I have an unexplained fear of Bob the Builder. I am not sure why but I think he was created to destroy me.

Oh sure, he looks innocent but why else would a person have some many “smart” weapons unless he intended to hurt me. He smiles and sells his cheap merchandise to all the kids but I know it is just a ploy to get to me. He is waiting for the day when the credit card receipt is to a Mr. Ted.

Then he will start to stalk me, tracking my behavioral patterns. And after he has become comfortable with my every move he will strike. Then the show will go off the air and Bob will no longer be a builder but an assistant at a lower level auto parts shop.

He will spend most of his free time in therapy because after killing me he will have no purpose in life. He “living” tools will be locked in a chest and tossed into the Hudson River in an attempt to get the voices out of his head, but it will not work.

Children everywhere will wonder what happened to their precious Bob the Builder. I, however, will be forgot and written off as myth and pure legend within 3 weeks of my untimely death.

So next time you see good ol’ Bob make sure you accost him severely.

They could sing of his love forever and Oh, they will!




Rev. Ortsville is a profit of God!

Below I posted one of the hardest experiences of my existence. It cut through me with such easy yet managed to damage nearly all of my being. Its lasting effect, however, is proof that “He works all things together for good”.

To be fair I did ask for it. It’s a bit weird to admit that I asked for pain but I did. It was a few weeks before Valentines Day on that particular year. I was convinced that my gal loved me and that we would be married. I had the car that I wanted (my favorite car at the time). I also had a job designing houses, which was what I loved to do. I knew that God has blessed me and I felt a comfort that was eerie.

So I did what any foolish man would do. I asked God to take away the distractions. I didn’t know what I meant by it but I felt as thought God was there but not as richly and thick (if that is a way to describe the presence of God) as he had been. Now when I asked Him to take away the distractions I didn’t think it would mean the eventual results but I prayed in earnest for Him to be closer and more real.

I only had one solid Christian friend at the time but to be honest our interaction mostly revolved around pizza and movies. So clearly I needed to be surrounded by people of greater conviction.

So I prayed that prayer and presto… everything was gone. Not really everything but the comfort was gone that is for sure. The car didn’t work, I left my friends and moved up to Minnesota, and my gal, at the time, left me (see account given below). I had paid, in my mind, a heavy price.

How low was it? How far did God have to strip me down? It was my 21st Birthday. I didn’t have really any friends in Minnesota yet (hard to imagine if you know how outgoing I am). My parents were out of town, so instead of having any kind of party, I got home from work and sat watching TV by myself all night long. It’s a sad mental image but true nonetheless. I thought about walking to the local bar and having a drink. I was of age, but I couldn’t muster up the strength to look so pathetic as to be out by myself on my birthday.

I remember feeling alone. I had a lot of extra time, so I asked a man from our church to disciple me. He chose the mornings before work. I had to get up and be at the restaurant at 6. I loved my sleep but figured it was time to grasp my faith and make it my own.

I had done something like that in college. I mean I really sought out God but nearly two years had passed and I never sought him out through his word. So I went to these meetings at the crack of before dawn and we would discuss everything biblical. The best part about this training was that this fellow wouldn’t give me the answers but instead he would just challenge me to find out what I believed about God himself.

I had some friends but not many devote ones. One week at church a guy asked if anyone wanted to come over to his house for a bible study. A group of twenty-somethings gathering to study The Word? It was going to be a complete nerd fest but at least the topic, the bible, interested me and I wanted to be challenged in my own faith.

I went and there I met Ryan Moore. Now normally I don’t use real names on my blog but this man was used by God to help me and I think it deserves a nod. He was a weird kinda fella, always using fart jokes and playing video games, but all in all he was real and the Word was visibly important to him. Now I call him weird but if you have read this blog for any amount of time you understand that I am also incredibly weird. We hit it off pretty much right away.

I must admit it didn’t hurt that his sister was attractive and I had a crush on her for a while. I wasn’t in any place to be dating yet so I never made a move toward her but her brother became one of my best friends.

Well one day after work I went over to his place. We were planning on going to a movie and I hadn’t eaten yet so I was thinking that we would run out to eat. I walk in the door and there was this girl there. She was an old friend of Ryan’s and she asked us to come play sports with her friends from church. Ryan and I were always competitive, probably too competitive but needless to say we went.

That is how I found The Rock, the church I attended. When I prayed to God and asked him to remove all the distractions he did and then after he brought me to himself he placed me amongst people my own age who actually lived out their convictions. The believed the Bible and did what it said.

Eventually he put a young gal named Gina in my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have her. She is mature and real and loves the Lord. I know that I am supposed to be funny but I couldn’t write that sad story without sharing how it was eventually used.

I do find it funny that my ex-gal had already planned on leaving me before I asked God to take away the distractions. Makes me think he might know what is going to happen before it does. Anyway, I wouldn’t change a thing if I could go back. The pain changed me into the man I am today. The trail brought me closer to God and into the arms of a gal so great it takes my breath away. The journey landed me in the middle of a group of people who live out their faith despite being young and wild.

Think pain has no benefits? It doesn’t if your only reward is in this world, but if you place your hope in heavenly things there is no telling how grateful you will become for some of the hardest things you have to endure.

And just so you know I am still funny, “Butterflickel”

Labels: Something Real

I am not feeling funny today. Not in the slightest. I had some old pains stirred up and apparently I haven’t dealt with them yet because they are as fresh as the day I got them. I will tell you the story, but I ask you to remember that I can only tell my side of the story. I cannot relate what she was feeling or thinking. Only my thoughts, hopes and eventual pain.

When I went to college at Bethel I meet and started pursing a lovely young gal, we will call her Condoleezza Rice. While I was pursuing Ms. Rice I found out that a “friend” of mine was interested in her as well. I already wanted to be with her so I continued to pursue her.

Right before Christmas break she agreed to date me. This was my first relationship and naturally I went completely head over heals for her. She was beautiful and fun.

At the end of my first year at Bethel I realized I wouldn’t be coming back to school there probably ever again, but Ms. Rice and I continued to date. She flew down to visit me and I drove up to visit her on many occasions. This friend was always hanging out with us and wanted to date Ms. Rice’s girlfriend roommate at one time (she was a very pretty and intelligent young woman).

I promised to come up to visit her on her birthday. I was packed and leaving school when a librarian with wooden teeth (or so they appeared to be) blew a stop sign and t-boned my car. It was destroyed and I went to the hospital with back pain. She was crushed. I was in pain. I am not completely sure but I think that this was the turning point.

This “friend” who like Ms. Rice from the beginning writes her a very long letter explaining why she should leave me for him. Ms. Rice emails me the letter and says that there is nothing to worry about. I wanted to come up and dish out some “leave my gal alone” but she asks me not to, tells me I have nothing to worry about and I comply with her wishes. (If you cannot see this coming you are as dense as I was)

I went up to visit her for Christmas. We spent all of our time together and I thought things were going well. In hindsight she was very distant sometimes. I perceived it to be her lost in thought. She didn’t want to talk about it.

Valentines day is rapidly approaching and I am starting to make plans to ask Ms. Rice to marry me. I am picking out a 96 silver Ford Mustang convertible (her favorite car) to put the ring into. The ring I was talking to a jeweler about having made. I had designed it for her.

Well its two day before Valentines Day and I am shopping for gifts. I go home and she calls. Something is wrong. She talks about her confusion and about wanting some space. She tells me its just a time out. I am crushed. I stay up all night crying with my family and go to work the next morning.

Over the next few weeks I am still devastated. I go to work, do what I need to, then go home and crawl under my bed, pushing boxes in front of me so I can hide. I cry for hours on end. I want to talk to my best friend, the person that I always talk to when things are wrong, but when I call Ms. Rice she says I am being unfair.

Finally I delete her number from my phone. I cannot bear this anymore. I begin to hate all women for being trite and shallow. I surmise that she left me because of the long distance relationship and because we couldn’t hold each other every day. I know it was part of the problem.

My dad gets a job up in Minnesota and I decide to move. I don’t know if it was because Ms. Rice was up there and I thought if we were close we could get back together. I am telling myself it is a sign from God. We move within 15 miles of Ms. Rice. There are other reasons for wanting to move.

I find out that Ms. Rice was going over to my “friend’s” place while we were still dating and they were spending a lot of time together and were even cuddling up together. That hurts. She cheated on me… by my standards at least.

I still hold out hope. I believe that she and I are destined to be together. That is until I find out she is going to marry my “friend”. They got engaged within 5 months of Ms. Rice breaking up with me. Yet, another dagger driven right through my heart. They were dating when we were. At least that is the way I see it.

I go over the whole thing with a guy who was mentoring me. We talk about the end and basically I should have seen it coming. But my heart didn’t want to believe it. That was the last time I thought about her until last night. I dreamt I saw her at a basketball game and we talked. It brought back this flood of pain.

I was talking with a buddy last night who was going thru a pretty rough stint. He was supposed to get married and she called it off. He lost a lot of money in the deal but I doubt very much that was the hard part. I think that is what dragged these feelings back out of me.

I am supposed to get married this fall. It will be 6 ½ years since Ms. Rice and I really want to make sure my past doesn’t affect my future with my gal.

I am not sure that is all I have to say on it but at least that is all I have to say now.

Labels: Something Real

They are...
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A couple of blocks behind the parade.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few planets short of a federation
A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost.
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
A statue in a world of pigeons.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
As useful as a football bat.
As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
As welcome as a priest at a cub scout jamboree.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Born ugly, and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Coverage 90%; signal strength 10%.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Goalie for the dart/javelin team.
Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span.
His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
Long on drywall, short on studs.
Might look like he's doing nothing, but at the cellular level he's really quite busy.
Nice color but not enough wattage.
No coins in the old fountain.
Not wired to code.
One dilithium crystal short of warp power.
Outlet isn't grounded.
When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a very small container.
Whizzes on his shoes and thinks it's raining.
You can hardly tell that he's a simulation.

Labels: Just Plain Weird

I have decided to hold a golden ticket promotional plan, much like Willy Wonka did. The winners will not get to visit my house or where I work. Neither should the possessors of said tickets expect to get any amount of candy, let alone a life supply.

Instead I simply made the tickets out of real gold and with them you get to see the new a movie at any participating theater (note: there are no participating theaters at this time.

In addition you get to keep the ticket, which is worth approximately $13.82.

I know what you are thinking. Where can I find one of these precious tickets?

Well that is the best part. I have hidden them in various porta-johns throughout the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.

How cool would it be if all porta-johns were converted into portal-johns?

Sorry, back on topic. I hid the tickets last night at midnight, so let the games begin!

Labels: Perhaps False

When I was a small boy I made "The Fastest Car Ever". I know the name wasn't flashy but TFCE was my car and dang nabit I loved it.

Over a 6 year campaign I won basically every race ever. I was responsible for making nearly 25,000 boys drop out of scouts. That is nearly twice as many as creepy scout masters.

But when the time came for me to give up my box wood derby obsession and start chasing gals I didn't just want to put old TFCE on a self to gather dust. So I did want any other person who loved their car would do.

I sold him for a heavy profit to the boy scout hall of fame, where it now sits. Of course they claimed that I bought it off of a group of highly trained scouts and modified it using scout principles but in all honesty it is a kit car that I bought in a small magic shop in Chicago.

Today marked the TFCE's 20th Birthday. So they took it out and raced TFCE against the reigning champion. TFCE set a new land speed record. Guess he was just never meant to be caged up.

You go TFCE. You show the world that you are 20 years young!

Labels: Perhaps False

I’ve got my eye on you Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly (BPJB). I see right through your thinly veiled disguise. I see your soft palpable heart and the evil ambitions it contains! You might have a majority of the American and all of Europe’s population fooled but not me.

I stayed awake and heard you orchestrate your little meeting with the skewers. I know your little plan and I intend to make you eat it! Your soft hues of yellow and white make you seem quite harmless. The tender moist flavor rush insinuates that you are to be my ally and friend in times of snacking need. But I know the end result.

So, why don’t your just fess up to the dastardly deed? Why don’t your tell your “adoring fans” your sinister plans? Tell them how you intend to become the new Tsar of Russia. Tell them your plans for an army of obscurely flavored jellybeans. Tell them you contain neither butter nor popcorn, you counterfeit bean! I even doubt that you have any actually jelly in your heritage. You are a lie and I will spit you from my mouth!

And don’t think this means you get off with a free pass Tutti-Fruitti, if that is your real name.

You want to know what always gets me in the mood for shopping? I good rap. I just tune the radio to my favorite local rap station and listen to all the ills the hood has to offer. Then all I want to do is go and buy a new couch. Take for example this clip...



You are in the mood to buy a new couch right now, aren't you!

See you at the Flea Market!

Labels: Just Plain Weird

Nike tells you to “Just Do It.” This is not an adequate defense in a court of law.

If the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, do not get out of bed.

McDonalds couldn’t care less if you were to smile or not.

Motel 8 left the light on for you but you never came. They are wasting a ton of electricity.

All though AT&T wants you to reach out and touch someone, I recommend asking first.

It’s not Miller Time at 8:45 in the morning.

Volkswagen wants you to think they want drivers. They want your money.

Visa is only in like 89% of the places you would like to be.

If you are in good hands with Allstate but not all of their employees wash their hands, how good can those hands really be?

Avis Rental Cars would like you to know that they try harder but just aren’t as good as the other guys.

Me: Hey Sock, What’s up?
Sock: Your feet smell bad.
Me: Yeah. Sorry about that. It’s just that I am always warm and my feet sweat and… Well. I am sorry but it isn’t going to change.
Sock: I cannot wait until you throw me away or use me as a rag in the garage so I don’t have to smell you anymore.
Me: Dude, I am sorry but there is nothing I can do about it. You know that I have tried like everything. I have tried foot powder and that odor eliminator stuff. I mean, come on. You were there.
Sock: I don’t know how the shoe handles it. The other socks and I have been trying to escape but you pay such close attention to our every move.
Me: No I don’t. It’s not like I have you in a safe. I throw you in a bin.
Sock: yeah but you bundle us together first so we can’t crawl away.
Me: I do that so I don’t have to look for a matching pair every morning.
Sock: You shoes have paid a voodoo witch doctor to put a curse on you.
Me: Really, what kind of curse?
Sock: I think it was something like your feet will shrink so you can’t wear them any longer.
Me: Why wouldn’t they just have him put a curse on my to make my feet not smell or to make me not as warm as I normally am.
Sock: Yeah… the shoes elected the flip-flops to handle the ordeal and the flip-flops are basically mentally handicapped.
Me: Wow. That makes me feel bad for walking on them.
Sock: It’s okay. They don’t know any better. They think it is fun.
Me: Oh, well I guess then it isn’t as bad. Is there anything else going on other than my feet smelling really bad.
Sock: Well, your feet reek but I think that is covered by our previous conversation.
Me: Yeah. That was definitely covered.
Sock: Did I mention that your feet get really hot?
Me: You didn’t but I know they do.
Sock: I mean they are like fire or something.
Me: Yeah. I know.
Sock: You should get those things checked out.
Me: I don’t think it works like that.
Sock: Are you sure?
Me: No, not really.
Sock: Well, maybe you should just talk to you doctor about it the next time you are in. I am just saying is all.

Dear Al Gore,

You are a moron.

Sincerely,
Minnesota.

Hello Minnesotans,

How are you enjoying my little gift? Did you like the first 15 inches I so graciously gave to you? How did you feel when I allotted an additional 17 inches a few days later?

Enjoy trying to drive when my snow covers up half of every lane and enjoy parking downtown when the snow from the sidewalks covers the parking slots.

I laughed a hearty laugh when I watched all of your shovels bend and break as your tried to free yourselves from the snow wall created at the end of your drive way by the plow.

I nearly wet myself when I watched you get stuck on your man-made roads, while your cursed God for allowing me to exist.

I know you will have fun wading through knee-deep snow in order to dig your car out of the ditch it careened in to. Especially considering that you will have to use your floor mat as a shovel.

But try to look on the positive side. Lazy kids who don’t work will have plenty of snow to go snowmobiling or snowboarding on.

Oh and by the way… Never doubt the power of the Supreme Snowflake ever again. You had better be prepared because for all you know I could launch an all out attack again in mid-March.

Sincerely,
The Supreme Snowflake

I am sure you heard the news that the new baby giraffe at Como Zoo was named Jenga. You know the less than popular game of stacking blocks. The single people with hand tremors hate more than a full glass of milk.

Anyway, Como Zoo recently had a new baby monkey born. I decided to have a naming contest of my own. Here is a picture of a monkey. What would you name it?