of time. You can do this and the Home Depot can help!

I was driving home from playing cards with the fellas last night and I accidentally killed a ghost. The free-roaming, vaporous, full-torso apparition was floating across Broadway at about 11:32 at night, not in a crosswalk.

The Casper, wanna be decided to do the nearly entirely transparent stage for street wandering and it was later discovered that there was a suicide note stuck to the ectoplasm plane. The ghost, apparently named Charles Van Bigianio, did not want to live another year as a ghost waiting for Halloween to role back around.

The note was as follows:

If anyone finds this:

I, the ghost of Charles, cannot stand the thought of another year in this dismal state. I haven’t the stamina to deal with another year of roaming around waiting for the night of the dead to again come. I will find a way to end this state.

C. Van Bigianio

There was only slight damage to the car’s hood.