I, as many a man, did not watch the Oscars. I chose to avoid it as I have chosen to do, so many times in the past, because I find none of it interesting.

The Oscars lack a certain made-up quality that I desire in my award shows. Such as any awards show that MTV hosts, especially the MTV Music Awards (like MTV knows anything about music).

So to honor this night of prestigious awards I will go over each category and award My Bosco Award to whomever or whatever I deem appropriate.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

I saw Leonardo DiCaprio in a movie this year. It wasn’t blood diamond though. It was The Departed. Everyone claimed this movie was the best movie since whatever your favorite movie was. I was just left wondering if anyone is Boston could get through a whole sentence without swearing.

Will Smith’s movie The Pursuit of Happyness had one of the best recommendations for modern movies. My friend Jared like it a lot and viewed it multipul times in the theater.

Still, my Bosco award for Best Performance by and Actor goes to Leroy Dehnke for his role in the Rock TV that hasn’t been released yet. He is only in there for about a minute but it is one of the most memorable roles ever captured on film.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED

Again I have only seen 1 of these movies but I am just going to give it to Eddie Murphy for not playing an obese woman in a movie. I figure if I give him the Bosco it will encourage him to play roles that aren’t fat women.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Haven’t seen any of these. Penelope Cruz is the most attractive but she drove me nuts in Sahara. So I will award the Bosco to my mother, because she is so much cooler than these chicks. Way to go Mom!

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL

Yep, didn’t see any of these either. I will award the Bosco for best supporting role to Madeline Kahn for her role in Blazing Saddles.

Best animated feature film of the year
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

I only saw Cars so Cars wins. I wanted to see Monster House but didn’t have time.

Achievement in art direction
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
PAN'S LABYRINTH
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
THE PRESTIGE

The Prestige wins this Bosco. It’s the only one I wanted to see and didn’t. Pirates was good but they haven’t released the last one yet and it is beginning to piss me off.

Achievement in cinematography
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE

I have to give this Bosco to the Rock TV’s Revelation 9:11 for shooting the video like a documentary. They totally got more laughs than The Black Dahlia.


Achievement in costume design
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

I am actually going to give this Bosco to the Queen for wearing the period clothing. It was impressive that no one died!

Achievement in directing
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

United 93 made me so angry with people for hating. So the Bosco goes to World Trade Center. It was amazing that a movie could portray that day without inciting anger towards the attackers. It focused all of the viewers’ energy on the heroes of the day. Great movie.

Best documentary feature
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMP
MY COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

Who cares? Again I award this Bosco to Revelation 9:11 by Rock TV for making fun of the slanted documentaries we have thrown at us each year. 2 Boscos for Revelation 9:11!


Best documentary short subject
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

See above comment. 3 Boscos for Revelation 9:11!

Achievement in film editing
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

What? They have an award for this. Okay I will throw one to The Deveggie Code by Rock TV. Great work on that one too.

Best foreign language film of the year
AFTER THE WEDDING
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

Letters from Iwo Jima, here is a Bosco for you!

Achievement in makeup
APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

There is no Bosco Award for makeup. Let that be known throughout the world

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

You all get 1/5th a Bosco because I didn’t see any of your films. In 5 more years you may have enough to make a whole Bosco.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"I Need to Wake Up" - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
"Listen" - DREAMGIRLS
"Love You I Do" - DREAMGIRLS
"Our Town" - CARS
"Patience" - DREAMGIRLS

I saw Cars but decided to give the Bosco to An Inconvenient Truth for “ I Need to Wake Up” because I am tired today. I may regret this decision tomorrow but it is as it stands.

Best motion picture of the year
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN

Best picture of the year is still The Lord of the Rings. Sorry but if you want to push it off its top spot make a good movie. Although in all fairness I haven’t seen most of these movies. Yet still the Bosco goes to LOTR. Again, Pirates was close but they delayed the last installment long enough to make me mad.

Best animated short film
THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRO
NO TIME FOR NUTS

No Time For Nuts wins on its name alone. Here’s your Bosco.

Best live action short film
BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ÉRAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOUR
WEST BANK STORY

The Protector wins because of the rating: R for pervasive strong violence. Now that is Bosco worthy!

Achievement in sound editing
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Pirates wins the Bosco for this one because I remember thinking the sound was nice.

Achievement in sound mixing
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
DREAMGIRLS
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

How is this different from the last award? I am just going to bundle them in the Boscos.

Achievement in visual effects
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
POSEIDON
SUPERMAN RETURNS

Superman Returns wins the Bosco for the shot where the bullet bounces off of Super mans eye. That is Bosco cool!

Adapted screenplay
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Naaa. I am not awarding this one this year. If I remember I will give out two of them next year. How about a Robinson Cruiso Film?

Original screenplay
BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

I like the idea for Letters from Iwo Jima but Pirates of the Caribbean wins because it was more interesting. Yet another Bosco awarded to the Pirates.

I just wanted to thank David Caruso for stopping by and ridiculing all of us. Don’t forget that ridicule and low self esteem lead to inevitable greatness.

Why if nobody had made fun of Hitler’s crappy paintings, he would never have shifted into politics to overcompensate and where did that ridicule take him? Well, he was huge in Germany for a number of years.

Or what about our old friend Albert Einstein? If other children hadn’t taunted him with ridicules about his over intelligence? It is easy to assume he would have never created his theory of relativity. Instead he would have made baked potato related items and sold them in the town market.

Lets not forget about Simon Cowell, the unlovable host of American Idol. If his parents hadn’t told him that his mediocre talents at everything in life were not good enough, he would have become an average seamstress and never risen to become the overbearing hate-spewing glutton that we have all come to watch with an obsession.

Clearly it is easy to see that with out ridicule none of the people who changed the face of the earth would have been much without bad parents and mean friends. Thanks David Caruso. You are the coolest!

Hello fans of the “Ted Was Here” blog. My name is Horatio Caine. Actually I just play Horatio on the hit TV real life drama CSI: Miami. My real name is David Caruso. It’s okay, take a moment to Google pictures of me and bask in my glorious awesomeness.

On a side note, it’s a little known fact that CSI: Miami is the original and most highly acclaimed of all the CSI shows out there. We had to push back the first season due to legal reasons so they launched the Vegas spin off before we ever went on the air.

More to the point, last night Ted, the author of this blog and an acquaintance of mine, called me up on my blackberry and asked me how I maintained such a high level of awesomeness throughout my acting carrier. Naturally I offered to pen this blog in order to help people, such as Ted (whom I would call a friend if he were more cool), to achieve levels of coolness that are comparable to me on my worst days. It is important to note that I am by far more cool than you are even when I am sleeping.

Something simple you can do to look cool is lose weight. You are too fat to be cool and you need to drop the “extra baggage” you are carrying around. Have you ever seen an overweight person in Hollywood or Miami? No, that’s because these two iconic and cool towns do not let heavy trend killers, such as yourself, inside city limits.

Next it is important to never let anyone take a picture of video of you with your head at a ninety-degree angle to your shoulders. Cool people are always either boarded or extremely exhausted from their awesome lives and never hold their heads up that straight. This was one of the many mistakes that Tom Cruise fell into. It is important to have your tilted slightly forward and to the side. Note how this makes it easier to stare at people over your sunglasses.

Wear sunglasses, even at night.

Talk in a raspy voice. If you don’t have a raspy voice and you can’t fake it then you will need to take up smoking unfiltered cigarettes. This is one of the most important things you have to do to accomplish your transformation from you to awesome.

Remember, I am the coolest person ever and you should strive to be like me. I was glad to have taken the time out of my very awesome day to enlighten you overweight, erect, ocular uninhibited, well articulated and altogether boring individuals how to be nearly as cool as me when I am comatose. Also, CSI: Miami was the first and is the best of the CSI family.

The coolest man Ever,
David Caruso

I was going to write something trite again today. I was going to post some moderately humorous anecdote that you could read and enjoy.

Then I read Adam (Ochuck)'s blog. He has posted a in honor and memory of his Uncle. Read it. It is one of the single best blog postings that I have ever encountered. Once you have finished reading the post read the response his father posted.

No laughs today. Just pointing you in the right direction.

Well, first thing is first. There was very little participation on the Slogan Challenge. I am assuming that is because the logos were just to alienating for you to comment. So to the two brave souls who did, I will offer a dilly bar. Congrats to Leroy and Ryan for making the Dilly Bar hall of fame.

Now down to some real business. I am not a small man. Clearly, if you have ever seen me, I tend to make molehills out of mountains.

It’s just that I have really big shoulders and arms and my neck is huge and my legs are really wide. When I was a kid I decided that in order to impress women I would need to be a dominant force on a football field. I had no clue chicks like skater dudes. To aid my inevitable football dominance I needed to become incredibly strong. No one told me that such a decision would haunt me to this day.

I have to buy larger jean sizes and wear a belt because my legs don’t fit in jeans made for my waist size. Even the baggy jeans of larger sizes are still a bit tight. Also, shirts are impossible to by. If I get ones that don’t feel like they are choking me, it looks like I am wearing a tent with a spider man graphic on it.

Dress shirts are even worse. The company I work for was having an open house so I decide to get a couple of new dress shirts for the occasion. When I went to the store I, like any normal man, had no idea what size of shirt to by. There weren’t any Xs or Ls on any of them. So I had a short effeminate man measure my.

Before any measuring took place he guessed that I was going to be a 17 34/35 at least. Once he had the tape around my neck he exclaimed “Holy God!” I could only assume that he was impressed with his own guess. But alas my next is 18 ½ inches around. My sleeve length is a meager 36/37. He told me that I only a few companies made shirts in such a preposterous size. He looked around and found a small selection of shirts that either fit my arms or my neck, but none that fit both.

If I wanted a shirt that fit me I was going to have to go to a specialty store. I went to the Giants Warehouse and visited O&Gre’s Warehouse to find the shirts that would fit me. They only cost nearly double that of a regular humans shirt. Even more embarrassing was the fact that the person helping me at the “specialty store” was a very short slender lady who had no problem finding nice extremely tight clothing at her local marketplace.

I resigned myself to buying two shirts from the original store that fit my arms and not my neck. I never really liked ties anyway.

Here are the two worst logos possibly ever contrived in the corporate world.

For the purpose of today’s exercise we will refer to them as:



Image one is supposed to be an oriential building infront of a sun. Instead it looks more like a moon. Image two is, well, just inappropriate.

My Challenge for you today is to come up with slogans for these horrible logos.

The best slogan wins a Dilly Bar.

Everyone is blogging about Valentines day today and for the most part bloggers seem to be against this holiday. That leads me to believe that bloggers are generally lonely people who hate anything that incorporates and in any way glorifies human interaction.

In other words, bloggers hate society. Naturally I think this is a bit confusing considering someone has to be reading the blogs and commenting. Unless of course the bloggers hope onto their own blogs and comment using a fake name… wait a minute.

First of all, what’s not to love about Valentines Day? I receive multiple boxes of candy from women I have never met. I just return home from work and find hundreds of wrapped candies for me to binge on.

Secondly, there are no return expectations from these anonymous candy donors. They just send me candy each year and I have to do nothing but reap the benefits. What is wrong with that?

I laugh to myself imagining these bloggers writing, “return to sender” on the candy and shipping it back. How foolish is that. They are denying free candy based on principle alone.

What’s that Phillip? Phillip is a friend of mine… People don’t get candy like that? I don’t get candy like that? I buy it for myself?

Oh. I feel a bit sheepish. Nonetheless there is candy involved and I think that should count for something.

Will you be my Valentine? I have my eyes on your candy.

I want someone to give me a million dollars. Do it! Dooo it! Shower me with handfuls of small bills so I can role around in them and pretend that they are leaves.

Assail me with bricks of cash that fail to break my skin yet still cause severe internal hemorrhaging. Look into my eyes and spit on my face with a spewing of coins coated with your saliva so that I may feel the shame of wealth.

Make a sock of one-dollar bills then kick me in the face with it. That is the only way I will appreciate your generous gift. Make sure that none of my teeth are still connected to my gums by cramming my mouth with Susan B. Anothonys.

Reek havoc on my finger with a million tiny paper cuts from crisp new twenties and laugh as cascade of rolled coins plunges from the ceiling to my head and crushes me. Yet still give me a million dollars. Do it! DOOO IT NOW!!!

My student loan officer said I had to post this blog. Sorry. You got a 5 I can borrow for lunch?

A group of protestors gathered to state their objection to the FDA’s assertion that there is nothing wrong or unsafe with meat or milk from a cloned cow.

Now I am not yet sure if I am going to eat cloned meat or not. That decision will be made once it is decided if cloned meat will give me the amazing clone strength Hollywood has been telling me about for years.

That however is not the point of this post. The point is… when did preschoolers start protesting. I am not suggesting that these protestors are stupid. I am flat out saying it.

Got Milk guy must have forgotten that the FDA said the clones’ milk was no different than a non-cloned cows milk. So to answer his question: Yes, they have milk.

As for the other protestor, I have absolutely no clue as to what point you are attempting to make. Unless you are trying to market a new type of baloney made from clones. I image that your product will rival spam as a natural meat alternative. Well done on the product placement.

But seriously, why shouldn’t protestors have to make at least some sort of sense. Also, where can I get some of this Cloney Baloney at?

I wonder why the name Enoch has lost its popularity. It’s not like it’s any less cool or masculine. At least not like Terrance. (Sorry to all the Terrances out there but seriously even you got to admit that name has gone sour)

When was the last time you heard some yell “Hey Enoch, the phone is for you.” Or “Enoch, tell that story about the 1 legged dog your father served for dinner.” I would wager that it has been a while.

I mean nobody has ever named their pet Enoch. It is like a sacred name reserved only for humans and we aren’t even using it.

Instead you get a slue of Mikes and Phillips. So much so that you can even call your buddy by his name in public without half the people there thinking that you are talking to them.

Enoch would be the perfect solution. Perhaps you can start calling your pal Enoch instead of the boring Mike his parents levied on him when he was born. You could bring joy and a sense of individualism to his life that he thought otherwise to be impossible.

I mean if we don’t start using it people are going to start naming their cats and snakes Enoch and then where would we be. I am for naming dogs Enoch because dogs are cool, but not cats and snakes.

Honey, this thee I love
And thy sticky absolutism
They defiant sweetness with
A totalitarian approach to life

Either it is sweet or you will slim it
Either it is tasty or your will make it gooey
Nothing is safe from thy rapturous clasp
All fall before they trail of tacky prowess

Who shall stand before your
Enveloping tirade of crystallized goodness
What manner or being can resist
Your textured tantalization

You make tea taste the better
And you are good on toast as well
I keep a bottle of you on my desk
And 5 pounds of you in my fridge

100% Pure Honey
U.S. Grade A Fancy

I am glad you could all make it here. I have called you here for an intervention. I think we all saw this coming and… Oh, okay so he is here. Everyone take your places. This isn’t going to be easy.

Hello actor, comedian, singer/songwriter, director Eddie Murphy. I am glad you responded to my letter. We all, or at least I, contrived to bring you here to discuss something important with you.

You see we have all seen the preview for your new movie, Norbit. I think it is fair to say that you have become a bit obsessed with playing overweight African-American women and… No, hear me out now. You have developed an obsession and we want you to seek help for your problem.

I don’t know what has driven you to continually play overweight African-American women and spawn a whole sector of African-American males portraying overweight women. Clearly you have no control anymore and this has to stop. I can’t stand to see you playing these roles any longer.

I understand that you clearly enjoy doing this and that it is a way to make money and have your friends work with you but there has to be a better way to do this. I never want to have to see another preview for a movie with you dressed as a large woman in her underwear. Please!

I cannot stress enough that this is tarnishing your image. Soon when people hear the name Eddie Murphy they will think it refers to an overweight woman. Think of the many children who will think it is cool to be obese and stop working out. Think of the heart issues that this will call. Think of all of the TV dinners that have been left uneaten after people see the previews for you movies.

Please, we all beg you to stop doing this to yourself and all of America.

Boston, in an unprecedented move today, made all outdoor lighting illegal. The city stated that these steps were taken in order to protect the people of the city from various forms of LED terrorist attacks.

“LED’s can cause severe distractions during driving and can really make our police and security forces seem stupid.” One city official stated.

This all sparked by a series of lights and batteries attached to various structural surfaces through the city. Many people feared the worst and expected that poor animation was to blame.

“I couldn’t help thinking that my children were at risk,” Phillip Houstan of Boston quipped. “ I mean, what if my kids start to think that cheap animation and 2 dimensional characters are one of the many tools of terror. I couldn’t imagine what I would do then. I guess that I would have to monitor what they watch or something. I mean, that would be a drag and really cut into my “me time”. I suppose I could drop them off at Chucky Cheese or something for like an hour. That way I could hit a few places around town and pick them up on the way home.”

Mr. Houstan remained talking aloud for several hours and forgot about his children entirely that night.

Others thought that perhaps the LEDs were some kind of joke or marketing campaign put on by a creative ads group. Naturally the police dispelled this by showing the shoddily made LED displays and saying that putting up funny glowing images is a serious crime.

Boston is expected to go completely dark within the week.

So I was cleaning my room last night and found something mysterious under my bed. A small gnome village had sprung up. I was greeted as the loud annoying guy who slept on the top of the world.

Naturally I was somewhat surprised to find the gnomes under my bed. Gnomes are more commonly found living among the flora of a small flowering patch of land. All things considered though under my bed is in many ways a small flowering patch of carpet.

Now I should have grown savy to this a bit earlier on, what with the sounds of pick axes and what not, but I have been rather busy so I didn’t have time to investigate until last night. Turns out the gnomes live off of the morsels that fall to the ground during my mid-night snacking.


They harvest their liquid supply from the glass I keep by my bed at night incase I get thirsty and have planted a surprisingly high-yielding corn crop (I don’t know where they got the seeds).

The gnomes seem harmless enough and rather jolly as far as roommates go. That is until I asked what they were mining out of the floorboards. They got really upset and told me it was none of my business and I had better leave them alone if I know what is good for me.

Now I am a normally peaceable person, but when a 6-inch creature living under my bed and not helping with the rent gets all up in my grill, I tend to get a bit feisty myself. So I went to the garage and returned wielding the shop-vac.

I haven’t decided what to do with the gnomes yet but I am leaning towards taking them out into the country and releasing them.